I feel I need a green filter
to soften the glare,
to lessen the radiance
less I am consumed.

I find community,
shared story,
a chorus of poetry.

And the filtered sun warms
with a breeze.

i would die once more just to best you one more time/you've died a thousand times in my mind/one more time for me would leave me at peace/the tired mornings and painful nights of you and i would be no more/and i would be the victor/you could laugh and feel like you have won/but the joke will be on you/i am the winner now/i have died a thousand and one times and i am finally free

happiness
to me
was her laugh
spilling into my lap
like sunlight --
warm.
and mine,
before i i knew
i needed it,
needed her.

Old men sit
in plastic pink lawn chairs,
smoking cigarettes
halfway down our street.

Counting the cop cars that drive by,
One. Two. Three.

They laugh
with heads thrown back
and missing teeth

at little boys who
roll and play in shopping carts,
crashing-
One, Two, Three!

Little boys lay
in the space between
grey gravel road
and thirsty green grasses.

They laugh
with heads thrown back
and tiny white teeth.

i heard my mom laugh
and it sounded like a cry
a lonely, desperate, desolate cry
and maybe it is because it was.
because we all laugh so as not to cry.

i didn’t know it would change.
not like this.
not slowly.
not without a moment to hold onto.

you laughed.
it made me feel safe.
alive, even.
that kind of light doesn’t happen often.
and I chased it.
all I wanted to do was make you laugh.

now it’s quieter.
your name shows up less.
you don’t ask to see me.
you wait for me to reach out.
and even then, it’s different.
you say “maybe” to us hanging out.
like i’m the last person you want to be with.

i used to be in your bed.
i used to feel okay there.
like nothing could break me as long as you were near.

now i’m a little lost.
a little cold.
a little too aware of the space beside me.
between us.

maybe i used you.
not on purpose.
but to feel whole.
to feel wanted.
to feel like i could breathe.

that wasn’t fair to you.
i know that now.

but i still miss you.
i still check my phone.
still wonder what you’re doing.
still remember how your presence softened everything.

i’m adjusting.
some days are easier.
some days are still heavy.
but i’m learning to sit with it.

i want more.
not as much as you’d think.
just a little more.
even now.
even if i shouldn’t.
even if you don’t.

and maybe just missing you has to be enough.
I don’t see another way out.
you totally caught my attention.
and now, i fear how hard it will be to get it back.

Blow into my mind
I can taste
This wasted space

And so you go
And close the blinds
Push and sway
The sea in we

But it becomes
Shadowed over time
Clouded to whats right
Hindsight is telling me to fight
It also said
Not all you do is right

Dump it all on me
Can we relate
Does this take space

Inside my he/art
It turns to wine
But who knows
I do this
I do this all the time

But who knows
I do this all the time

In hell
I look into your eyes
Take a peek
When you speak

About the woes
The counter to your life
I need no strife
On the counter
Let me counter with a knife