Everything I can't show is what's going to put me right back in the hospital
This blatant cycle of denial is far beyond getting out of control
The pileup looks physically and mentally insurmountable
How can one person run into so much trouble?
It's unmeasurable
Eyes forced shut, but it's not always safer in there, alone and vulnerable
Behind a pane of pain, only view is through this soulless porthole window
Find it hard to dream when life itself seems just about impossible
I've lost control of this roadside attraction freak show carnival
It's too much to juggle,
And that's why I struggle

©2024

It's a miracle that when I hit the proverbial wall I didn't split my skull right up the middle and spill it all
Not able to gain full control, a factual portrayal of self betrayal as usual
Once beautiful, evidence of it not admissible, miserable and hypocritical
A little dysfunctional don't ya know
All the scars that don't show are what slow the normal flow
Out of my mind cause its inhabitable, so I turn to a radical but experimental cure that'll baffle the medical field because its all hypothetical
What if I didn't hear my call to greatness or maybe I just dropped the ball
I could make a voodoo doll and place him at the finish line so I could win after all

Instead...

My fall hit terminal velocity before I stained the city streets and still survived impossibly
Low visibility so there's no way to see what's right here in front of me
All the money in the world couldn't put humpty dumpty or me together again indefinitely
They just don't have the technology to put me back the way I otta be
There's a high probability that I live in a realm of impossibly
To actually believe that I could ever be a normal man in this society is lunacy
But do I even want to be a part of this idiocracy? I mean really
But it's easy to get lost at sea, holding on so desperately to a buoy as the waves that represent the calamity of life pummel me savagely
No key to the shackles that bind me
I'll be lucky if luck ever finds me
Try not to give a **** but life always reminds me
So I gouge out my eyes to permanently not see

Now...

It's only darkness as I regress to a familiar residence
A yellow envelope taped to the door, no more light access, only dark witnessed at this address
Under constant duress from the excess stress and an abundance of B.S.
The absences of a conscience is the best plan to make it easier but I must confess
That this chess game is at a stale mate, zero progress
I don't even know what progress feels like, seems like I only digress
But I still obsess over a success that will never be reached due to being far to careless
Nevertheless, I continue the process even though I don't possess any finesse
Like a bull in a China shop, I make a mess of everything with nothing but my presence
So in essence you could make a case that my existence here, by every measure, pointless
And you might be right, at the very least it's a good guess

©2018

The thoughts
They come
They destroy
And then your done
Capture all your feelings
Crush all your believings
You try to take control
But they just can’t go away no more
Years of fear
Years of worries
Years of praying to the heavens
But they don’t leave
They are here with me
And not letting myself to be
Who I wanna be
They just come and explode
Make me wanna hit the road
Go far
All alone
Take a hike
Turn of my phone
But they won’t leave me alone
It’s there
Why the **** do I care!!
(I’m in control!)
No you’re not!
(This is my spot!)
No it ain’t !
And than I paint
All my thoughts
I’m going crazy
It’s too much
I’m going crazy
They are torture
Make my life more slower
They ******* take up time
They are ruthless, never rhyme
Make a hole
A deep dark hole
Where I can’t fall in no more
I climbed out years ago it’s pulling me back
And the fears in there, they wreck happiness
They choke me
They tear my mind apart they mock me!
(You ain’t strong!)
Yes I am!
(You can’t succeed!)
Yes I can
I can just run away from all this *******
But  it’s running after me, never seams to quit
It wants to be the king
It wants to be the ruler
And as the days go by
It gets crueler and crueler
(Worry *****! Be afraid that keeps you alive!)
No it ain’t that’s what makes me die!
(It is a part of you!)
No it’s not
You behave like you have a ******* spot
But you ain’t
You trying to take control
I won’t let you
It seams like a 1000 years ago since I met you
This toxic relationship has been to long
Now that’s it I have to be strong!
(No you’re weak!)
Let me speak!
( I have a louder voice you coward freak!)
No you ain’t !
I'm in control, you just wait!