Little white lights and little white pills,
Hoping they both do something for the memories sloshing around in my head,
**** them like bacteria?
Little bit of alcohol,
Shrivel them up with that bitter bitter,
***** ‘em out with my head under water,
Voice out far,
I’ll put on a show,
Strutting around on that hardwood floor,
Emerge stage right, through a prop door,
Blow a kiss to the crowd
At the end of the show,
If I pretend hard enough,
They’ll never know.
But won’t they,
If they find the empty, orange vials,
While I’m caking on stage makeup,
All the colors of denial,
And they know those aren’t tic tacs in my bathroom sink,
And it’s not apple juice
In my iced down drink,

But I can stand up, dress up, and play with the rest of them,
Run with the best of them,
Binding my panic in,
Tangled up in mic wires
And hair pins
As long as I medicate
Don’t communicate
And wrap it all up
Wind it all in
Nice and tight,
Not a hair out of place,
Big smile on my face,
That’s it,
Maybe that’ll do it,
Maybe I’ll get better this time.

focus—
artificial, just like the pill bottle.

the world condenses, collapses into a pin-point right in front of my eyes
and into my paper or computer screen

thoughts racing at light speed
my mind trying to digest its own thoughts--
confusion,
state of hyper-realism (Who am I again?)
an alternate dimension of higher thought
whirling,
running,
spinning,
racing,
crash into an hour (or two) from now
and fall down
hard, into the present.

Do you love me the way I am
Do you love me for me
Or do you only love me when I'm tamed
Like a beast in hibernation

Are we only ever going to live like this
The light in my eyes no longer shinning
Feelings becoming blunt
Diluted by all those medications

Do you not miss the times
When our love was a wildfire
We burned everything in our way
Our flames never faltered

Going to the beach unprepared
We still stripped off our clothes
Throwing ourselves out into the sea
Free as a eagle soaring through the skies

Holding hands and shivering
In wet clothes and soaking undergarments
We burnt stronger than the cold
As we board the train home together

That was the beauty in love
The true beauty of life
That pack of restraint
The freedom of insanity

I'm not trying to disappoint you
Just choosing to be freed
Like a bird can't fly with twigs in it's wings
I will burn as bright as yesterday

I got the phone call three years ago and i can still see my phone tremble
I remember walking to the bathroom thinking it was just to talk about a party or something simple
At work I tried to be quiet like "hey ill call ya back."
She replied... "Kevin killed himself" and the room faded to black.
Completely in denial I said this cant be true
Thinking that i had just talked to you
Losing a brother was never something I expected
And since that day my life has just been hectic
Just another crazy night that could of been stopped
All you had to do was listen to the cops
Man we could of pleaded insanity or anything
****** believable dude and youd still be next to me
Yeah it would of been a ****** road taken
But a great choice compared to the ones you had been making
People talk about being a zombie
But I never thought that it would ever be me
Celexa, Effexor, Klonopin,
Zoloft, Xanax and Welbutrin
Prescribed to all these I tried to live
Walking day to day with no effort to give
Just a ghost in a shell
Just going through life but i couldnt tell
I searched for anything that could make me numb
Taking too many pills, drinking, and driving.. I got so dumb
See the thing that may not be clear
Is that after you were gone i had to see her
She sat in the chair playing a brick game on her tablet
Not more then 10 feet from you in that casket
That ****** killed me son
Thinking i knew you before her life had begun
Shes getting so big man and her face is a blast from the past
She looks just like you man they grow up so fast
My little girl is doing the same
Would of been crazy to see them hangout and play games
I cant stop thinking about how their gonna keep getting bigger
How life would of been great if it wasnt for that trigger..

You never know
The deafening crush
Of silence until it's right in front of you
Unblinking and unmoving
Gathering your soul and
Scattering it like dust on the
Dirt covered ground
Laughing at your misery
Jeering with hollow lips
Pitted eyes seeming to
Peer into your deepest crevice
The silence is crushing
Eardrums are shattering
Erie chills creep up your
Spine at a deathly pace
The noxious air slipping
Into your lungs at
Suffocating speeds
Marching over your heart
Like soldiers in the regime
Until it becomes a part of you
Never being able to differentiate
Between what is you and
What is it
Corporeal and incorporeal
Bodies twine as one the two combine
In a sickly manner
The relationship that of parasitism
Taking years to remove the parasite called
Silence
Medication helping the bonds to break
Shatter and loosen
The death grip it can have
Don't underestimate the power and effect
Silence will have

"As the sun and moon
aligned in the sky,
they illuminated each other's shine.
And the closer to each other they moved,
the brighter they shined,
and the higher the fire
inside of us grew.

As we raced through the days
on that fling,
each footprint we laid
blazed away that piece
of the earth's entire lifetime of beauty
in the brief second it touched our feet,
leaving nothing but ashes beneath us.

Until we had no ground left to stand on
and nowhere left to flee.
And now that we've turned away
from our fire
to face the days that remained
unburned by the flames,
and learn to gaze at them
through sane eyes
one day at a time.

We can look back at our book
with clear sight
and give it the ending
that we never got the chance to write.
And while I know it's too late
to pick up the ripped-up pages,
I will admit,
I still think of our little prince.

And sometimes I go outside
and look up at the sky
and think about what planet
he might've gone back to after he died.
Then I imagine the three of us
living up there as a family
in another lifetime.

But for now, you have your own life,
and I have mine.

And we have to live them
the way we would have
if we could go back to the day
we conceived our child
and were able to see what
our manic eyes were blind to at the time.

When the sun and moon finally came
as close as they could be
and the fire inside us rose
to its highest peak,
it leaped past
the fading ashes of our flesh
to burn our love into eternity,
through our baby.

That eternal flame
that could blaze brighter
than our manic one ever could
on its brightest mania days,
but that would also sustain. "

The medication isn’t working.  I’ve tried to explain to the concerned faces, but the weight has worn me to silence.  I tried my best to give the Prozac a shot, but it was like tying a helium balloon to the top of a boulder; the effort makes for a pretty sentiment, but the burden remains unmoved.
The heaviness makes my brain move slowly, my smiles infrequent, turns my words into mumbles.  I try to think about when this all started, to reach through the fuzz of time past and memories lost.  The concerned faces encourage me to look back and find the ‘why’, to find the big bang of the world that I carry upon my shoulders.  
I remember flashes and feelings, times where things felt normal, where the apples were shiny and red, crunching between my teeth.  There was a time when I trusted the less-concerned-at-the-time faces to help me carry the weight, which used to be far less heavy, the balloon rather than the boulder.  However, no matter how hard I try, I cannot pinpoint the precise time when the heaviness became solely my own.
The medication isn’t working, but there is some part of me that keeps searching for that Heracles drug that’s going to build my pillars again, that’s finally going to help me stand up straight.  Maybe it’s hope, maybe it’s actually the Prozac, afterall - hell, maybe it’s just naivety - but I’m going to keep trying, and for now, that has to be enough.