You say it will never work.
We're too different,
yet you still have feelings for me.
You tell me-
you "hate" me.
I make things too complicated.
I just wish you knew-
I love you too.

That's what you called it-
with that lovely little smirk on your face.
I should have know then the conversation was not
headed in the right direction.
The way you "classified" our night of cuddles and laughter-
as a one night stand.
I thought we were working things out-
that you were going to take a chance.
I should have known you were too much of a calculated person for that.
The risk was too great.

You are a study in

contradiction,

(Filofax looks and

roller coaster smile.)



You've patience short

as a fireman's hosepipe,

eyes that you

narrow like the Nile.



You walk like you're dancing

at the Pope's wedding;

talk like you haven't

got the time to stop.



You're always grinning

when it's raining

(down from the bottom

and up from the top).



You mock like a bat

but you're scared of darkness-

scared of losing

your own two feet.



Your misplaced faith

In your own self-loathing

lurks in the sun

taking pride in defeat.

Did you call her at all,
drunk and alone in the middle of the night?
Did you tell her
she was the one you wanted?

I suggested we spend the weekend
away in the city that sleeps
as well as we do together.
You used an exclamation point
in your response
which you never do.

Why don't you talk to me
the way I imagine you do
to people you are less invested in?
I always assume you are
actually
invested
in me.

The only thing I think about
is you.

Will I ever manage
to be strong enough
to get what I deserve
from you?

Unfortunately I cannot truly say I am over you

it's not true, you know it too.
You know me too well, it's too true.

Your believable stupid lies
I was stupid to believe.

Your eyes follow me across a room
Across a room I follow you.

Pathetic. Regret it. Forget it.

I can't.

I'm under you.

My mind is the only thing
that keeps me from going insane...

pull the plug on me before
i switch off the breaker.
perturbed you glance as
condolences roll off my lips
and fine sherry slips past them.
nothing was meant to be rosy and
in the black of our feelings,
the devil moves in me
as you are meant to.
the circuit in my halo
is calling *******
and bast is laughing,
coughing ugly colours from her lungs.
puce must be our hamartia
and when it dribbles down my face
i make leaf piles out of
the skin cells and ugly rivers,
and you take breathing for granted.

but you don't give up that easily,
and when i'm filling my bathtub with wine
you're there to lap it up.

you won't even look at me in school,
but when I show up unannounced
on Sunday mornings with smoothies,
your mom welcomes me in,
you descend the stairs with your graceful, conservative foxtrot of a gait.
you hug me hello and we laugh about things like normal people.
your dad comes in from the yard work to say hello to me,
ask me where I'm headed to college.
everything is the way it should be but
you won't even look at me in school.