“oh baby girl, as in the beginning, as everything has started. turn off your emotions, your feelings, everything. all over again. so you are not going to feel pain, love, sadness like a fool again. do it and we are going to be just the three of us together like the old times. do it and everything is going to be all right, again.”

K said to me.

If you put an open book on your face and breathe in the softness of the pages,
And your cheeks feel the heaviness of the words pressed against them:
You will absorb all the knowledge inside of the book
And the story will sink into your skin, like warmth after a long day in the sun.

If your pyjamas smell like the sun,
They have disappeared into the back of your wardrobe
And gone back home when you were asleep
Returning when the sun peeks in through the lines in your walls.

If it is late in the morning
Then the morning loves you and your sleepy face
and the quietness of your thoughts as you wake.

Stares from the albatross surround me,
like a helpless fish in a sea of what if's,
their soulless, solemn Should Eyes
glare into my dreaded abyss.

Curtains are drawn and doors are locked,
but Should Eyes creep through cracks
the way air and ants get in.

My spine sweats subtle weight
sending shivers down dampened vertebrae,
while anxiously awaiting another day.

WHAT IF I SHOULD?

if I could lose myself in your eyes,
       all that I am would be yours.

but the road map on your skin, crisscrossing the years of love and sorrow,
       guides me through the ups and downs of you,
everything leading me home.

if I could lose myself in your touch,
       I would gain more than I ever spent.

but the cold stares and the harsh whispers
       keep me from you,
everything locking me up and shutting me down.

if I could find myself in your love,
       that would be more than I ever deserved.

I should sleep.
Because daydreaming of what could’ve
Isn’t as fun
As dreaming of what could...

I wonder if you write poetry about me too
Since every poem I write seems to be about you

I wonder if my smile makes your day
If hearing my laugh makes you want to stay

I wonder if you light up when I walk in the room
If seeing my face makes your heart go boom

I wonder if your pulse speeds up when we hug
If you've fallen into this hole we've dug

I wonder if you want to take my hand
And forget everything else that you had planned

I wonder if you think about kissing me
If I'm who you want your first kiss to be

I wonder if you feel these same things I do
I wonder if you just might love me too

If I told you all the things I wish I could
Would you look at me differently
If I told you all the things I wish I could
Would you look at me the way I look at you