For you I would take a bullet
Shot straight from the gun.
I would stand you aside
While I usher you to run.
I would slowly die
In a cloudy haze,
Knowing your the last thought
On my dying day.

For you I would bear your woes,
Until my mind goes astray.
Until my heart can't take it,
But for you I would stay.
I would take your hand
And place it in mine,
Hold my other to your skin
And stare in your eyes.

I would hold you gently,
Until you trust the touch you feel.
Put my hand on your face,
The other to your waist,
To show you this is real.

For I would do more than you imagine,
As these words speak no volume
To the passion
That I would give.
I would do more than words,
My sweet flower,
For no man like you seems to live.

But alas,
My lover,
You and I must wait.
As our lives
As we uncovered,
Are ten thousand miles away.

i remember
nights
staying up
late just
to hear your
voice on the
other end

it’s more than just a happy song

i don’t know how to write a poem when i’m happy
but if i did, it would be called "strawberry swing"
i’ve had this title in my head for two years now
because an unexplained feeling always engulfs me when i hear that song
probably because it reminds me of that day

we went to the lake
but funny enough
that’s what i remember the least
what do i remember?

well, first, i remember turning into the wrong parking lot
hoping we were lost
so we could stay there longer
hoping the forecast for rain would hit
so we could “sit in the car and wait for it to blow over”

i remember the curving country roads that you drove around
(probably a little too fast—but that’s okay, it added to the thrill, to the excitement in my heart)
that wound for miles with no end in sight
which i was perfectly fine with
as i sat in the passenger seat listening to you hum along to the playlist we made together

i remember it was late june, early summer
warm enough to have the windows down
warm enough to see the sun dance across the windshield before speckling our skin, our eyes with light
the same sun that i noticed, for the first time, called your freckles out of hiding
warm enough for the car to get just a little bit too hot once we returned
but i didn’t care as long as you were in it

i remember having a conversation and being surprised that you were looking at me while i spoke
nodding your head along
smiling
inquiring
interested in me
i remember thinking that was a new feeling

i remember the closer and closer we got to home
the more and more excuses i tried to come up with in my head to get you to stay
how many red lights could we hit?
do you need to fill up on gas?
will all the street parking outside my house be full?
(so we can circle the block
even 5 more seconds will suffice)

well, we sat there for a while
you wanted to stay longer
making small talk like we did for months
neither of us wanted to leave
what are you doing later?
have you heard this song?
are you free any other days this week?

but we didn’t want this week
we wanted today
right now
this moment

it’s such a perfect day

dear basil,

i know long distance is the bane of your existence
and you feel like the only person that understands you is
more than 1000 miles away
(maybe that's true)

i also know that you are cursing yourself at 3am
for wanting to be held
thinking that means you are toxic and codependent
but it's OKAY to want love
(i promise)

it's okay to cry yourself to sleep sometimes
because loving across distance is hard and painful
as long as you pick yourself back up in the morning
do your skincare routine, feel beautiful
sing to yourself, be whimsical
smile at strangers, wear your heart on your sleeve
(your heart is not broken, just tired)

but you can do it
live in text messages and phone calls
write letters, send care packages
until you can kiss his soft lips goodnight
every. single. night.
(it will be worth it)

(i promise),
basil

this is how it works
you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you try until you can't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath

now this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some
someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again

my stomach has become an hourglass
digesting the sandy grains of time we have before you leave me
i can count the days on my fingers now

but you still whisper sweet forevers in my ear
you still kiss me like we have all the moments in the world
you still hold me like you don't have to let go

and i have to remind myself
that i don't get to keep you in my pockets
that you signed a contract with your future
and my name isn't on it

i have to whisper the bitter "nows" when you're not around
and hold myself together when you let go

the first night you came over
after a few drinks of warm seltzer
i ran into the bathroom, gripped the sink, stared at myself in the mirror and said, “he is going to love me like i deserve”
i casually walked back to the living room, picked up my can, and drank the warm seltzer
the taste of the best summer of my life

now, as i sit here writing, it’s been over a year, and he does in fact love me like i deserve
yet i am here, running into my bathroom, gripping the sink, staring at myself in the mirror, and wishing that there was another body in the frame next to mine
i casually walk back to the living room, pick up my phone, and open the countdown app for the fifth time today to look at the number of days until i can see you again
16 days
that’s better than 31 like last time

if you ask me what the taste of the summer is for this summer
i’d tell you “longing”
but really, i’d be wishing it was warm seltzer
warm on your breath as you pulled me closer into you and whispered something in my ear