Nyctophilia
(n.) love of darkness or night; finding relaxation or comfort in the darkness

The moon’s light allows shapes
to reflect their way around my room,

dancing,

everytime the wind blows.

Branches on a nearby tree,
tap on my window,
as if asking permission to emerge,

fight their way through the glass

that keeps them out.
Shadows hide in the crevices of
my walls,

as if the darkness would steal

their souls away,

losing themselves forever.

you unfollowed me
which in this generation is
akin to alienation,
it shuts down the waves of good vibrations
and signals the immediate effective termination
of friendship.
in a click of a button,
the tap of a screen,
and everything we've worked toward,
wasn't what it seemed.

you moved away
we never spoke again and i feel like
that's my fault.
why?
you're the one who
ended communication,
gave no explanation and even
closed off an opportunity for reunification,
but it's my fault.

you burnt the bridges
that supported you on the
epic failure that is your journey.
you never tried hard enough
you complained too much.
i believed in you.

i still believe,
with zero proof,
that you could pull yourself from
the rubble of your lies.
and walk through these streets,
head held high,
as a champion of your own design.

your dreams are still attainable,
and i hope the severed lines
of our friendship
was something that pushed you
to be more than you ever thought you could be.

i still believe,
with zero proof,
that you could still put others
first, for a change,
and set forth on the life-changing
journey you wanted.

i hope i was the toxic friend
that was holding you back.
at least then,
i can accept the death of years spent
together, with nothing but love and support on
my end, and nothing but self-diagnosed
illnesses, self-hate, and self-deprecation on yours.

My eyes roll back as the ceiling fades to grey -

the walls around me,
of similar color, but
you can’t tell in the

dark of night.
Telling me everything’s okay,
as i watch the life drain from
my skin.

My mind racing,
got me thinking i’m *******
crazy.
Lying here as you claim me as your own,

even after I begged you not to.

I don’t feel the same about you,
as you do to me.

The ceiling fan is on high,
but the only influence Im under,
is lack of air

as you continuously grip at my lungs.
Pleading,
for once more with me.

One more time and
you’d disappear,
that’s what you promised.

Haunting me,
while you cling to something not there.
Telling me everything is my fault,

that you’re not to blame.
I wish being alone in the dark, comforted
me as it did before -

now left with my thoughts

as they consume me whole.

Nothing better to do at this hour,
i’ll continue to drive myself up a wall.
Maybe even go for a ride on the ceiling fan,

no different than lying here lifeless

as you finish what’s left of me.

I’m no longer a fighter,
At least not the one you once knew;
The world isn't getting brighter;
Just a little bit darker.
Friends seem farther,
Demons just a little bit closer.
With my thinking,
There’s never closure;
I can’t ever find my way.
For in the dark of night,
I seek the light of day.
Gone down the wrong road,
I'm not a prince, just a toad;
Buried beneath,
Stuck in Morse code.
Thought I could go god mode;
Super strength, all-powerful.
I thought I was incredible,
But I'm no Bruce Banner.
I thought I was invincible,
But I'm no Iron Man.
More like the Metal Man,
Meddling in affairs.
‘Cept life's not fair.

Already placed in battle,
Rifle running rattle,
I’m training like a soldier;
Thoughts crowding like cattle,
Thought I could hold her;
She's all I can think about.
Can't get her out of my head.
Used to feel alive,
Now, I'm feeling dead.
This one-sided attraction,
Self-doubt, large fraction,
Chemical chain reaction;
Rejection, hit like a wall,
Made me fall;
Like first king, Saul,
Can't stand tall.
Am I a man?
Can't hold her hand.
It's like Wendy and Peter Pan,
Lost in Neverland.
I feel paralyzed,
No vice vision;
Fast forward,
Rewind.
No direction,
I'm blind.
This is my body.
This is my mind.
Muscle-memory mimicry,
Chained down,
I thought that I was free.
Guard up,  
I thought that I could be me.

You see,
I used to be a fighter.
But I'm tired of fighting.
I should've enlisted,  
Here, I never existed.
This story's end,
Happily never after;
This decade's end,
Turning twenty-one;
My match has ended.
And I still haven't won.
Fire's been extinguished.
Fuel tank's empty.
No more will in me.
The pressure's killing me.
Bout to go off,
Time's ticking to two;
These gloves, I'm hanging up,
I'm finally through.
Points don't matter,
The price ain't right.
I ain't a Mad Hatter,
I’m down, no flight.
Insanity isn't my vanity;
I feel like I've lost my humanity,
I'm not trying to be a tragedy,
In all actuality,
I've reached my capacity;
Anxiety caused a calamity,
And, now, this is my reality.

A fighter no more,
I lost the war.
Yeah, I ain't Thor;
I may have lost my roar,
But my legacy leaves a lore.
Unworthy of the hammer,
I feel like I'm in the slammer.
Outcast like the Martian from Mars,
Stone walls and iron bars;
They say that I should  
Reach for the stars.
You’ll reach Jupiter in no time,
Just get on the grind, and climb.
They say that my writing's good;
But good was never enough.
Just gotta act tough, and
You'll get through the rough stuff.

My heart broke 700 times

I'm glad you found your closure
It feels like it opened a cavity in my chest
A billowing hole ******* the air
From out of my lungs and
Away from my brain
Away from the sanity I've created
Where I thought I felt secure
But instead the infrastructure was so weak
That the simple memories you mentioned
Left a mark on me yet again
As my heavy heart weighs me to my bed
And I wish so desperately to be alone
I feel as though I'm dying
I must accept reality as it is
I know that all too well
That's why I agreed to meet
To see you
To see me
To see us
Now
We're different than we once were
And while I understand how and why
My soul mourns the moment
And I know I should just live it fully
Because so soon it'll pass
And once again
We'll be strangers on the street
One heart armored with reinforced steel
The other a sloppy mess of
Broken shards and what ifs
Rotting until it turns to ash
And new flowers bloom from its death