I felt like I shot myself that night,
When I blamed life for all of my problems.
I felt like I hung myself with the tough rope that dawn,
When I blamed the other for making me feel such strong emotions.
I felt like I choked myself on water,
Filling my lungs with it that day
I stared at Death in the eyes and he could only muster a raw cackle.
I do this to myself.

she took

herself

away

too soon

at sixteen

could’ve given

a single try

to what she was

but it wasn’t her call

a tattoo of a finger

around her face

i must’ve looked for her

five times, maybe more

she said

she wanted everyone

to see

her *******

she didn’t care

she cared so little

that she didn’t care

to stay alive

ended always

with a trumpet

in the skies

the hats i wore

when i was sixteen

the backpacks

like rabbit ears

eating radibly

hating one another

if i had the chance

of something more

not what you all say

not a kiss

not a hug

but a slice

of pizza

on the curb

talking

staring at

the passing buses

entering

tunnels

of thoughts

and memories

running

for the color

we were missing

on those grey skies

and bumpy drives

oh

how you mocked them

all

because

just like me

they were all

better than you and I

because we’re

born poisoned

collect our feet

from step to step

you’ll find bruises

and no smiles

flashes, perhaps

flashes of withheld tears

i don’t care

we’re all azure

i still see

you running

through the puddles

avoiding

the missing step

you had another you

with you

someone to get you

more than i ever did

is it still

living

when the curbs

don’t see me

anymore?

how did you do it?

i’m scared

i’m a certifiable

coward

the desire

yes

i feel it

i’m kinda jealous

you found your way

you stopped believing

in your own skin

that we’re all ok

and that we’d all

be ok

i could’ve begged you

to stay

to hear my words

and find out

what’s missing

but i’m fooling myself

in beauty

did they

place it there

to entertain us

while we fall

and get shredded

and tossed

around?

we won’t be

no guns

all it takes

is a leap

were you even

thinking of me?

that this was gonna be

a message

from the other side

asking me to join

eyes closed

in the darkest sheds

of no suns

and moons

made of cotton ribbons

i see a dark

lonely door

awaiting for a hug

that’s you

right?

it has to be you

i thought

i had to figure out

the things

i wouldn’t be able

to do

without

you

and balance

my board

out

but i don’t

i just needed your push

because balance

hell

won’t find any

this world’s currency

is happiness

and each other

and i have too much

of none of the two

tend that hand

with you baggy

jeans jacket

i ponder

in miscommunication

**** us

and all of our feelings

we’ve failed ourselves

but we’ve failed

each other most than

anything

all the people

i’ve lost

were

mine to save

if we’ve built

these bridges

these crosses

these relationships

we must

love them

and survive

like poetry

left in the streets

in the arms of a singer

who’s listening to the world

but the world

isn’t listening to

help us, friends

i’m trying to move on

to forever

but this eternity

has failed

every single hit

missed all the punches

at this point

i’m lip syncing

to a song

that wasn’t written for me

awkward

brought on stage

with a band that doesn’t belong

they’re not playing my song

but it’s because

the world doesn’t want to

hear it

the world

will spin

and you’ll still

be gone

swing after swing

and while i believe

i’m truly here

it truly feels

like we’re not

nothing

what am i

that

just that

i feel it

real

deep

under the skin

above my scratched fingernails

that smell like your smell

your baggy clothes

oh

they hide you

and your shapes

like a secret

of a friend

stabbing a friend

in the back

you don’t wanna say it

you’d rather staple your tongue

right beneath

the bottom edge of your

speaking terms

listen

your knees

crack

again

like the bones

of the dead

like mine

maybe i am dead

i didn’t

ever

think that i

would make it

all the way here

why are you a secret?

you want me

to peel all those layers

off

like a smiling face

scattered teeth

breaking those corners

where saliva gets solid

and my dream fade

i lose focus

i gain focus

on that cage

those white chains

of fabric

that hold you and your skin

in place

but you slide on the floor

you jump

from one side to the other

for me

you break yourself apart

for me

but it’s too late

i’m broken

i broke myself for you

orange, yellow

too many days wasted

keep on sliding

next to me

let yourself dangle

above this concrete marble

we call ground

point a gun

at my face

with your hands

form that shape

the one that’s gonna **** me

just like when

you decide to agitate

your crown

your throne

your body

i stop seeing sides

it all gets modern

contemporary social

vertical

like I can only stare

at the broken drama

of your fading

skinny

ribcage

oh you do

you lift that shirt up

it’s lined up

like a zebra

i feel your skin getting dirtier

at every single step you take

around my wooden room

the lights flicker

it always has

but is feels like

it’s flickering

in a different movement

it gets blue

my hands go up

they slide

around your slippery legs

you keep on running away

you can’t move like you wish

but i promise

if you could

if only you could

see yourself

and how your hands attract energy

you would

most probably

fall in love

with yourself too

isn’t it cold

with that belly button

ripped apart?

ready

where do those shoulders go?

how does that hair move like that?

i’ve seen unimaginable things

in life

i’ve seen many

i can’t find a meaning

to who i am

and why

but you

the camera flashed

you scream

cute

it echoes

around the room

we pass out

on a couch

still humming some

the sun’s dropping

on wires

hanging

through shoes

theown away

i wanna write

all of your letters

around my eye

i glitter

with bubbles

with teeth

golden

of diamonds

like moon

jumping up and down

in a sad

abandoned park

of fear

and abandonment

i told you

who i was

before

i swung

my gun

around

my car

filled with greenery

it’s growing beneath

my pink hair

and your lush

collar

for me to entice

to anticipate

to think about

as i’m scattered around your living room

on the floor

torn to pieces

blown away

in spikes

to the wind

it’s like

all the times

we traveled

we felt through something

i stared

at your skin

in a towel

through a balcony

the eiffel tower in lingerie

a gust of the ocean

out

let’s go all out

baby

we can

fall

through all those doors

those gothic windows

those old phones

straighten ourselves

our eyebrows

military

eyeshadows

lighs

they chase us

but we’re falling in

barefoot on

thumbtacks

on fire

a carpet

made of glass

roses

it felt all real

you felt real

if it was a lie

lie to me again

i wanna be lied to

i’d go through

a cup of scolding tea

for your running

by the sea

to come close

for your lipstick

to bend around my clothes

for the smell of your tears

next of kin

your legs closing in

skin to skin

You forget.

You forget things
when you're truly sad.

Not the toaster on or the door unlocked,
Not the name of your ex,
Or the name of that guy you met last week.

Instead,
You forget deeply.

You forget how your dog looks at you,
And how much love he deserves.
How your mum's journey was harder than yours,
and how your brothers were too young
to be treated so old.  

You forget,
How your dad is aging 10 years
in the span of 1,
And how you've not been loving
who you need to.

You forget
almost everything,
because you're trying...
really trying,
just to stay alive.


And if you're (un?)lucky enough
to crawl away from the pits
of depression...

You suddenly remember.
It SLAPS you in the face
when you're left alone with your thoughts.

"How could I be so selfish?"

"How?"

"HOW?"

The guilt,
The guilt.
The guilt of forgetting how to care for others,
Of leaving so much destruction in your wake

Is
almost,
Just...
almost,

Enough to make you
Forget.

Oh here we go again, another scene another act,
I’ll fit in just fine but I know I don’t belong.
I’m grabbing my passions by the neck, beating them into who they need to be.

Everyone’s the same, we’re all actors in this play.
I never thought I could get away,
But I’m not trapped cause everyone’s the same.