There are people
Who take the first step
Who move so easily
Creating their environment
Moving the world in a specific direction.

There are people
Who follow
Who live in the shadow of others' voices
Trying to be a part of something bigger
Than themselves.

There is me
Who doesn't fit
In both worlds
Neither I lead nor follow
I just look from the sideline
Trying to find my way.

I like to play diplomat; it's hard to say no
Never the one who decides where we go
Affixed in place by the roots in the past
I hide behind everyone and choose to be last
So I also play victim more than I care to admit
Enough is enough, I've decided, that's it
I've wasted too much time on worry and fear
I think it's time to show the world that I'm here

You ask what is wrong
and all the words flood my head.
Every supressed thought
that I hide to myself.

I ask you what but
I heard what you said.
I'm just trying to stall to
think of my response.

Tell her how you're riddled with uncertainty
How the thoughts never stop.
Every voice in your head tells you
how she's going to eventually leave....

They all eventually leave.
Bite your tongue because no one
likes insecurity.
Just shake your head, reassuringly.

Nah, everything's all good.

Today was the first time I came close
I almost ended it in a post
Left to right I feel the fright
My pain is aching
What comes next
Inch by inch I take the test
Reeling with guilt and sorrow
I hate myself
Why can’t I be someone else
My body is a Perfect example of what not to be
Limp here limp there
I am disgusting
I hate myself all the time
Not just today
I want to slice my eyes open
As they don’t even work right
I am a walking disaster with nothing going for myself
I am so over it all
I cannot have what I desire I cannot have what I want
Someone is constantly judging me
With the looks of judgement
I feel condemned
Where is the honor in that
No...not even loyalty wins here
Who the hell is loyal these days
I hate myself
Not just today
Always