After all those thoughts
Just when I look at those floods
I feel as if I should drown in them
Hidden in the river like a gem

Maybe I should act on my thoughts
Maybe I should act on people's words
They know that we had no droughts lately
Yet they tell me “drown in a river"
They tell me “end it all"
“**** yourself"
“I hope you die"
"jump off a cliff/bridge”
Just maybe
I should do it

Obviously
People just don't want me in this world
People obviously think of me as a burden
As a useless kid
A naive child that they can just use
But if course
I'm just too sensitive
I'll never understand anything

If I don't do it
I may as well punish myself
Like I have been
But worse
Not eating for days
Restraining myself from usually behavior
Letting everyone get a taste of a bland personality
As if I were on my anti-depressants that I haven't taken for months
Let others choke me
Let others help me in my self-destruction
Abuse me
Assault me
Do whatever you want to me
I don't care

Just maybe
I'm just the true sigma male that has a delightful cliff waiting for him

My 400th poem
Sleep

At this point in life, I don't really care
whether I'm wrong or right.
I'll be whoever, whatever I have to be.
As long as I can fall asleep at night.

as long as i hold in the sting,
& my eyes don't betray my smile,
as long as i don't say the wrong thing,
this will make it all worthwhile.

i assure you, there is no depth,
nothing but a mannequin in disguise,
what you see, what you get,
only blankness behind the eyes.

painting these cell bars pink,
trading reality for daydreams,
stubbornly refusing to stop & think,
unless it's in extremes.

will this hollowness continue to grow?
can i escape the apathetic nightmare?
i don't ever really know,
& i don't seem to really care.

I don't know where you are
And frankly, I don't care
Because the air tastes so much sweeter
Without you here.

I’ve been blinded by the light
I’ve been taken from the cave
I can no longer fight
I can barely behave
I envy all, who still believe
In anything at all, I wish I wasn’t free
-
I’ve been sitting in the void, for far too long
And any time I try to be like you all
Before I can love the shadows on the wall
I’m dragged out kicking, swinging from the hole
-
I don’t know what to do anymore
I don’t want to change anything at all
There’s no cause I feel any way about
And even myself I could do without
-
I see you on your phone, so self involved
Chasing money, fame and love through a machine
But who am I to judge, those lovely screens
That help me for a bit, suspend my disbelief
-
No one likes their job, no one likes their lives
Everyone pretends everything’s alright
No wonder we are sick, we’ve been living a lie
But lying is easier than starting a fight

She’s poetically inclined,
E. E. ******* in her mouth,
I make sure her lips are lined,
With that feel good vibe,
That she gets with my ****,
She says she wants to ride,
But she’s feeling kinda sick,
And her *****’s like the tide,
Coming at me during night,
No receding shorelines,
She assures me that she’s fine,
But I can see it in her eyes,
The distaste,
Just the kind,
Of sickness,
That I’d rather not take,
But tonight,
I don’t mind.

He walked along my path.
He wasn't expected.
A variable I had never calculated.
His heavy, confident footsteps shifted the sands of my mind
And I find that not everything makes sense anymore.
I'm always covered in blood.
Sometimes it's mine. Sometimes it's not.
But he makes me feel alright about it.
All the time.

He stood in my way.
I had seen him around before.
I had never thought to speak to him, until then.
His precise, light footsteps left a mark in the mud of my mind
And I'm left surprised, shocked, uncomprehending.
He's always covered in blood.
He concerns me, scares me,
But he has a twinkle about him that leaves me wanting more.
And so I took it.