My hands shake.
My voice breaks.
Sweat beginning to run down my head.
Starting to wish i was dead.
Talking to you is the scariest yet best thing.
But it exposes my doubts.
What if I'm not good enough?
What if she hates me?
We are friends right?
She's just been different lately.
I'm sorry I get this way.
It happens almost every day.
It's mostly because of anxiety.

my heart.
feels weighed down.
it has been carved out
the moment I feel safe.

you leave me
with the key I presumed
you would handle with care
the locksmith closed down.

luckily, I had a couple of spares
but, they are hidden away,
I thought I hid them well,
I spared them for safety.

I knew that they could not be copied,
they couldn't be recklessly handed out,
I'd done that too much,
had so much stolen from me overnight.

I don't think my life would bear another break in
I have one left and I've hidden it so well,
I don't even know where it is anymore.
Which I think in the end might be a good thing.

The person who claims that key will naturally know how to obtain it, even if I don't.
Considering they are the only one with the last copy.

I want to believe
Im who I want to be
But what if who I want to be
Isn't who I'm meant to be
Im meant to be who I am
Im gonna be who Im meant to be

I've never been here before
Why is it so dark?
This place is unfamiliar,
So cold and unforgiving,
I can hear wide open spaces
And feel something close to me.

There's got to be a way out of here
But how much pain
How many deaths
Lay between here and where I want to be?

Scared stiff, don't move a muscle
Thank god I'm still alive,
Safest place to be
s'where I've been standing all along.

*******, just take my hand,
Lead me out of here.
I can see you when I close my eyes
Your halo burning bright,
I catch your ghost just for a moment
When I open them again.
Where'd you go, please take me there,
It's where I want to be.

Out of here
Away from here
It's where I want to be.

What's that sound? Something's moving,
Something dark and huge and heavy.
What's that light? Something's shining,
It must have been in hiding
Behind what's hunting me.

It's moving further, getting dimmer,
Fading faster back to black.
Can't see my feet but hear them running,
Cool air rushing by me.
Can't see my breath but feel my chest,
And the nest of coals inside it.

What's going on
I was safer where I stood,
Why am I chasing in the dark
After your fading golden halo?

Running blind- I shouldn't say that,
I chase the only thing I've ever seen.
Gaining slowly it comes closer,
I see now a little truer
A horizon burning brighter,
(I've) not laid these eyes on it before.

How did I go so gently into this cold starless night?
How do I not remember what the day had brought ashore?

Jumping hurdles I can't see
Landing gracefully on
Roots and rocks and rolling ankles,
Feeling so less safe than I am sorry.
Limping, bleeding, scarlet drops in darkness,
A trailing crimson tail behind me shows I must be getting closer.
Pits and claws and stakes and jaws
Crawling now and gaining still.

Lighter, brighter, shining down,
Your halo there above me.
I've made it, I have won,
Your honey bathes me well again.

But I am tired and I must sleep,
Here on the ground close at your feet.
Let me close my eyes and pray that if they open
This was more than just a dream.

I don’t know why you left me, and I guess I never will, but all of these feelings are dawning on my mind.
These feelings of “I’m not good enough” and that “I’ll never be good enough” because you left.
You left me at one of the most fragile points in my life an I had never felt so alone.
You swore to me that you would always be thre no matter what, but instead of upholding that promise, you ended our friendship with a text message.
Not only did you leave me with these feelings, you also left me with trust issues.
I never thought I’d be able to trust anyone the same way I trusted you again. I went into college skeptical of everyone, trying to trust people, but I just couldn’t trust anyone the same way I trusted you.
You made a part of my life ******* **** because you had to be selfish and claim that you didn’t have time for friends, but oh how Facebook shows your lies.
And a few times I’ve caved. I messaged you.
But now you’re really out of my life, but you’ll never be out of my mind because you’re in my memories.
Saying you were never there would be a lie because you did indeed help me through my toughest times.
But of all this bad, you showed me something good. You showed me that in order to be able to trust I had to find myself and when I finally found myself, I found someone better than you.
Someone I know won’t leave me, someone who literally has no time for anything, but still makes time for me.
And I found this because I found myself.
All those countless hours crying, hoping you’d come back into my life or that you’d give me closure, those hours led me to some amazing people in my life.
So thank you for breaking my heart, thank you for pulling me in and leaving me hung out to dry. Thank you for teaching me that the people in my life that truly care are the ones that will never leave.
*Most importantly, *thank you for letting go.