I saw the way you smiled at me
last Saturday.
At least, I think it was Saturday,
it may have been Friday
or Monday
or any day I saw you-
my thoughts are a bit jumbled.

Your mouth was full of words
that I have heard many a time,
but for some reason,
those words had a different meaning
than they had before.

I decided to stay quiet
about everything that bugs me
about you
and instead focus
on the bits
that make me smile,

because trust me

there are a lot of things
about you
that
I
love.

But that's not what I'm trying
to talk about here.
I want to talk about how
my words fit perfectly in my mouth
until I decide to say them,
at which point
they can never fit back.

I want to talk about how you
fit perfectly in my arms
until I let you go
and then you never seem to fit
the same way you did before
because something about you
is constantly changing.

It seems as though
everything about you
and everything about me
is jumbled.

It sort of reminds me of how
grains of sand on a beach
are all different shapes
and materials
but they form as one cohesive
"sand."

So how does that sound?
We're like grains of sand
on a beach,
or like a mismatched Rubik's cube,
all different bits and colors
and feelings
and memories,
but we're still
one being
each.

And maybe together,
we can be almost like one,
intertwining stories
and
growing into each other
instead of just growing
side-by-side.

And that
would give me yet another thing
to love about you.

I never thought I’d find myself running outside on the sidewalk
Bearing to go faster just to be home.
I never felt my heart beat so fast
And tears overpower my beautiful face
As I cried for everything to stop while
Sprinting in school clothes and a backpack.
I never shook so much.

I could not even breathe as I pushed through the isle and jumped off the steps.
I screamed “No!” at the top of my lungs
When all the kids demanded I obey them
Because I was
Different.
I ignored the boy who laughed and asked why I was getting off.
I ran, I panted, and I found my mother in the house
Where I arrived early.
My own stop was two after the one
I ran off the bus.

I told her they wouldn’t let me have the backseat.
They restrained me by holding my arms, pushing my hand off,
And lashing their voices to the point I was shattered.
She reported this to my father.
They said I did the right thing.
Impressed by how I removed but mostly how
I ran.

In my yard I would see birds fly in and out of the trees.
How I wanted to be a Blue Jay and fly to wherever I could go.
I may not be able to fly,
But I could run, and wear the color blue.
I can run away and grow stronger more than any
Micromanaged child who was taught nothing but
Self-absorption.
I could run whenever I was in trouble and
Nobody dared to catch me due to my fiery
Speed.

Today, I write this with an icepack under my left foot.
I’m injured, but will be back to my usual
Routine eventually.
The nasty kids are where it all started.
I told them not to cry to me when they received an
“F” in gym.
If they do, I’ll run away ;).

I don't know why I can't write,
maybe I just can't find the perfect words,
that fits on the broken heart inside.