I feel so foolish. I feel so pathetic. I said I didn't care if you broke my heart. It was more of a joke than anything at the time. I didn't think I'd ever care so much about you. The funny thing is, you never actually broke my heart. I did it to myself. I did this all to myself. The fact that for a few moments I thought you'd feel the same way, is ridiculous now. That our meeting was some type of destiny. All that time we spent alone together would finally mean something. How could I be so naive? How could I have been so blind? But was I really blind? Because I thought I had great intuition. Was there anything between us at all? Could I have been so wrong? I hate this jealousy inside me. Believe me, I'm trying to move on. I want, so desperately, to move on. I hate that I care so much about you, when you clearly care but not all in the same way. Are you honestly trying to fix yourself? Or was it just an excuse to "spare" my feels? If so, it made everything worse. You gave me hope. Hope that I might still have a chance. That maybe you really do care for me after all. And the realization that you're seeing other people hurts to witness. It hurts to see her look at you, the way that I do. The way she swoons all over you. The playfulness in her eyes. You parade her around like some type of trophy. The way I always imagined us to be. But I'll only ever be that really good friend. That best friend, that everyone else feels pity for because they know. They all know, except you. I know I'm not perfect. I know I'm not blond. I know I'm not your type of girl that you fantasize about in your writings and songs. Have you written a song about me? About my undying confession to you? Have I only become some precious lyric for your melodies I still love to hear you play? Because I have written many songs and poems about you. So much, in fact, that I filled an entire notebook. That's how much you've impacted me. I want to tell you everything. I left out so much in my confession. I want to bring this all up again in person but I wouldn't even know where to begin. Or will you simply bring it up when your alcoholic state finally musters up the courage to ask? I know the only way for me to move on is to cut you out of my life but I could never do that. Unless that's what you want. I care too much about you. But that's the problem, I care too much. You're a friend that I never want to lose. You put value into my life and not many can do that. You managed to somehow leave a mark on my soul. And again, I want to remind you that none of this hurt is your fault. Not really. All you've done was treated me with kindness, laughs, honesty, and heart to heart moments. None of it was in anyway meant to hurt me. You were (are) a great friend to me. One of the best, in fact. That's why I have all these feelings and complicated thoughts racing in my mind.
I wrote this quite a bit ago. It's just my thoughts. It started from an Instagram post.