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Ostef Jan 29
I'm running but I know I can't run forever
the soles of my shoes are wearing thin, the heels of my feet are sore
and my knees are ready to buckle
but as long as the blood in my veins are still flowing
and my fears are still chasing me
I will keep running until the soles of shoes are gone, the heels of my feet are raw and my knees refuse to support the heavy heart its been transporting
then, I will surrender to the inevitable fate
of my love for you
01~28~2024
Ostef Jan 28
I wake up at morning light
with no more will left to fight
I look in the mirror at a face
I've never been able to embrace
I told my self yesterday, todays a new day
but always knew that was a cliche
I don't want pain, I want to be better
but night comes and then I surrender

a hit here and a hit there
a sip here and a sip there

maybe this hole is deeper than I remember

I love myself in a toxic way
but I still love myself
right?
I struggle with depression even though I've never been diagnosed but its never felt more real
Ostef Jan 28
I can feel you in ways I've never felt
my mind, heart, and soul feel you in ways they've never been touched
my body feels like the negative polarity and you're the positive that is always drawing me to you
I can't stop myself from wanting you

night or day, the bandaids I've used to keep you out are unsticking
thoughts of you come leaking into my mind
smoking, drinking are some of the habits and bandaids I've befriended
but even those betray me

so here I am writing to the abyss of the world
searching for a relief but
no matter what
I know this is a bandaid too
if only you knew
my only remedy is you
sometimes I miss this person so much when I know I shouldn't, and can't but I thinking about them and I know they think of me too but the timing is just not right.
I have known them for over 4 years and  we have always just nearly missed our timing. I guess **** happens for a reason Im just trying to figure that out
enjoy:')
Ostef Jan 28
love me
I promise you will live forever
I am an artist and you are my distant muse
my art is timeless because it's sprouted from our love
as long as someone keeps reading, we will be alive

I know you are my muse, and I have met you in every life time
but this life time is the closest we have ever been
yet we are still not close enough
but maybe
just maybe...
in the next one
at last we will be united
the circle will be complete
my heart will rest
but for now just continue loving me
and I will continue waiting
right person wrong time
Ostef Apr 2021
Words jammed in my head since the day you left
the only way to free them is with a bottle or hit
I'm tired of crying our story to others
I tell the universe every day to send me a new person
I tell them I am ready
I know I am not ready because if I was I would not be asking
I want to yell I want to cry
I want to laugh I want to smile
I want to release myself from you
I want to let the words rush onto this screen
I want to express my soul but i don't know how
I feel like I have this void within me that isn't a lack of self-love it just avoids what is waiting to be filled by another person. Just the company.
Ostef Apr 2021
No one knows the tears I cry at night
no one knows the pain I always fight
no one knows the love I suppress
No one knows the lies I try to dress
I want someone to see me and not my body
see my soul rather than my being
stop touching me and just feel my feelings
stop talking and please help me start healing
I promise we can bear the weight of the world if you knew me
where are you I miss you...
Ostef Mar 2021
I want someone to read my poems because these are my truly unspoken words
I want someone to understand every thought out analogy
know these are the words that never leave the sea of thoughts in my head
I want someone to fall in love with the words that I string together rather than the curves of my body
I want someone to fall in love with deep meaningful words i lock away for only those worthy of hearing them
I want someone to read my poems i write and stay for a little longer than just a while
just long enough to understand that i am capable of emitting a love so enriching that can only be felt from mothers nourishing love
I crave a love that craves me
I crave a person that will read my poems
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