How would it be when you visited me to bring food? I thought on the plane as I landed home. To pass time, I put my bedsheets in the washing machine. Taking out the trash, I started feeling empty. The empty hallway of my apartment waited for you, I waited for you too. You appearing under the golden light front my door with a cheesy smile, holding white plastic bags. Our eyes scanning each other for the smallest changes, things that we wouldn’t speak about during our calls. I notice the longing in your eyes. To be honest, I was scared of staring back into your eyes. A bit of awkwardness, maybe a bit of embarrassment. It's funny how we know each other so well but seeing each other across from the room

our eyes crossing but feeling too embarrassed to stare

not being able to touch each other

we suddenly feel so different. so separate, strangers.

in my head, I thought: what if I look at him and his eyes don’t look back?

When I told them, blank stares
But I heard behind my back
"He knows" - they pointed at my only friend
But no one cared to ask

Me - It seemed like he had friends to tell
That would go with him through hell
Those that never cared to help
me, or even listen.

When I was weak, no one reached an arm
but did I extend mine?
I must have forgotten. I wish I had.

Today, they apologize
Don't you think it's too late?

i step into the shower
picking shards of glass off my palms
delicately undress the wounds on my legs

cold water pours
i rest my purple, ****** fingers against the shower stall
and douse myself in rose-scented soap
scrubbing what skin remained

see my black eyes in the broken mirror
as i wipe my face off.
an arsenal to fix the mess.

loving arms wait outside the door
but my cold hands tremble on the ****

bruises wrapped in a tight dress

i’d lie gorgeous in a casket
and finally rest.

all i think about is him
the way he looks into my eyes
sees my pain and passions
he, who is directive
but softens his eyes looking into my soul

despite never having held something so delicate, so fragile,
he isn’t afraid of holding me tight
he sits with me as i cry
and tells me i’m beautiful.

am i enough now?
am i pretty enough?
am i cuter?
drop-dead gorgeous?

did i change enough?
am i to your liking?
enough to erase those words,
to rewind time?

make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better

make me feel again

i see the way she looks at me
i wish i knew before
the praise was too sweet,
too humble.

the guilt was decadent
and so she tattled.
to brag, to show,
to relate;
to wear my skin.

she crawled under us,
wrapped around you,
and you followed,
craving venom.

it stings: the bite, the envy,
and the way you looked at her.

i thought you could never break my heart
but with your head in the sky
and my heart in hand
you lost your way
you lost my hand

and again,
the tears pour.