A multitude of firsts.
Some he takes,
others I give freely.

How do you feel?
At first
It was as if I had no control
Completely vulnerable
But for some reason I had no worry about that thought

My voice going in and out
Laughs slipping on dry ice
Some obnoxious
Some lay there waiting for a pick me up

Unable to focus on one thought
They come in and out
As if my brain was central station

Forever moving
Five minutes feel as though it's been an hour

Numb is the only sense coming to mind
Forgetting how to swallow
A sense of panic rises
With a blink that thought is gone

The laughs intruding
Unable to contain the air protruding out
My whole body numb

The feeling of pins and needles under my eyes
Growing heavy

Attempting to think straight
Unable to stress over anything
Everything that comes up
Gone after a blink

Being numb to pain
Unable to stress about anything
Was a dream
I never thought I could self induce

Staring
Hands jittering
A real smile plastered on my face
The laughs never seem to fade

Imagine living like this everyday
Forgetting every thought
Stresses melt away
Pain can’t even break the numbness that arose

Everything seemed to trigger a laugh
Any type of touched causing a flinch

Feeling this vulnerable was a mess
Unable to control any nerve
Arms involuntarily moving

I never thought being numb would feel so nice
Everything melted
Just call me the wicked witch of the east
Throw water on me
And watch me melt away with a smile

Throwing the thoughts away
Until the numbness slips away

Yearning for more after it completed
Never wanting to feel again
Welcoming the numbness
I already miss it.

My first love was like my first whiff of a cigarette --
Strong. Overwhelming. Suffocating.
(It was a stick of Marlboro Red if anyone's asking)

Was it too much for someone
who's never smoked or loved in their entire life?
Perhaps. Yet, there I was -- willing to fall forward,
into the abyss of the novelty of it all.

And I did.
Fall -- with the click of the lighter.
Falling -- with each inhale.
Fallen -- with each exhale.

It's been days, weeks, months, years.
I've had lighter cigarettes, flavored love,
and I still get overwhelmed and choke
and tear up even at the first whiff.

But I guess, that's where the charm is.
Not with the ashes that fall to my feet,
but the delicate pressure of lips,
the heat it holds hands with.

The beauty lies in going through the motions.

living in the progress
that we have created
has been so beautiful
that i'd believe in more
chances of firsts
and of fluctuations
with no one else
but with you only

September 24, I sat in the passenger seat of your silver BMW as we talked about Oprah, and you pretended not to know the song “ Red Solo Cup.”
Two strangers conversed as if they were old friends catching up. You placed your hand on my knee, and without skipping a beat I rested mine on yours.
When we parked I kept talking hoping it would calm the butterflies in my stomach, but it was too late you lifted my chin with your curled index finger and placed your lips on mine.
The butterflies exploded sending an electrifying shock throughout my body. My  brain was on fire, as my lips melted into yours. You pulled away with a smile While I examined your eyes, to know if you had felt it too.

I do come back
in dreams, lies
and broken down deja vu,
only I can't
find my way back to you.

I can't sneak out the old window,
I can't wait for the bus.
I can't write you letters.
I can't keep thinking of us.

How are you doing today?
I miss hearing your stories.
I miss hearing your laugh.
I miss being Eleanor.

Sheltered by your warm embrace
I lie with you  like I’ve died
When in fact I’ve never felt more alive
I watched as the moonlight danced upon your skin
Glistening under the starlight
I held you close,
I couldn’t help but think
The smell of you is simply intoxicating