Letting go of what you never had
Is the hardest task of all
I wore that today with my coke cola sweater....
And a coke bottle figure
I wore it like i had something to prove
Cuz losing you is the worst newz
I recieved this year
I used to stare from afar and dream
Now i just wonder why u ****** up things
Or why i even tried
Now i try to live a lie
And try not to stare and try not to hate
Try not to love
The very shape of your face
And your smile
And your hair
And im in air
Im afloat
And today i wore my coke cola sweater
And a coke bottle figure
With a little missing you
And it was the hardest thing to do
U used to be a daydream
Now youre just misery
And u try your best to inflict the most pain
Im just insane
Youre doing nothing
AND im not a thought on your mind
I never got an ounce of your time
When all you did was occupy mine
You were a movement
So i wore my heartbreak
And a coke cola sweater
With a coke bottle figure
And it was the hardest thing to feel nothing at all
For you.

sometimes i miss our friendship
and i miss the summers spent
playing volleyball in your backyard
with the boy from down the street
but then i stop and think
of how horrible you were to me
you weren't a real friend
you used me as a crutch during your suicidal days
yet i was alone and weeping over life
you hurt me emotionally
and to pretend like you cared
i'd receive gifts and plastic tears
with choreographed paragraphs filled with apologies
and i forgave you time and time again
it's days when i miss you, the happy you,
that i accept that the happy you isn't here anymore
and i stop missing you
because with you i forgot what friendship was
because without you i can sleep again
because with you i'm confined to only you
because without you i'm happy
and surrounded by people willing to teach me
what a real and healthy friendship is

Letting go is another thing in life that just doesn't sit well with me.

But I get it.

And so I must swallow whatever pride I have left.

Only because people have been sent after me.

I didn't ever think I'd see the day when my once close friends decided to bash my reputation. And to be completely fair, not everybody came after me.

But the ones who did, really wanted me to have it.

But despite what I've done. I can find some relief in knowing that some of those people still think I'm decent.

And thank God I haven't done anything to some people. I try to be kind, and that gets me a decent reputation. But only one mistake can drive it right back into the ground.

After all of this. I just want an iced capp to numb the pain and to keep me awake.

And sure, this isn't ideal.

At all.

But it's my life.

Or at least...

It is now.

After 2 weeks of being away from school, here I am again. And if I'm going to live through this week, I should tell you right away, it is going to be hell.

It's already eating at me and I am doing my best to pretend I'm okay. Because what's the use of feeling like nobody can fix me?

Because nobody can. I'm so broken that it's funny. Yeah, I can laugh about it. I already have. When I poured out my pain to my mom I was laughing and crying.

But it quickly turned from funny to just sad. For... a multitude of reasons. I think I'll keep the keys around my neck just to prove a point. That I can showcase my pain without anybody really caring. So... what now?

There is nothing I can do, the friendships aren't dependent on my actions. They never have been. I guess one thing worth mentioning is that I redo the sharpie on the key everyday. Just to keep it clear and legible.

And because forgetting this doesn't seem to be an option at this point. And my stubbornness in forgetting is... there. But that's always been a part of my life. So I distract myself with my work, however boring it may be.

And it's not all boring, but it is more than effective when it comes to my mental state. It's exhausting. But it works. And that is... enough?

Probably not. Ugh, nothing is making sense. I'm at a loss for once in my life. A loss of... well... what seems like everything. And for a teenager yeah, my situation does seem very "end of the world" like. But I try desperately not to overreact. But I do. And I will.

Rainclouds form,
in a grey skied mind,
pouring down,
is so unkind,
crystal ball tears,
& lightning fears,
emotionally you're mind reading,
indigo ink is quickly bleeding,
your touch you know I'm needing,

a premonition was imprinted,
on your darkened heart,
& doomed us right,
from the start,

I crash to the ground
in a deafening sound,
thunderstruck,
endings ****
& so does luck,

I'm ripped apart at the seams,
shattering my broken dreams,
of ever finding the way,
to your sea,
& ever hoping my heart,
will finally be free.

Cherie Nolan © 2016

The love stretched out to two.
The entangled strings between us.
I let go of one, not to long ago.
The other, My mind was set to follow.
I clung, I hurt.
The confusion built up of the simple,
"He said, she said"
The one of whom I let go,
gave me valid advice:
To let go of the other.
I refused,
I clung, I hurt.
Finally, the message came through.
Written in the stars was the message.
Rain poured down as I told,
"This is the end, forever shes gone"
But instead I received nothing but sunshine.
I clung? No, I let go.
Im free.
Im free.

September 14, 2016

I would want nothing more,

Than to hear you knocking at my door,

You want nothing to do with me I'm sure.




I cant get you out of my head,

I lie alone, awake in bed,

I can don't know what to do instead.




There is only one of you,

And one of me,

I thought we fit together perfectly.




My edges were too rough,

My heart was too tough,

My love wasn't enough.




I don't blame you for the pain,

I remember that day it rained,

When I scooted to my left and you to your right,

But now I cry at night.

Our love is dead

It is gone to the ages

I lie alone bed

Now my feelings are in cages


What we had is lost

It lies within the ground

Only I know the cost

But you I'm glad I found.