the 23 of each month for the past year i've written to you.
expressed how much I miss you, each month I've survived without you.
Today, october 23 its been a single year since your blue eyes stared aimlessly into the distance.
Some people attempt to show me comfort saying things like "hes in a better place"
In all honestly, I would have cared for him the rest of my life
dealing with his sickness, if only he were here today.
Cancer killed the most important man in my life, single handedly tortured him until he couldn't walk
couldn't talk
the last communication we made was in the hospice bed.
Whispering "I love you, dad" our hands clasped together, you squeezed my hand unable to talk this was your "I love you, good bye"    
You waited until both your daughters weren't present in the room to let go. For 3 years we knew the day would come where we couldn't bring you home from a hospital bed. Coming home without you was something, strange. One year later, and this house is just as empty as the day we left that hospital room without you.

I've been here before
sitting, waiting, wishing,
but for what, love from another
or just a longing for a real love
do I really need you in my life
or is it just a want
am I thinking too hard over this
or am I on the right path
should I be waiting here
waiting for some sign
a sign to tell me where to go
or what to see
or who to love
is it right for me to wish that you were here
to wish that for once you could see me
is it right to wish for you to truly show me how you feel
to show me that you'll be here for me
be here when I slip up
to show me that you'll be here to tell me its ok
to tell me you love me
as I sit here longing for comfort
the comfort I know I'm suppose to receive from you
I can't think of one time you've been here for me
you were always around but you never lived up to your title
you are suppose to carry me when I'm hurt
you are suppose to rescue me from the situations I get myself into
you are suppose to be the one guy I can trust
but I can't, I can't depend on you
I can't be sure you'll be here when I'm in trouble
I don't know if you'll always be here for me
my one wish more than anything is for you
for you to wake up and see what your missing
for you to realize why you are losing us
for you to see the pain you cause us
the pain that happens because of your action
it's not a physical pain that you cause it's emotional
it's the kind of pain that lingers there for years and years
the kind of pain that cause us to lash out at you
the kind of pain that makes us wish you weren't here
where in turn we truly want you to be here
but to be here in a completely different mind set to be here in love
to be here with a caring and trustworthy attitude
to show us not tell us you care
to use your actions to let us see you changed
your word means nothing if there is no difference in your actions
I say all this just to be left here
left here sitting, waiting, and wishing.

i write really good poetry about you and you don't even know.

that's the nicest thing you've ever done for me.

thanks.

The true horror
is that I'll never see him again-
my dad, my father

18 years on and I still weep,
weep like a lost little boy
that will never see his daddy again,
feel his strong arms' embrace,
see him help the weak,
or be in his presence

Weeping, like a lost little boy...

i am sorry that i cost you so much gold
as if you are a bank and i am only taking out a loan

i am sorry for being so **** expensive
my mistake i should have not been so ******* intrusive

formal apologies for forgetting the business expenditure
in place of my birth i did not know it was in the picture

i am sorry i didn’t check
family is actually synonymous with piles of debt

my mistake, my bad, i was too rash
so my worth can be paid to you in ringlets of cash

i will have the check written by noon
your rightful mortgage returned to you soon
but remember i did not choose you
how i do owe you

stress I’m not like the rest. hell half of what you hear these kids write about is me I’m all that they have in there lives. no dad, no mom, no home, there best friend is drugs, cigarette burns in the rug. **** all they wanted was a hug. stress is doing its best swinging a sledge at your back hoping you’ll crack. these kids don’t see there are ways to rid themselves of me. but they just are to blind to see the guy who will take that heavy bag off your back for just one fee. tell him how your day is. whats on your mind. anything because he cares. but nobody is in the line with zero wait time. no they all just keep to themselves walk along as there back cracks.