i’m unable to unpack
the damage those words did to me
at an age
where i was so vulnerable,
so open, so naïve.

i still cry,
i still cut,
i still look at myself in the mirror
and tear my skin off

i still torture myself to their photos.
a printed copy of her face glued to my mirror.
and my heart burns every time she appears on my feed.

i disagree with what you said.
through shameless stares on the street, praise, and adoration.
my confidence grew
where i can finally love myself
and admire me
more than you could that time.

but i think about her every day
the way i lied on your balcony
and cried
the way i chopped my hair
did my nails
and changed my face

all because of one text
“she’s cute, but not like her”

You have no clue what I went through.

Crying on the bathroom floor,
explaining to my mom
everything I had hidden from her
for the past few months.

Weeping for hours and deciding to compose
the hardest letter I ever had to write.

Sobbing because I thought I'd never
speak to him again.

But then crying tears of joy
when he finally came back.

A few days after, dying on the inside
because he left again,
but seeing his name pop up
on my screen after another month,
wondering what I should do
and deciding to reply and

finally

tears slowly falling from my eye
as I faced the fact that I had to say
goodbye.

Being ignored by someone you adored is a lot like hell

Being implored by someone you abhorred sounds swell

I know when to be persistent,
I know when to stop trying.
I'll quit my "*******,"
Stop my "crying."
:)

All I remember since living here
the past 3 years
is mostly lots and lots of hardships
I wonder to myself
is this all worth it?
I just don't know anymore ...

As I sit here crying all by myself
the pain of my life
just gets to me
everyday feels like a year ,
I've lost so much in my life
yet I still see the good in it
I guess, 
that it was worth it .

But when i interact with others
I just wish that I could have a family
that I could speak to,
or even just one good friend.

I don't think that's asking for so much ...
I checked my brother's Instagram today
after months of not,
and I wish I still didn't care
after the ways he has abused me so,
but I do
I worry
looking at his shaven head and his gaunt body
to the brother who was once
my best friend in this whole world,
the one that I felt,
loved me no mater what ,
but turns out that this was never love
it was abuse and trauma bonds,
which is reflected in the way that he now appears,
as this scary looking gangster man,
who cares more about money& his ego
than loving and caring about others.

And I just ask myself why??

But I think it was always this way
or maybe it wasn't ,
Life just feels so painful
in some moments .

I just so badly wish
that I didn't feel anything in my heart,
I feel so often
that I wasn't born for this world,
I am just so extremely sensitive
and I love with such a big heart,
that I remember every single fling
I had, and I still love every man who cuddled with me
and hugged my little heart so tight :(
To know that the ones that I loved
could care less about me,
bleeds with a soul knife
that  just likes to taunt me
all the time
with its memories.

the loneliness is killing me alive
it’s feasting off my fragile being
alone, locked up in my own four walls
i’m slowly starting to go berserk
i need something, just something
that does something to me

a lonely tear rolls down my face
a trembling ocean underneath my eyelids
maybe i do suffer from dopamine deficiency
maybe i am for being against it
and maybe i just have to stop believing all of the diagnoses of the frauds around me

as fast as the loneliness took me in
and the tears came
it stopped again
and the only thing remaining
was this irrepressible desire
for more more and more

How is it that I mean so little to you?
When I cry my whole heart out blue
How is it fair that I'm the one crying every night?
When you're out there living your best ******* life
Do I really mean so little to you?
After all these years of us being perfectly dued
To this thing called love...
How can I mean so little to you?
You ******* *******.

-fir.m

I just want to
    be m  i  s         s  e   d.
I just want to  
be    l  ov     e  d.
I just want to
        be with y               ou
w he n I fe  el a      lone.