I saw my ex today
after planning out a day to get away to see him. After he told me he'd be in state for the weekend.
And I refuse to say I missed him.

I saw my ex today
after six years of rebuilding myself. After we couldn't make it work when we were so young.
And I refuse to say I still care.

I saw my ex today.
after already being in a new relationship for two years. After my current boyfriend finally told me he feels comfortable with me. And I refuse to say I did the wrong thing.

I saw my ex today.
after writing poem after poem referring to the love we used to have. After I found new life and new love in a new man.
And I refuse to let myself go back down that road.

I saw my ex today.
And after all this time he missed me more than I missed him.
And I refuse to be that little and naive girl again.

I wish you all the best, but I want all your best.
I want you to finally be happy and be in a good place, just as long as that place is inside my house.
I can’t promise that I’ll ever be happy for you, because I want to love you at your happiest.
I crave you at your most productive.
most passionate.
least insecure.

I want the best you,
and I still can’t understand why you couldn’t be him for me.

I was just staring at the invitation someone gave me
Yes, that someone who played a significant role in my life
My eyes are crying,  my heart's in agony
For I never thought it will bring me this strife

As tears rolled on my cheeks, I reminisced that day when we first met
That day when you gave my life a new direction
My reminiscing stopped for a knock was heard
"Twas my friend saying, "Hurry up, we're late for his ordination"

As I entered the church, I gazed at the altar
On that same altar where thirteen years ago
You held my hand, saying "I love you with all my heart
But there is someone whom I love more than the way I love you"

I see, it's God whom you really love more
I cannot blame you, for after all
You wanted to serve him for the rest of your life
All the while, you were waiting for His call

Today is the day you have been waiting for
The day where everyone will get to call you "Father"
How I wish we could have a picture together
But I am your ex-lover, It'll just make you bothered

The ceremony has ended, your mother saw me
My heart stopped, I didn't hear a noise
She muttered "Hey sweetie, long time no see!"
I was about to reply when I heard a familiar voice

As I gazed around I saw a lovely man
Yes, that same man  whom I loved for thirteen years
He still looks handsome in that clerical collar
I cannot speak a word, I embraced him, wetting his shirt with tears

He embraced me back, telling me "Dear, I'm sorry
For now, I cannot grant your dream wedding
But this I promise you, on that day
I'll be at the mass, I'll be the one presiding"

I left the church with a smile
Thanking God for that closure
As I watched you from afar for a while
I told myself "Someday, I'll be happy for sure"

How excruciatingly painful

The simple act of closure

29 pages of memories,

could-have-beens,

grey promises.



75,003 characters

Of dedication and loyalty meant nothing

and my thoughts bring only

Unshed tears

That chose instead

To mourn the loss of something deep inside

A feeling, a home, the love of a family promised

Long long ago in vain

Now forgotten.



It's better this way,

It's okay.



Eyes may twitch

One may burn, with

Unshead tears

That chose instead

To remember the good

Because it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

It's better this way.

Are we looking for endings?
Or just a means to an end?
We're so used to the idea of stories not ending unless they end happily
that we must push,
bolt the door,
and plaster smiles on our faces till we convince ourselves we're finally okay.

What about unanswered questions we both have?
I turn to the pages of my diary to ask why you left.
To ask why you didn't try to stop me from leaving.
To ask if you ever cared or if you feel the same sense of relief that I feel now that you're gone.

What would be the last frame of this movie anyway?
Are we smiling as we walk our own ways?
Is one of us left crying at the table we shared drinks and curses at?
Are we going to be dragged kicking, screaming to our ends by our own egos?

Or will this end softly in silence?
Will a last kiss be appropriate?
Will a last time running my hands over a real, unpixelated body be enough?

There are more open doors now than ever before.

But, yours is the only one I want to close.

I lay down this dead roses
Out in the open field
Watch the petals turn to dust
And vanish in the wind
Make a heart felt wish
For a soul I once thought I knew is dead and gone
Sank deep into the abyss
So glad I could catch a glimpse of whats left of your sunken soul
And now I loosen my grip and set you free
May the waves carry the weight of your burdened spirit  
Forever hold your peace
©Sonia Ettyang

We had driven each other crazy
We had hurt each other so badly
Truly,
We just were not the right ones for each other
The old versions of ourselves deserved better
Indeed,
We needed time to heal
We needed time to grow

Yesterday,
All we could feel is pain
We were full of regrets, of hatred, and of questions
Today, I can say
The horrors of the past are finally free
Now that we’ve found the missing pieces of our puzzles,
The past can rest

The better versions of ourselves are now with the right ones,
With the ones whom we can love better than we ever did before
With the ones whose patience, understanding, love, and everything in between, are more long-lasting than ours before

Today,
All I can feel is happiness and gratefulness
Thank you for all the memories we had shared
They might not be the best ones
But I have learned and grown a lot
I am still deeply sorry for all the pain I had caused you

But dear,
Everything worked out just fine
And that's what matters