Every day is a performance, a never ending act
I always must perform or people will attack
I've become nothing more than a fake
I've no idea how much more I can take
They've forced me to hide who I love, who I am-deep down inside
When all I've ever wanted is to embrace myself with pride
They force me to wear a mask
Every day, a constant task

“Be yourself, be independent” they say
Yet when I do, they always turn away
It shouldn't be like this, it isn't ******* fair
But who am I kidding, they don't ever care
The only time they care is when there's another suicide on TV
I worry I'll share that fate, just another statistic to be
I don't know where to go or what to do
So I'm crying for help, a message to you

I don't want to live anymore,
It hurts so bad I can't take it anymore.
I fight to survive,
for a life I don't want.
And I whelve on memories,
that I never had.
Somewhere in some other timeline,
I can feel happy without snorting a line.

ocd is
the loop
you can’t break,
a thought that whispers
over and over—
check again,
just to be sure.

you do what it says,
but the relief is temporary,
like a mirage
disappearing
as soon as you reach it.

you try to fight,
but the chains are invisible,
and they drag you
in circles.

i am both the flame
and the fuel.

some days,
i watch myself burn—
wild and untamed,
destroying everything i swore
i would protect.

i feel the cracks forming
before they break,
hear the words
before they cut,
see the wreckage
before it falls.

i want to stop.
god,
i want to stop.

but it’s like trying
to hold back a storm
with trembling hands.
the chaos is mine,
but it owns me.

when the fire dies,
i am left with the ash—
and the aching hope
that somehow,
i can rebuild
before i burn again.

the hunger whispers
like an old friend.
you answer.

later,
kneeling,
throat raw,
you wonder—
is this all
i am?

relief
i don’t want to die,
i just want
the ache
to go away,
the heaviness
to lift,
the silence
to be kind.

i don’t want
to end it,
i just want
to feel
like i’m
breathing again.

i know this darkness.
it wraps around me
like an old sweater—
worn, frayed,
but familiar.

happiness knocks at my door
like a stranger with bright eyes,
offering sunlight,
offering warmth.

but sunlight burns.
and warmth fades.
and what if i can’t keep it?
what if it leaves
like everything else?

so i stay here,
in the shadows i’ve named home,
where sadness hums
a lullaby i’ve memorized.

because even pain
feels safer
than hope
that might shatter.

i love you like the sun loves the moon—
too far apart
to share the same sky.

you wanted stillness,
a life with roots.
i wanted movement,
a life with wings.

we tried to meet
in the middle,
but love
couldn’t bridge
the distance.

so i let you go,
not because i stopped loving you,
but because staying
meant losing
ourselves.

some love shines forever,
but ours was the kind
that had to end
to set us free.