My heart is dead
no, I don’t have one at all
every time I start to feel something
my mind constructs a new wall

No one can break through it
but so many have tried
and the closest voyager
may nearly have died

Poison soaks the bricks
like a rabid dog’s mouth
the uncontrollable leaking
kills many without a sound

If they passes the wall
and do not fall ill in return
the next obstacle will surely
end with them burned

A 10ft wall of flames
threatens those near with claws
reaching closer and closer
and scorching them raw

If those flames were extinguished
for a split second of distraction
they could trek one step closer
to the main attraction

After poison and flames
fail to protect my castle
the final test must work
to prevent total disaster

Cerulean seas splash against wood
and spans across the land like a highway
within the depths of the waters
lie the souls of the wounded that can’t fly away

Bones and shattered hearts
line the base of my security
with a step into the water
the next will be history

And yet only one has
made it to the center
Only one lover
could truly understand the endeavor

But, alas, as expected
she perished as well
A ***** trap triggered suddenly
launched her far out of my hell

So here I sit
Upon my throne
Safe from my feelings
But all alone

There is a face in my mirror
I do not recognize--
blurry and dark around
the edges.
Static black and white
forms a portrait
of vaguely familiar nature.
I study closely
as it distorts
in size and distance.

A hand reaches out
and
I wonder
who it belongs to.
Tracing my eyes along the foreign limb
I see a body
I somehow feel I should know.

I close my eyes
and

f
       a
          d
                   e
                              a
                                 w
                                      a
                                                y.

Dissociation:
noun
the disconnection or separation of something from something else or
the state of being disconnected.
CHEMISTRY
the splitting of a molecule into smaller molecules, atoms, or ions,
especially by a reversible process.
PSYCHIATRY
separation of normally related mental processes, resulting in one group functioning independently from the rest, leading in extreme cases to disorders such as multiple personality.

Dissociation is not trendy.
It’s not just depression or starring into space.
It’s so much more
It’s crawling away form reality and making
a home in your head.
Losing contact with your body.

Dissociation is not knowing who you are.
Dissociation is watching yourself in third person.
Dissociation is feeling so scared that you’d rather loose
yourself entirely then live in the present.

Dissociation is not always multiple personalities
but sometimes no personality.
It’s losing time.
It’s not recognizing those you love.

It’s having little to no memory of
anything that happened after the fifth grade.
its knowing faces but not exactly sure where
from.

It’s a defense mechanism.
It’s writing your name on the back of your hand to not
completely lose all of you.

It’s wearing a rubber band to snap yourself back
because you have taught yourself to know
when you are losing yourself

It’s getting help,
because you know in your very few
lucid moments that this is not normal.

a body
floating in space
a mirror
unknown, a face
a chest, that rises and falls
*******, unwanted, I stall
this label, this name, this "girl"
whom only on certain days, echoes my world
otherwise i'm known as the ghost
an inbetween, a maybe,
almost.

I'm not me.
I may be you.
Or her.
Or him.
Or them.
But I'm not me.
My chest aches with the feeling of wanting to be belonged.
My heart aches with the feeling of wanting to be loved the way that I love.
My head aches because I want to scream.
While my bones turn to jelly, and my thoughts turn to suicide.
Everynight is long.
Everyday is tiring.
I wish you'd understand that my brain aches for something I don't believe I have.
You may think, that I am insane. Or considering I'm technically you, I may think I am insane.
These personalities swarm me, and I've never known myself.
Someone may love your laugh because it's unique. The way your nose cringed because of a smell. The way your eyes sparkle when you see something exciting.
Those are traits that make you .. you.
I'm swarmed. You have something to call you're own.
I'm not me. You have something to grow off of.
I may be you. You have something that people will love.
Or her. You have something people will come back for.
Or him. You have something that won't run.
Or them. You have something that makes you unique.
But I'm not me. You have something that I want.

so come on, baby
the walls are thinner
than the skins that shelter us

and i've placed myself
in the bruise of a body
that has not felt like home in years

sleep flees the corners of my eyes,
my pulse curls around my shaking hands,
and the shelled echoes of my heart startle and stir

and quivering, shuddering
my body begs,
my body strains
to escape me

There you found her
A child asleep among the stars
No one can touch her
No one can hear her moving parts
Her beaten heart

Here you have her
She cracks open dreaming eyes
Stars fall around her
Her ears awake to distant cries
Her heart's demise

And there you'll leave her
A now sentient, helpless being
No one to feed her
No one to sing her into the deep
Go back to sleep

Go back to sleep.

i'm not really sure that i'm alive
i know that blood pumps through me
and that my heart pulses
but i'm only spectating
sometimes i can't even see
and it's blurry
sometimes i can't even feel
and i'm floating
sometimes i can't even think
and i'm foggy
so what am i?
a ghost of the child i was years ago?
the decomposing remains of my innocence?
a shell of what i should be?
the last piece of being that i am before i fully dissolve?
a detachment of my fragile body?