i look at you -
long and hard;
strike one off
the tally card -
of false promises,
and dubious words;
i peck your bud,
and fly like a bird.

i draw the line,
and watch it fade:
every second
you and i are away -
from each others grips,
coming down the trips -
i wonder if there was
another way.

smoke rings rising
up the clock -
show me the times
i forgot to lock:
my impulse for a high;
i’m not sure why -
i was expecting a key
at the bottom of the rock.

What should I do for the rest of the year:
mentioning your name to the fullest
then retreat
no letting bygones be bygones
for a while. fifteen days.
Living the memory
You.
I'm still honest thief
Time.
I adore YOU
(Untold)

The art of humility is to take the bad with the good
It is being able to see ourselves as only Jesus could
It is accepting us for who we are: darkness and light
It is through embracing both the day and the night
It may not always be what we want, but it's what we need
And in embracing the cross that we find ourselves freed
Our view of life is often narrow and clouded
We see things too close and things are shrouded
From our view. We must step back to see clearly
But finding the truth can cost us quite dearly
For when we see as God sees us
When we take in the bigger picture
We see with the eyes of Jesus
In the lens of the living scripture.
When we are honest about ourselves
And we know that he loves us and always will
We feel the depth of that Amazing Grace
And what we see changes everything
Amen

Where is the romance?
How to give myself a chance
To experience real love?
Is it really just about "feeling enough"?

Is it all about dopamine?
Adrenaline? Serotonin?
Aren't we overanalyzing
And with that - aren't we paralyzing
Ourselves?

I feel like love lost all sense of romance.
Like nobody ever is Mr. Right
Like I deliberately choose
If I might...

Win or lose -
Doesn't really matter,
I could change partners
According to weather.

Isn't it strange?
Or is it just me?
Wondering about
What love is meant to be?

I'm kind of sick,
Feeling aloof,
Confused, sad, alone,
As though I was sitting on some
Iron throne.

As though all those tales
Are simple creations,
All magic seems lost,
The special vibrations...

The butterflies?
Just cause I am empty inside,
Feeling as though,
I simply needed "a hormonal ride".

I hope there's more
Than addiction to it,
I hope all these things truly exist:
Romance and roses,
Love at first sight,
Being more than a casual delight,
A tender and beautiful touch of a hand
And a soft kiss as though we just met.

I want to believe in marriage even.
I want to be able to choose someone, too.
I long for such special and deep connection,
I want it to stay meaningful until the end.

So do people in marriages simply pretend?
Or are they just used to each other?
Or even a substitute for a father or mother?
It's sad!

My mind is racing
And I realize,
I need to let go
Of this need to know.

The desperate search
Won't take me much farther,
I realize it's a perfect distraction.

There are certain fields in my life
Which wait for my reaction.

But I am rather in my mind,
Wanting to hide
From
Those messages... ... ... ... ... ...
Those steps for my future profession...
And other big decisions,
Which need me to take action.

Meditation, meditation
Meant to be healthy vibration,
Diving deep into the now
Losing every form somehow.

Feeling guilty
I neglected
My long meditations.

Feeling overwhelmed
Many tasks
In my head.

I am now avoiding
My own self-
Confronting.

Wanting peace
Still.
To know how I feel.

I am myself but
Ugly.
And maybe that's
Why I feel sick.

Sick of playing some role
To everyone around me.

"You're so beautiful, nice."
"You're an angel", they say.

But they don't know that I
Struggle every day.

I should be so grateful
For my physical health.
So thanks.

But I am disappointed
By having panic attacks.

Breathing gets very shallow,
Sometimes I lose control,
In my mind many thoughts,
I feel lost and alone.

Hundreds pieces
Are called Me.
But who manages it all?

Sometimes I want to hide
In a warm dark safe place
Where nobody sees me
And I don't need to be
Anyone.

I don't need to play
Any role.

I can call this place
My home.

I can feel whole
On my own.

Where I hold myself
When I am worried.

And I tell myself
Different stories.

Where I truly believe
In love.

Where I feel
As though I was enough.

T-rust lost.
I-ronically hopeful.
R-espectfully alone.
E-ndlessly worried.
D-irty promises.