moving that morning felt easy
my lifeline was long and thick
my head was normal size and not any thicker than normal
the cats were in good spirits the art on the wall was patient but not expecting anything
I'm not expecting anything
I woke up and I was not expecting anything

There are two kinds of people in this world, the kind that get everything they’ve ever wanted and the kind that work hard and live in the dark
I’m feeling loneliest at most
Yep this definitely is depressing, watching cars go by and by
And yet there you are stuck in the same situation as always
Eves dropping, joining into conversations you’re not welcome to
Sipping on a martini, oh no you shouldn’t though, you gotta drive
Home
To where you feel the most emptiest inside

Here we are again
Doing the same **** that we used to
My heart has been broken, my love has been stolen, really all the **** that I’m used to
Trying to fix what’s been long broken
You want me to believe that things on’t be how they used to
But I don’t feel how I used to
I don’t love you like I used to
I don’t believe in you like I used to
I don’t crave you like I used to
I don’t look forward to us like I used to
Cause I know after while it’ll just be what I’m used to
I don’t know how to get you to understand
That this isn’t the me you are used to
I have standards, more emotions and boundaries, more value than you are used to
I don’t want to get comfortable to what I’m used to
Being used to has gotten me no where
But dealing with **** that I’m used to.

I feel jailed in my own body
socially forced to conceive
emotionally sick
hurt within

Scared to transmit pain
in this age of depression
reminding my ancestors' culpability;
will I also hurt my descendant?

Struggling to finish a phd
in this age of precarity
thinking it might push me;
Or, will I fail it all?

I didnt expect the ache
the consistent, deep emptiness
right in the center of my chest
like a knot ******* and throbbing
into my soul
I didn't expect the real anger and the pain that comes with a broken heart
in trying to get over someone you once thought you'd never have to
I didn't expect three months later to face having to see you with another girl
And I didn't expect that you would love her three weeks later either

Define the emotion OK interprets.
And when exactly people understood the comings and goings of feelings in general.
How can one understand others.
When an emotional war is being fought on two fronts.
Each bleeding ammo and supplies.
Wasting away.
Just slow enough to have the coroner turn it away.
Nearly dead isn't applicable.
And somehow managed to feel guilty for wasting your death warrant signatures time.
As if the words would change the angle on how others viewed your life.
Only pretending others care enough to pay any mind.
Stiffles the rest of any opposition.
To make sure the dark flames imbued regret correctly..
A magician of sorts.
Only falling on swords for too long leaves little room eventually.
A reverse porcupine that crys blood when forced into moving.
But makes not a sound.
Even this can feel like nothing.
It only takes a little imagination and a dash of humanity.
And when playing god loses its hype.
Will the mob desperse.
Retreat into that in which the torches were burning just moments ago.
Only they don't extinguish.
Just remain awhile for the next hand to lift the taunting relic.
So that repetition can further solidify the obvious.
Shoudnt be long now.
As the oddly familar jester sits to watch.
Death is always a spectacle.
Whispered so softly it was hard to decide if it happened at all.
But it matters little.
For silence is all that follows.
Indifference is a disease.
Stricken with such paralyzing apathy.
That A.D.D. becomes a standard.
Take two before human interaction.
Call in the morning if the guilt remains.
Only remembering to forget can get so.... Confusing.