He had told me that my body was beautiful...
He said that his favorite part about me was my stomach...
As I sat before him, bare skin, one hand covering my midsection.
He then proceeded to joke about the way my lower stomach 'jiggles'...
As if I wasn't already aware.

And I know he was just trying to encourage "body confidence".
But in my mind I heard the words of ex-boyfriends
And concerned family members echoing his comments.
So, even though he never said it, or even came close...
All I heard was the same thing that had been drilled into my esteem for 19 years;
"Well, maybe if she'd lose a little weight..."

At 13, My grandmother smacked my stomach.
While laughing, she said to me,
"You're getting fat."

As a freshman, my grandfather placed a hand on my shoulder,
Looked at my stomach in disapproval, and said,
"Ky, you know, you're getting pretty big."

I could wear my dad's pants by age 12,
And then grew into my mom's by the time I turned 14.

Somewhere around the time I was 15,
My depression swallowed me, and my waistline grew.
I weighed 185lbs by my 17th birthday.

That was the first time a guy I was talking to,
Pulled up to my house, took one look at me,
Called me a "Pig", and left my sight.

Online, A guy commented on my picture,
"Who let the dogs out?"

I gradually sunk even deeper into depression...
In turn - I had slowly gained more weight...
And took fewer body pictures.

Freshly 18, and I thought I had found love.
I thought the size of my waist was finally overlooked...

But then the man I had almost gave my name for,
Began to tell me to put my clothes on after I showered...
Or after we had ***.
I was 5'9", 215lbs, and had just turned 19 years old.
And when that same man broke my heart...
I was devastated, destroyed,
And had been left feeling unattractive.

I went on a search to be wanted...
But it wasn't until I was finally wanted,
that I realized I didn't want it...
I wanted to be hurt.
I wanted someone I wanted to destroy me.
I needed to feel some sort of pain.
It was all I knew.

So I chased after men that i knew would hurt me,
But I always ran away if it didn't hurt just right,
And then blamed them when I ran, for hurting me.

That was when I smoked crystals...
They made me numb to my emotions,
And in turn, made me lax on my ideals.
Still... Those crystals quickly tore away my weight...
I fell from 215lbs to 150lbs in as few as 5 months;
And convinced myself that my thinner waistline
Is ultimately what had defined my happiness.

I told myself, 'I am finally pretty',
And began to take pictures of my body.
I fed off the flattery on social sites to build my ego.
I had expected to finally stay happy...
I was no longer 'fat' and I had thought,
"I'm finally pretty enough to be loved."

All growing up...
Visiting my grandparents had meant:
Being ashamed of the numbers on the scale.
I'd be reminded of my growing waistline...
Or how pretty I would be if it shrunk.

I just wanted them to say I was pretty enough.
I needed them to, so I could justify my new diet...

While blowing smoke and inhaling diamonds;
It was like I had been breathing out the pounds and ounces in each cloud of smoke -
Or putting sharpened rocks into my nostrils...
Until they fell to my waist and shredded away every inch.

When my grandfather lost his memories,
I made the 3 hours drive to care for my grandparents...
I was feeding my Grandfather,
And I was called on by his wife.

You can imagine my surprise,
When my grandmother snapped my attention from her husband -
Despite Alzheimer's always causing her to forget my name -
She looked into my eyes and said to me:

"Kyla, You need to gain some more weight."

You know...
Now I think I understand
What Melanie Martinez meant,
When she asked the question,

"Is it true that pain is beauty?"

you don't need therapy
or drugs
what you are in dire need of
is unconditional self love

I'm gonna make you feel so small,
On your broken knees you'll crawl

I am your only friend
And I'll be the one to destroy you in the end

Make you feel worthless, uncertain and purposeless
And I'm so **** remorseless

Spend your days hiding in the dark,
The fears and guilt I feed you will hit their mark
Just one look in the mirror
And on a downward spiral you'll embark

Wallowing in self hatred and pity
This emotional ride I got you on is gonna make you dizzy

When you're up I'll drag you down,
You'll feel empty and in sadness drown

When you're down on your feet you'll be raised
Just so I can show you it's I who holds the reigns

Nobody likes you...
You're always forgotten
Nobody wants you...
And the scars inside
Nobody cares...

I am the only one that will always be there...
but I only offer you...
Pain...Sadness...Weakness and Fear...
Am I making myself clear?

She was a dreamer
with beautiful dreams
an ordinary person
with high esteem goals
she was lost....
and had no option but to
live life that way......

How I
See myself,

Is not how
You
See me.

Thankfully.

you are paper,
let yourself be crumpled,
and then tell me stories
about your creases, your scars;
memories living in jars

tell me how it hurt
to be molded impetuously
because you still feel pain
when your wrinkles look like veins,
fragile streaks of vulnerability
flowing within you,
all over you,
and i will tell you
that i could not care less
if you are a mess of crooked roads;
if you are no longer like the others
devoid of folds
because these folds define you,
and the others do not crumple
in the same way as you do

you are paper,
skinned from nature
let yourself be written,
and then tell me stories
about yourself, your tales
without ever having to use a pen

My love,
if only we could write with two hands
And not get tired when night comes
If only the heat didn't hurt us so bad
And the bus rides didn't make us sick
My love,
the tension that you're
keeping in your wrist
you can let it go now
Look
If only you had always understood
Do not create demons
in a place where there are none
Feel your heart
You're safe here
Come, let's go
to a place where there are none
And your eyes grow heavy
when the steam glows

A tunic
Candles
Cooking
Fresh air coated with cloads
Movement
Deep breaths
Wrapped around your ankles
Secrets
Courage
Strategy
Whisper to me
No fear
Books and Mirrors
Sureness in your Eyes
Bathe
Water
Knowledge is Power
Write it
No one will get it
Power
Make no mistake
No self-doubt
Side effects
That vase, challice
A name like Gold
A name like yours
Hair growing
Longer
Time's pregnant
Banana bread
In a car
Love
Together we have power
Never give it up