I never understood the idea of 'voices'
Until I heard it one night
Maybe the drugs had me hallucinating
Except I still hear them.

I used to believe
that all my thoughts belonged to me
that all my demons were a direct link to my being
But the words I hear now aren't my own.

The first instance felt like paranoia:
Thoughts racing through my mind
Unnecessarily dramatic with a shred of potential truth.
Except I can't make them stop.

It felt much more like
Someone throwing knives into the paper walls of my consciousness
Quick, unexpected, unsolicited
Each thought slid through so easily
The scraping noise of ripping paper echoed in my mind
His words dripping from the reverberating sound waves
The deafening sound blocking out all oppositional thoughts

I feel powerless.

Today they still speak
There's more than one now
The first questions my relationship
The newest judges all of my decisions
Together they taunt me with these
Intrusive and uncontrollable thoughts
That make me want to die so much more
If that's even possible.

"She's only using you, y'know"
No, she loves me
"Are you sure? Then why is she kissing differently?"
I don't know, but it's fine
"Ha, yeah ok, we'll see"
Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
"Bet you she's thinking of him now"
"Why do you even try?"
"You're going to die anyway"
"Why not tonight?"
"We'll make it quick, painless"
"I promise"

I feel my energy depleting
My hopes sinking further into the black hole in my mind
I'm grasping for something to hold onto
But all I feel is air between my fingers
I'm slipping further away from sanity
And I'm letting my body die slowly by not eating
I should just give in
Death is my destiny

*Just keep breathing

Crying for the first time in months is like running your hands in hot water, right after from being in the cold all day. It stings, pins and needles. Like how my own heartache isn't enough. While they sit there drunk with friends, and I'm here alone. A empty house full of ruins. And my lungs hurt from shouting louder than a hurricane.

They think I'm not eating
That must explain why
They keep trying to feed me.
I think they feel
My more pronounced hip bones
When leaning in to hug me.
Close up they may notice
How my clothes hang much looser now.
Do my arms look less filled in?
Have my cheeks began to cave?
Probably not.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
My stomach feels better now,
Although it's begun to burn more often,
But I don't care.
Because the closer I get to dying
The more I feel alive

I wish someone would’ve caught this when I was looking at suicidal poems online,

when i was sitting in my room so stuck in my mind I couldn’t move,

when i stopped eating,

when i started losing interest in my life.

I wish someone would’ve caught this a year and a half ago on the 14th of February

when i was in so much pain that digging a pen into my thigh was a relief

Instead I made friends who were in as much pain as i was

who understood my want to die

who didn’t tell me that i needed help

who didn’t talk me into a therapist.

By the time I asked for help by myself it was august a year and a half after my depression became noticeable

2 years after I stopped eating more than two things at lunch

6 months after i became suicidal

6 months after i spent a night in my room begging to die on my birthday listening to the same song over and over crying  because i didn’t want another year of life

i wanted to die

I wish someone would’ve caught it…

But I catch it now…

Or I try to, others help me catch it, others do whats best for me.

I didn’t get help till 6 months after i was suicidal

It makes sense that 3 months and one year later I’m still struggling

especially when i only decided to live for myself 44 days ago on may 9th

I imagine its always harder to undue something than it is to do  it.

So i imagine its gonna take longer than 6 months to overcome my suicidal thoughts.

especially if it took me a year and 2 months to decide to live after a year and two months of wanting to die

fight my darling and remember,

I love you

What is skinny?
Is it the rude word for slim?
Similar to fat vs curvy?
Or is it something else?

Maybe it' a feeling,
when you're below a certain BMI.
Or when you find that perfect swimsuit,
or your best angle.

What if it's a mindset,
defining who you are?
your perfect stereotype,
or something far worse...

A goal.
The thing you strive for everyday.
The only thing that matters.
A living breathing entity.
Your world.
Your friend.
Your enemy.
Your downfall!
You.

I want to **** myself
How do I tell my loved ones that I'm suicidal again
Nothin bads happened
I just feel hopeless again
They stay positive when I tell them there's no point to life
Which ****** me off
Cause I can't see it
This mythical rainbow that y'all speak about
Just ****** me off cause all I see is black and white
Life or death
Happiness or sadness
Hate or love
I hate you for being able to see the rainbow
Because I can't
All I see is black and white in a sea of red
Nothing seems to help and I don't know how to tell you that
Because every time I do you try to make me feel better
But that's not what I need
I need you to come join me in my depression hole for a while so I'm a little less alone
Don't point out the rainbow
Just comment on the black and white and don't comment on the fact that I live in a sea of red

I was hungry
But I don't want to eat
I want to starve

when you feel an episode coming, shut down. shut down from everyone. deactivate your facebook. don't talk to anyone for days. keep on staring at that wall like it will magically give you answers.shut down until you feel the void inside of you lessen its intensity. until you calm down.

2. drink until all you can feel is the food that's coming up your throat waiting to be vomited at any nearby gutter.

3. stay clean. and then relapse a couple of months later.

4. tell everyone who will listen about how you "feel" stuck but in reality you just can't do anything about your current situation, therefore making you stuck.

5. doubt everyone who even tries to show the tiniest hint of their ability to be able to love you.

6. drill into your head and accept that you are not easy to love. and that you can't demand for it.

7. if you really want to survive, ignore all of this. these are the things that we do when we feel alone. when we feel that no really can love us. but they do. and they can. and they're out there.