They tell me the things I crave to hear
I'm hesitant every time knowing that it is all *******
I hold back as much as possible, but still give in I am only human
Thinking this time will be different, I was wrong
I am always wrong
Leaving an unfamiliar home mascara stains under my eyes
Residue of a wiped off sticky white substance on my chest
Lighting my cigarette a habit I had given up months ago
Crying because he was the same as all the others even though he stated over and over again he was not, and how he wanted to change my perception of men but he was one of them from the start
Inhaling each drag along with a a memory of the ones before
They always give so much affection and admiration until they got what they intended when they first laid eyes on you but it is now replaced with cold distant replies
They can not all be the problem right? So I guess the problem has always been me

Smoking,
so attractive.

Exactly like death.

They all -
correlate cigarettes and death
like it's a bad thing

When it really just
chokes for a while,

But the aftermath of both,
is beautiful.

The lights were dim,
and the noise was loud,
crowds of people all around.
I lost my way in the throng,
bourne along on the beat of the night.
Cigarettes needed, I left the bar
suddenly there you are.
You tried to chat I wanted none of that
just my smokes and a familiar face,
I tried with grace to let you know
move on, just go.
Just then I I knew my mistake,
you grabbed my arm and hissed in my face
“My name is John”
I tried to smile use some guile,
but you were hell bent, and all that I did seemed to provoke.
I choked the fear down, when I realised we were alone,
how did you get me here?
Wedged between the wall and the cigarette machine.
Croaks were all that I could summon as you undid my buttons,
frozen in fear, switched off from here.
Fight or flight?
Neither just fright.
I remember your smell, your touch, your words
I wanted to scream GO TO HELL but nothing came out.
The kisses were the worst,
no matter how hard I tried to move my head away
your lips, your tongue found their target.
Bruising me, pushing me, grabbing me, groping me
As you pinned my hands behind my back, I gave up,
Just like that.

i swore i’d stop writing about you
three poems ago. i swore i’d stop
hurting myself but i’m bleeding again.
i swore i’d move on and not look back
but i almost called you last night.
i never swore i’d delete your number.

where did you go?
what drove you away from
late nights smoking in my room?
you’d always play my guitar.
but only knew the beginnings
to most songs; i still
tried to sing along.

i’ve been drinking again and
it’s not your fault. *** washes
away the scars you left and
keeps me from thinking
about all the flaws you
could have been running from.

i’m hanging up this line for good.

I saw her from a distance
Her evident difference
alarmed me for a moment
My eyes hidden behind glasses
made split second assessments
My confusion in this place of fitting in
was considerable, unknown to me

I saw in her hand the cigarette burning
Her fat perfectly rounded belly held
and wrapped in red flowering
frilly and flowing dress
It was hiked up at the front
showing pudgy white blotchy skin
the time for babies was long behind her
We moved closer toward each other

Her difference and indifference grew
I noticed her saunter with unstable gait
Her long dried out died blond hair
Her own attempt at glamour stood out
The mismatched colours, the loose layers
and the string of large yellow beads
wrapped around her goitre throat
Her eyes gazing downwards
We were going to pass soon
I knew she was different

It was surprising and unexpected in this place so the same
I was unprepared in those seconds left to pass
Thoughts and feeling arose and changed
Those thoughts and feelings are mine to question

"Good morning"

And on the wind the smell of old cheap perfume
and cigarette smoke, delicious
Reminding me of who I was before
Of a far away time brought to mind
by that perfect mix of smoky chemicals
a place with happy memories
a place I longed to return to
my youth

I was left with a realisation
Our desire can lead us down a one way path
This one dimension forbidding alternatives
Designating an end point
A reminder not to forget who you were, is who you are now
Made from pasts both good and bad
To celebrate our differences

Smoke me like a cigarette.
Let me fill your lungs.
Let me be the rush,
that makes your blood flow fast.

Smoke me like a cigarette.
Let me help you relax.
Let me ease your tired body,
so you forget about the past.

Smoke me like a cigarette.
Let me quell your fears.
Let me help you back to sleep,
when the nightmares come again.

Smoke me like a cigarette.
Let me clear your drunken mind.
Let me be your sober voice,
protecting you from yourself.

Smoke me like a cigarette.
Let me take the gun away.
Let me help you realize,
that its not time to go away.