What is this?.
Can I understand.
Is this something beyond me.
People will think I am a fool.
Why am I not understanding it.
What's happening.
Am I not concentrating in it.
I should run.
I am shy, I can't answer.
I don't know.
What to do.
I am getting scared...

And suddenly my soul came out.
I was shocked,
my hands were shivering.
My soul spoke to me.
Told me that,
'It is your fear, that is eating up your confidence' .
Go back and speak up your mind.
Go back and fight against your fears.
I don't have the confidence to answer back, to
fight, and to learn.
I am fool.
My soul told me ' that's it,
you got it. You got that you have the confidence but you
don't know'.
My soul went away.
My mind and my heart were telling me to go.
I went to **** my fear.
To speak in front of people.
To open up my feathers to the world.
I got that confidence,
that was hiding from me for so many years.
And lastly, I remember that
That fear that would wake up everyday, everywhere.
My tears that falls on the ground everytime.
Now that my confidence has come to my way,
I am feeling my night as a day.

Yes I'm the pregnant girl
Carrying fluids and fats in replacement of a child
I am the girl whose body component is mostly made up of fats.
Ashamed???.....Yes,
But not of what YOU say anymore
But of ME, letting you define me
But of ME, letting you paddle my existence
I am ashamed of MYSELF for jogging 60miles a day just to slimfit myself into your T-shirt
I am ashamed of me downloading several "LOSE BELLY FAT" apps and making my body go through every pain and exhaustion, so you could be proud to call me YOUR OWN in the public.
I am ashamed of me for fighting and cursing the genes that makes up my entire being,
Wishing for the perfect tummy, figure 8 shape and trying to please your existence forgetting mine.
But it's over!!!
I am done being ashamed of the fat in me,
I am done being ashamed of hiding,
I am done wishing,
And YES! I am the fat, ***-bellied, intelligent, smart damsel you lost while searching for a perfect, slimfitted, cuddle mate.

I sat with my grief long enough
To be at peace with her
Asked her how she came to live with me
She replies with a simple answer
I am the product of your lovely heart
The heart that allowed itself to be touched,broken and mended.
I asked if she would leave soon
She replied, so as long as love lies inside,
I will also be.

I sat with my pain , who looked wrung out and bled profusely
I offered a cloth to stop the bleeding
But she refused to take it, said she didn’t want to heal
I then proceeded to ask her why she stayed
She starts to cry aloud and shows me her wounds
When I looked carefully I saw that they were bind with heaps of memories and guilt
I slowly took a deep breath and untangled the rusted chains of guilt one by one
The beads of memories were tightly wrapped between the chains
It took me a thousand tries to untangle the mess
But when I finally did, my pain stopped bleeding . She took a breath of relief and thanked me for it
The next morning she left and replaced herself with wisdom

I also sat with my insecurities
We sipped a cup of warm chamomile
When it was all calm, I began to ask her
How and why she became a part of me
She looked afraid and shaken for a while
Then she whispered and told me
It was because the world had distorted my own perception of myself, that she was born and grew to be a part of me
I did not want to kick her out so harshly, lest she be filled with more fear
So I gave her a pat on the hand and kissed her gently
Told her she need not grow any longer
And asked her to become my best friend
I was no longer ashamed to be with her nor was she with me,
And this is how I found a home inside myself.

I gave food the power in my life
and watch it completely destroy me.

“Does it pick me apart piece by piece?
Or does it eat me
in perfectly portioned bits?
Does it scarf me down?
Or does it daintily
pluck at me with lush lips?
Does it stay awake at night?
Or does it just
eat me completely carefree?”

I wonder why I gave it all this thought
and why I let it turn into such an assault.