I hated how right you were, because you weren't always right about everything. But something this time around allowed you to be right about me. How I was scared to open up, to feel, how I always translate it back to anger. I didn't mean to do this. After all, you told me that being emotional wasn't what you wanted around yourself. You were always trying to be so ******* happy. So I took that to heart and started burying my feelings.
2. Even after burying them, they still came through; a small light shining through a darkened room. I still wanted to lay my head on your chest, interlock legs with yours after you ****** me. I still wanted you to hold my hand. It had nothing to do about the ***. I guess what I loved so much about it was that it felt like you were touching me, who I really was, and I thought that I had meant something. You gave meaning to my body every time you touched it.
3. We both found each other when trying to find ourselves. I don't know what to make of that universal message, but it haunts me. Because I thought that when you prayed and screamed out and tried your all, the universe rewarded you with what you really needed, what you were really looking for. So I guess part of me thought I needed you. You had so much to offer but cut our moment quickly and now I'm terrified that you will never have the chance. I'm scared I have missed those gifts.
4. Looking into your eyes for the last time hurt more than any other person I had to let go of. I liked them so much, and they were always so hard to look into. Avoided at all costs. Before, it was because I was so nervous around you, I was always blushing. Now, I avoid them because I don't want to accept that i'll be looking into them for the first time and not seeing anything. I feel like I low my heart to remember how they look one last time. That if I could just look into your eyes and see some sort of feeling of you wanting me to stay that I would have. I feel like I owed myself that last moment to say goodbye. I would have ******* fought for my position. But you didn't seem worth it.
5. There re moments where I want to think you thought about me like I thought about you. I want to believe that you thought highly of me, that I was beautiful and fun to be around, but it gets harder and harder to see you really thinking those things. What I really wanted to tell you was how much I wanted you to myself, how much I really did look up to you. I wanted even more for you to smile at those words, that loyalty and devotion and care, and take me into a hug. But you didn't. You blamed me. And although I do need to change, you took no responsibility for your anger, your hurtful words, your hard times, negativity, and *******. Which is why this thinking, this dreaming, ends on five.
-now i'm angry
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