A sad story
Is drawn upon my wrist
Because
I don't want to exist

My thoughts are toxic
I've given up talking
Because no one listens
and no one is watching

as my mind destroys
what's in my heart
And all this poise
was a lie from the start

I want to die
And yet I'm stuck in my mind
Please let me resign
from this excuse for a life.

Who am I really
What am I doing
Where do I belong
When should I care
Why am I here...

I was travelling along a busy road-
Eyes opened and closed.
I had music in my ears so loud that
I could hear the sound of
Ringing with every note.
Way out of the window,
I raced the ****** train to Scotland
Up a dual carriageway and felt rapid
Time dispel all notions of
Going nowhere in life.

Without warning my world was jolted and
Came to a stand still.
We were in motion but
I was trapped and uncomfortable as
I remembered that yesterday,
In your thoughtful, rash way,
You texted me from a tent in Leeds
Telling me that
It was over.

Grass looked so much greener on the other side
Of the glass, yet I was
Unable to let go of the past.
I thought to myself  
'This is not how I planned my life would turn out'
At least, not today.
It hit me that I can
Never plan to be happy because
On the days I plan to be happy I will
Think of this moment and
Be sad.

Earth seems out of tune as
I lose the race through thoughts of you and
Begin to
Hate my favourite songs;
I love you.

I should have known better.
I can't decide whether to
Live my life and jump onto the train ahead or to
Jump in front of it.
I'm sorry I wasn't enough and
I could never be
No matter how hard
I tried.

I'm in a traffic jam now.
I watch the sun become eclipsed by the clouds and
I wish you were
Here.

Even I hear the sounds of silence in your bedroom.
I hear the ever noisy silence ringing outside the cracks of the window.
I am tearing up inside, losing control.
I clenched my fists and buried myself in my moutain of comfort on the fabrics of your bed.
I am trying to stay happy, to talk to you.
But I was afraid to shout, afraid to let the monster in the cage out.
Do you hear me?
As I stand in silence like the wind?
Do you hear me through the Spears and knives of your hurt words?
Do you....?

You don't even ask questions, you stuff answers into my mouth.
You don't give evidence and I believe in your lies.
You pull me down into a slur of words, drowning me into a conversation that never seem to end but starts worlds.
You Pierce me with a knife.
You cut me up into stitched pieces.
help me, and you say "no one cares."
You threw me out.
You kick me out of my own mind.
You close the door.
You keep me out.
You stone me with fire and ice.
You let me keep the burden all to my own.
i can't keep up.
i am broken apart.
just please, give me a moment, and then we talk?

"Stop!"
I screamed in the room of my mind.
My echoes, echoed in the emptiness of this room.
Shutting up the messy voices in my head.
Who is trying to get a place in my head.

"Who is who?"
I really don't know.
I fall for it's tricks sometimes.
It's cunning, slick, twisted hands grab on me.
And I fall into it.
Only to wake myself up.

"How can I live when I don't know who my voice is"
"How can I live when I don't know what is God's voice?"
How can I be such a failure....there you go again, falling into the traps of these lies.
And yet again......see....I just can't stop believing in those lies.
It tears me apart in the inside.
Careful to not break me on the outside.
So that people won't know the storm inside of me....
So that I would be alone.

"Stop being so stupid, foolish, distracted, and stop being such a failure....you are so stupid...you truly are..." I say as I speak to the mirror...

So...
A line there, and a thing there,
A circle there, and a staircase there.
A little light here, a little dust there,
A little confusion here and there.
How is this true?
This mystery.
They say it all the time, like ALL the time...I say it too.
But I don't get it...maybe they don't too.
How do I let go.
When I can't see the light.
I am really trying to get this right.
Just don't disturb me now,
as I sit and stare in this room,
trying to figure out what, how to take up room.
So that fear and excuses have no room...