But I miss you so much, I'd do anything to see you.
Maybe you don't feel the same
But I love you so much, I take every chance I can to talk to you.
Maybe you don't feel the same
But my hands write only for you
But my eyes only fall on you
But my heart only beats for you

I guess it only breaks for you too.

this weekend with you went by so fast,
each moment suddenly in the past.
perhaps it speeds up
to make up for time you've stopped.
or maybe it's letting us pass
because it knows we'll last.

I look at you beside art and I can't spot a difference.
the sight of you redirected my path in an unforeseen instant.
your train can leave but our thoughts have never been known to be distant.
when we speak
it isn't your turn and then my turn.
we continue each other's sentences,
writing a continuous love story
as if we are both suns
producing poetic photosynthesis.
the word "dim"
is now just an antonym
of my colors,
as your shine brings out smiles like they are made of chlorophyll.
and our time together is incapable of standing still.
it can't keep up, we move too fast.
but how can I be blamed
if you brighten everything, no matter how vast?

Your sock is still playing hide n seek in my drawer
I can not bring myself to throw it out
Or toss it
Instead I let it squat between my own black socks and torn tights
It is the last thing I have to hold onto

falling, falling, plummeting down this vast emptiness i've felt many times before
spiraling into tears, violent sadness & passive aggressive anger
further down the rabbit hole
i reach numbness, emptiness & an imaginary aloneness between every moment of every day
dreaming of another life once again,
craving of something beyond this world into another realm.
i never for a moment question my love for you.
but as this poison they call depression begins to spread through my veins once more,
i question your love for me.
& every moment of affection, love & kindness you give to me fades in hours from my memory
as if my mind can no longer cling to happiness as it once did
& every moment of even the most minuscule spec of negligence,
(or at least what this entity attempts to convince me is negligence)
becomes a heartbreak in itself & crushes my esteem & my spirit further down
it's getting what it wants, a mutiny of my mind & the very depths of my soul, the core of my being

but then.

in the very last moments, the very last minutes you have as you are here by my side
you see it in me, this darkness
this sadness & anger.
& i never mean to take it out on you yet somehow this thing, it convinces me to
in a way so subtle i don't even realize that it's happening until after it's happened
& you see it, but you also see me
you see the smiles & laughter, the passion, the fierceness, the fire, love & light in my soul
that once was & had never left but has been stuck behind bars
& you hold me & kiss me, tell me everything will be okay & that you promise you'll help me through this
& i smile
& my heart races
& my soul regains a moment of strength for now
& i adore you so much
because somehow you always catch me at the last moment of "all hope is lost"
& you know how much I love cliffhangers

I knew from the moment you had your arms around me
that they were meant to be there.
I knew from the moment I heard you singing along to the radio
that that was a voice I wanted to hear wishing me a good morning
I knew from the moment I saw your eyes light up as you laughed
that I never wanted to fall in love with another pair ever again.

I knew from the moment I fell in love
that it would be impossible for me to fall out of love with you.

sometimes i want to rip up every photo of us
other days i tape it all back together.
i almost deleted your number last week
but then i didn't.
i almost did.
i deleted our conversations
released them into the technological oblivion
of past lovers
and empty words
and feckless attempts at reconciliation.
i wished i could remember it all one last time
just as it happened,
before it was soiled.
forgetting you is not linear.
there is no formula i can use
and no numbers i can crunch
to heal.
it's advances and retreats.
good days
and days where
the walls are closing in as i am watching you run farther away.
two weeks ago i kissed a new boy
i felt happy and free.
last night i cried myself to sleep
because i realized your scent no longer lingers on my pillow.
it doesn't get better each day.
sometimes it gets worse.
sometimes it gets terrible.
and sometimes i cry in the car when i am driving home from work.
but it gets better each time it gets good.
each speck of light i let in
eventually will turn into a flood.
i know the darkness will keep coming back
but one day there will be no more room for it all.