i lay with my head in the sand and my legs in the water
and i put my hand at the base of my neck.
i could feel my heartbeat rising up and sinking down
between the curve of my collarbone and the softness of my skin
fingernails glazed with sand, i came to a full, startling realization that i was alive.
my heart beat.
my nails grew.
my eyelashes dropped like paper from a printer.
i could think. i could breathe, and i could think about breathing far too much and then forget how to do either for a moment.
i was alive- a dry ham sandwich of an existence.
nothing.
debilitating existential awareness.
nothing again when i was gone.
my heart beat.
and i realized with profound horror that it was entirely up to me what to do next.

As I lay there on you shoulder,
listening to your heart beating.
I here it, slow and steady.
Like the sound of a distant war drum.

With every beat, my eyes are drifting to the melody.
Until I find myself in a dark abyss, drifting to sleep.
I open my eyes one last time to reassure myself I am with you.
And I pass out, without any warning.

Without a sound, or scream.
I pass out, in a sleep coma.
In your arms, I feel as if this is how it's suppose to be.

I don't sleep much at all if you haven't noticed.
So when I do get tired
I will find myself longing for the melody
the melody that only plays for me.

But when it's not there,
I won't sleep.
My body won't let me,
my body and mind;
needs you to be there.

To comfort and protect me,
to hold me when nightmares awaken me at night.
To let me know you are there.
So I will search for the heart beat song.
Not just anyone's, only yours.

It was the arrangement of the stars
As i was brought in here
Sun in pisces
Oh, was it my fault 
I saw it end before it even began
i was saving two ends from tying knot
From damaged knits and sorrow
I felt it like you sense a coming
Tragedy or a storm
On a bright day in warm arms
I felt it in rushing heartbeats 
And in withdrawing tongues
That self-realization is on your front door
And later that night your
Atoms will soon be weary of mine
Must i be mad and blame 
That cosmic movement for
This piscean intuition
Must i be mad for i had not
Felt love as it was
For this heart was already in 
The crashing end, ready to free you
When you so willingly still 
wanted to be held
Had i not, Youd be the one 
to let loose while i was still in 
the comfort of your arms 
and id be the one to beg
Love me and my misery, again
But i dont intend to shame myself
On a bright day in warm arms
I saved two hearts from crashing

bp bp bp bp
footsteps nearing me
why do i get nervous
bp bp bp bp
wait
i’m alone
my heartbeat again
bp bp bp bp bp bp bp

i haven’t been sleeping
but i sleep good when i do
lots of dreams lately
but they’re all too realistic

i’ve been daydreaming about vietnam:
i’m following this lady
who sells bananas on a bike
she’s leading me through the bazaar
to find man who sells spice
spice man just cracked a watermelon
the juice running down his hands
the aroma strong, clean
i can’t speak vietnamese
but i wonder how much he’d haggle
on a wedge

this morning on my cold walk
air blew back my rusty hair
i was purposeful tardy
but i was happy
i saw the browned ginkgo biloba leaves
limp by my feet
-they’re lucky you know, the ginkgo leaves
and i wondered if banana woman had ever seen ginkgo

When I look into your eyes
my heart beats so fast
it makes me forget
that I don't love you

Unfinished business
  with the ones I couldn't save
Realizing my curse,
  that I've become enslaved

Seeing it now,
  I've opened my eyes
My heart beats softly,
  and my tears have dried

Don't push the pain
  to those who have come after
They don't deserve
  my bitter laughter