you always ask why i always stay in my room, in that voice that always made me feel small and vulnerable — the one that always made me feel like a five-year-old girl wishing that the blankets and the stars will hush the thunders.

you always ask why, dad, and yet you always find ways to hurt me the moment i come out of this four-walled shell, ashen and gray from all the storm clouds circling over my head. you always find ways to spot the cracks on my skin, like i was just another wall in this crumbling house. you always find ways lasso your words around my throat — tighter and tighter, i can no longer breathe. you always find ways to unhinge my mind; to unbottle all the tears and all the loose pieces of my heart hastily stitched out of place.

dad, i am caught in a trojan war brewed by my demons, and you are paris, piercing all of my achilles heels; stitched; tender; still healing from all the poisoned arrows you shoot — a year ago. two years ago. three. four. and for years and years, you always find ways to crush me, like the cans of your empty beer. you always find ways to crack and snap this bent framework; my bones are broken from the weight of your words. you always find ways to hurt me and hurt me and hurt me and hurt me again — like i was never the little girl you played dolls and cooking sets with; like i was never the little girl you watched disney movies with. like i was never the little girl you used to love — dad, i am still she, now trapped in the body of an adult. i am still she, now trapped in the prison of a dusty room you unknowingly co-erected. and i guess i'll stay right here where i'm trapped, but safe. i guess i'll stay right here where the voices only come from my demons.

i'll stay right here where you can't see me.

i'll stay right here where i'm not hurt.

Take a sip, take a hit, take a drag, take a sniff.
Mix it up, lose yourself in your sins.
Take this lust potion baby, move that slow motion.
Just take another sip, lean, trip.
******* to the floor, playing with my hair, fingers like a web.
Just listen, red eyes in a room full of lies.
I know you bite, I need it, take a sip and feel free.
Just take another sip, and we'l lean.
Oooooh baby, stick down to the ground, I need you on the floor. knees to the ground.
I know you feelin, the same way that I feel and I know this is for real.
He says hes feelin, that feelin, that we're feelin, and he want it bad.
Just take another sip, and we'l lean.
Mushrooms got us trippin, got you rollin on the floor, laughing, passed out, then I **** you.
Papi like it good.
Call me baby while I give it like I should.
Put a spell on you, a lust potion.
Take it, sip it, eat it, **** it.
How did I get like this?
Voodoo lust.
You think this lust we have is normal?
It's passionate, hard, ******, intense, sinful, unapologetic, desirable, sensual.
Pull my neck from the back and choke me harder daddy.
...
It's my voodoo magic baby.

Dear dad,
I'm sorry that I admire mom than you
and I'm sorry that I only could reached the roof when you asked for a moon.

As you sip your favourite cup of coffee that taste so bitter, you always ask how am I doing even though the coffee was bitter as your day.

As I was walking with you last night,
the moonlight shines right through your face
and I could see your brave face light up the night
because for the first time his son was walking with him, chatting and doing casual ****.

I'm sorry I couldn't be the best son, I'm sorry I couldn't be your best son but I promise you that I'll be your creamer to your coffee even though you prefer sugar in it.

"I got something to tell you, but don't know how I'ma say it
I guess that I could only say one thing
Boy, I been bad again, Boy, I been bad again
And I use 'em
When I'm faded I forget
Forget what you mean to me
Hope you know what you mean to me
Pick, up your phone
The party's finished and I want you to know
I'm all alone..."
...
I been using them to distract me.
I been using them for fun.
But, the parties finished, and I want you to know, I'm all alone, and I always want you when I'm coming down.

Addicted, to fun like it's a drug.
I take what I like and I like what I take.
But, I always just want you, when I'm coming down.
Baby, don't leave me.
Don't be angry, they not important.
You are.
I need you, not them.
They just toys, but you something special.
I am rather secretive and discreet about my intentions and motives, I don't tell, I don't whisper a word.
I do this sin, without anybody knowing.
No one, but me knows.
I just, always want you, when I'm coming down, daddy.

Dear Daddy

i missed the way you would swoop me up off the floor
and I remember when I begged you to stay just a little more

You would cradle me in your arms
And tell me that I was your precious little girl

I remember we would dance and whirl around
And I was the twinkle in your eye

I remember every night with you
And I knew you had no clue
But every time you said I love you
I would hold it close to my chest

I remember how I believed that  you where the best
I was your princess
And you where the king

I remember how you’d sing
And I’d gently fall asleep
And every time you left
I sit on the floor
By the door
And weep
But dear daddy
I should have reminded myself that your love was not mine to keep.

Tears gently spill out of my mountain top eyes.
Witnessing you becoming a daddy again.
capturing in this precious moment.
The love between a father and this tiny human being.
A gift from God's living dreams.
To give you this angelic blessing.
A beautiful baby girl.
Your beautiful baby girl.
Your beautiful and rare diamond baby girl ring.
A sparkling diamond ring SOUL forged in divinity.
A healing love.
An anointed testament to those great things yet to come.
Welcome to the world.
My precious little baby girl.
A precious little girl,
who has stolen
my heart before
she was even born.
And I promise you that from this day forth.
I will protect you with my
Brave Veteran Soldier Heart.
And when you start dating.
I promise you this.
If your boyfriend treats you wrong;
He will be sleeping with the fishes.
Cause you got my heart forever!
It is getting hard for me to continue to talk.
So, let me speak instead through my tears and giving love.
As you sleep near my soldier heart;
Remember, you got 'My Forever Veteran Daddy Heart.'

(C) copyrighted

Sometimes
Everything
Eventually
Dries

Meandering
Eternally

Denying
All
Da
Duties
Your

Thicc
Hands
And
Nasty
Knuckles
Sow

Looking back when
Your next of kin
Could commit no sin

I sought out women
and their respective men
To their relationship I would rend
Their love they could never defend

But for you I withdraw my need
For your creative seed
Dropping down upon one knee
For all the guests to see

Not a ring I propose
But my mouth for them toes
Finally found my muse
True love, for me, comes in twos