Your first time doing something is the last time you do it for the first time....

You were the first boy to tell me you loved me, over a text. Less than two months later I broke up with you, over a text. But you were sweet, I promise. A week after you told me you loved me you finally kissed me, & it was almost on the top of the ferris wheel but saved by the bell, your phone rang (vibrated) & then you almost got away with just kissing me on the cheek that night. But then you ran after me when I was going to head home & kissed me for the first time in the woods & I'll never forget how weird it feels to have someone's lips pressed against yours for the very first time.

２. It was a month after you asked me to be your girlfriend that we met. & the day we finally did I kissed you & you almost fainted because it was your first. You didn't say much & you wouldn't take your eyes off me, it was nice to be admired like you admired me, but I had to leave, I hope you understood why & that you're happier with her now.

３. On Valentine's Day I gave you your first kiss & probably a heartattack along with it, the way you looked at me then I'll never forget, but it was like kissing my brother.

４. After school one day I couldn't take it anymore & I just kissed you. You jumped back & had yourself a heartattack, something I commonly gave I guess. It was after you that I learned to be more careful, because your words cut like a knife, even after we stayed good friends back then.

５. It was so obvious how you staged that night, with the oblivion & the sunset & the music, but I'll admit, it was a very sweet first kiss & it almost makes me completely forget how terrible it was. But we kissed for almost a year after that until you gave me the last one, & I count that night as the last, not that stupid summer after where you dropped my heart again & used me. I'll never forget how hard it hurt to hear you tell me you loved me for the last time after you told me that I was perfect & kissed me with a pair of lips that sliced mine deep. I spent forever after that picking at my lips trying to remove every painful papercut your last words sealed with a kiss gave me.

６. I remember how drunk I was in love with the idea of us over a year before I got to kiss your lips. But when we kissed I felt nothing but lust, & it felt good then. It was too soon after the pain for me to remember how to kiss again, & you had to teach me, & then you taught me something else.

７. I dreamt about kissing your lips for almost every night of high school. & it was four & a half years later that I got to taste them. We probably could've fallen in love, y'know, but I'm glad we didn't. It was what it was & I'll take the memory with me, but that's all that was meant to happen between us.

８. My favourite number, & by far my favourite kiss. It was a blur the day you kissed my lips, but it was perfect. I guess my eyes were wide open but I can't remember a thing but shaking so bad I almost forgot how to work my lips. You were a brand-brand-new taste & I can only just remember the roller-coaster of thought from that day, freaking out about where it was all going & how to kiss someone new, for real. But I've been kissing you for over a year now, & my God, baby, I can't help but admit I'd sure love to kiss those lips for the rest of my life

Those wise stars twinkled so luminously, I looked over into your eyes thinking all the answers could be found in their depths.
I wouldn't call it pathetic maybe just hopeful and naive with a tinge of foolishness. Intellectual depth was mistaken for insightfulness and the spark I thought I saw in your eyes was nothing but a dull, passionless blown out star.
The ocean breeze, salty air and Piña coladas tend to make you drastically romanticize everything (especially that hideous necklace that looked nothing like Something I would've worn).
That last night I had to beg you to stay up with me watching the Florida coast line come into view. The outline of the whole state was visible and that was when I realized I really ******* love my life. I looked over at you and you were half asleep.
Different priorities, different mind set, different ideals .You were a bland key-lime pie while I was a red velvet cake. I, Rich with prosperity and thoughts and you were content with the life I dreaded seeing myself stuck in.
Hey, if a a big house on a lake with a dog and a boat is your thing, go for it. I strive to not follow in my parents footsteps.
The day we ended I went down to Davis island where we always used to sit. The carnival cruise ship was leaving. I watched it sail all the way out into the horizon, the warm thought of you went with it.

remember, remember
the fifth of November?
because I do,
& I have all the words I wrote
from that night

i met a boy today,
he called it a date
*& I already must admit
that the way his dimples
are crooked, & his whole face
smiles, & the way
he loses his eyes
when he laughs
are my favourite
is it wrong to be in this limbo
with a boy
who is a mutual & very close friend
of your ex?
it doesn't feel wrong,
it feels like it could even be very right

we walked through the woods today
& it was lovely but
all too familiar
but I didn't even mind,
I just wonder
if this is the bridge I should take,
I took one today with you
& it was fantastic
I wish I hugged you tighter today,
I wonder what it will be like
when we fall for each other...

the chill of a metal bench soaks into my skin,
fibers of denim unconcealing
can you see my bones?
hoarse and quiet and barely there,
your voice is a ghost
the residue of something that once lived and is no longer
there.

high fives, fist bumps, live long and prosper:
thin hands that have seen it all
all except the warmth of yours
of a link that i never expected
to feel, or to feel so
empty

knees, rough and bruised from kneeling
from sitting in uncomfortable positions
from leaning over in the emptiness of a house haunted
by someone's ghost,
though if it's hers or yours or mine
no one can say.

the firsts are the only ones we count:
lips that linger,
brushing dust and stellar remains
on the lifeless collar of this lifeless boy.

The tattoos are hand prints that show how we loved
They see that he touched me here
Loved drawing me near
Breathed me awake each morning
Hummed me to sleep each night
They see that I was his favorite song
And he
My tender lullaby

The first time I touched your face
Sensations:
Chilling warmth,
Guarded openness,
Removed proximity,
Hardened softness

You suddenly
Seemed so, so lonely
So small,
Sad,
Lost,
Empty

And I wanted to wrap my arms
Around your shoulders,
To feel more than just a square inch
Of tender skin;
Of you

I wanted to hold you tight
So tight, you couldn't have slipped away
Even if you tried to
Pull you so close,
Not even the boundless scars
Of timeless secrets
Could come between us

But I didn't,
I couldn't,
I wouldn't
Some cowardly part of me feared
That you would disappear
Fade away
Cease to be there by my side

That I'd lose you forever,
If I pushed too hard.

When there's a big kiss at the end of the movie
I find myself trying to hide that really huge smile.
I can only imagine us on that very first day
When the guy and girl meet in some really set up, non reality, fairy tale kind of way.
Because lets face it.
Not many people get their happy ending
Or perfect beginning.
But most people experience the ****** up crap in between.

I can't listen to my radio anymore because every song they play
Reminds me of something about you.
Your eyes, lips, chest, pants, personality.
The way you lose track of how many glasses of wine you have when you play guitar.
And the way your eyes get lost deep inside of you when you tell a story.
Like you're re living everything about that moment.

And I guess I'm doing that now.
Losing myself in the flashbacks of you.
Losing myself in daydreams about you.

My first
Your first,
I used you.
But then I fell.
I fell for you
harder and faster than any other man.
You,
you meant the world to me.
Yes, I manipulated and lied just to get you in bed.
I wanted in your pants.
I don't remember where I was going with this....