Now I know **** well....

Did he pull the chicken out?

... ... ... I was finna say.

She wakes up with a start-
Tacit fear in her eyes.
Another nightmare-but I know
That a hug would suffice.

Holding her in my arms I think
Of the first time I’d held her.
Holding her in my arms I think
It might the last time- I shiver.

This makes her look up
To see if I were fine
And lift the weight of her hand-
Tangled in pipes and wires- and place it in mine.

I hold back the silent tear
And the muffled cry.
Helpless, my girl, how helpless!
I can’t save you whatever may I try.

The sanitised scent makes me
Furious at this unfair game.
This tender age-an unblossomed flower
Plucked by the disease with no name.

I know you feel what I do
Child, as you look through your hair’s net,
Because the last words you utter before sleeping-
**“Mama, I don’t wanna go yet.”

Mama,
All I ever wanted was your touch
Mama,
All I ever wanted was your support,
Mama I wanted you to be my pillar but here we are
And we're drowning in quicksand and you can't keep your own head above it all
Mama,
All I wanted was your love
Mama,
I just wanted to be better than a bottle
Mama,
You don't need it,
Mama i can see through it,
Mama,
You can't hide it, mama don't lie.
Mama I swear I'll run
I'll run far away
And I'll weep with the sky for my weakness.
Mama
You're beautiful
Mama you could be queen of this rock
Mama I love you deeper than I understand
Mama
Please mama play with me
Please mama stay with me
Please mama pray with me.
Mama I don't know if I could live without you.
I couldn't mama. I couldn't live without you.

Mama

Surrounded by water, I hold my breath.
Purposefully I sink to the bottom of this place.
My body is still, and my arms crossed like an X over my chest.

I open my eyes and see the blurry light hitting the surface.
Still, I hold my breath.
Every brush of water feels like ribbons against my skin.
But I need to come up.

I gasp for air as I breach the surface.
I walk out of the water as if I were alike royalty, coming up to my throne.
Every speck of air feels like a calming winter mist against my skin.
I stare ahead to the trees.

As I walk through the tall trees,
Barefoot to feel the earth in between my toes,
I feel a sense of welcome and acceptance.
Though they tower over me, you’ve taught them tolerance for my kind.

The dirt I walk upon embraces my feet’s rough exterior.
I stand tall and elongated, rooting myself into the forest ground.
I am rooted, and grow to love you.
Amongst your other children of beauty, you have received me.
And, I need you. Everyday.

Mama

My mother used to hate me. Shortly after she found out she was pregnant with me she started to hate me. She tried to get an abortion, but I wouldn't die. She tried to vacuum me out but I just wouldn't let go... She was late 5 days on her due day , 'cause i just wouldn't leave. She hated me all the way out of her ******, through the ****** and finally out. She hated breastfeeding me, she hated putting me to sleep and changing my diapers. She hated the day i said my first word, "mama", she cursed the day i started to walk. She hated going to my kindergarten recitals, she hated all the contests I won in grade school. As I finished the 8th grade, I left and I moved to a big city with my sister, for grater education and a better life. She didn't say a word before I left, nor the following weeks. Papa was crushed, she lived happily... Until one day, three months later. I was on my way to school, when, in front of the building I saw papa and her. She looked awful. As she saw me she started crying and ran to me. She hugged me and kissed me for minutes, as she kept saying "I love you so much...I'm so sorry...I missed you so much...". Papa said she didn't eat, she couldn't sleep for weeks and she was devastated. I went upstairs with them, I laid her on my bed and she fell asleep in my arms, shivering and whispering, with big tears running down her pale chin...She never woke up... I love you, mama...
                                                        ­                                             DCimpean
                                                        ­                                                       2014

She didn't see the life left to be had,
All she saw was Darling Dear dark and sad.
She held so tightly Darling Dear, four years old
Little did she know, Darling Dear had grown up dark and cold.
Mama didn't know the strength in Darling Dear,
Befriended by the shadows, she had no remaining fears.
She loved Mama and Mama loved her back,
But nothing was as beautiful as Darling Dear gone black.
--Emily Rutledge

Sojourn at the hinterlands of a fog casket
awoken to be suffocated
put to sleep        to dream
within a dream                         the nightmare of a mother's fear

depression is so easy to slink in
so wary of all those palpable sins
like being yourself -

awoken to be suffocated
put to sleep      to dream
with a dream                           the nightmare of a mother's fear
where pink haired ladies
talk about my dissonance

within a dream about the nightmare of my mothers
self punishment -

for birthing me
questioning                if it was the right decision

if I          was born to suffer
this fate

so i wake                  in the land of dead people
who's limbs fall apart
as they're names are called out by the concierge

to my voice as whisper
to my courage bubbling underneath
a mother fearful of coming close
forgiveness is a blessing
and the tears flow

                       out of the eyes of a child onto the cheeks of a woman
who's life was molested by other peoples sanctions
a woman who stood tall for the voice of others    children and elders
who encouraged chance meetings to be themselves via magazine clippings
and a mother afraid to come close
and a child still living the actions of a ghost                 looming at her with wide eyed slanders of " you ****** up , you *******
you **** up at everything"

it's difficult to look               it's like watching someone be strung up
naked
tied to posts
and the spaces between their fingers sliced
their yoni sliced
their ******* sliced
their heart beating wide eyed screaming
silenced.

My mother
who birthed me
whom i respect
for all of her showings
no matter how ****** up

strung up
and the vision is blinding.
and we're both crying
but i don't tell her
because it's lunch time
and she's ****** up again.

A walk back home,
Mother, older in number,
but perfection and love retained.
Father, his usual stringent posture
arched to form a hug.
Sister, her voice resounding happiness,
Translating into dancing, singing, yelling.
Me? Teary eyed. Tears of happiness.

A walk back alone,
Into my cerulean room,
The azure curtains still hang,
Wrinkled from THE night’s frustration.
On the cobalt coverlet still lay,
Tear stains which narrate me a forgotten story.
Hidden inside my teal cupboard,
I find lost love’s fake promises.
Me? Teary eyed. Tears of blues.

A walk in dreams,
At crossroads, I meet an angel.
He asks me to make a wish.
I ask for his heart, in exchange for mine,
He grants my wish with powers divine.
He falls, I catch but the world’s serpentine.
Yet he loves and like a star I shine,
Me? Teary eyed, Tears of rejoice.