i'll be almost an adult
yet i don't feel mature
as the pain goes down my throat
and collects itself into a ball
of tears.

stuck.

i feel stuck.
i feel sorry.
(i wish i could say i feel nothing.)

i feel like i'm going backwards, asking myself
if i should be or not be at all.

i don't know what i'll say
on my birthday

when they ask me what i wished for
on the candle of the cupcakes

that aren't even the ones i asked for.

The best gift
you can
ever give to
someone is
your playlist.
Give them all
your favorite songs.
It'll be like giving
away a musical
representation
of your soul.

Surprise! Surprise!
It's your birthday today!
Many gifts, many presents, you'll open before the next sunrise?
Happy birthday!
Here are your presents!
Merry birthday!
You feel my presence.
Yes, yes! It is today!
As you know, I am your friend,
I know what's best.
And as I am your friend,
I am your guest.

You walked your dog in early morning
suburban calm
of hubbed parking lots, sprawled lawns
humming.

In knee tall grass imagining
your neighbors brewing a fresh *** and
pulling their curtains
wide.
I crouch obscure

knee bent, tree nestled.
My heart sings:
You, grin, grimace
The air stings
my notes strung
affix my lips to there.

Best wishes I offer at this time
I will observe the court order and
you look so handsome from here.

Use to despise birthdays *** all it brought was disappointment
I would get irritated from lack of attention and my bed was my only Ointment
One day out of the year
and did u use the opportunity?
no u miss ur appointment
And you do so continually  
Never had a party to myself
Because my parents didn't care enough
Had to share birthdays with Em and the child was ungrateful she always received stuff
And when they sang happy birthday they sang her name so yes it was tough
I only have 5 birthday cards to my name
And Out of the 5
only 1 person played their part
only one person gave me something from the heart
Used to think its a shame
I never got anything because They said my brown skin tone was lame
My ignorant outside family wouldn't give me their claim
Tried To stop the waterworks but a  dam can only last for so long
Had to finally realize I was looking at it all wrong
Used to think that because no one told me happy birthday
and no one gave me gifts to my dismay
That I wasn't ****
but now I see it
Finally realize it
They did give me something
At the time it seemed like nothin
But They gave me the clay That molded me into the person I am today
Would I go back and change it?
No I'm okay

today's my birthday,
but i don't want presents
today's my birthday,
but i don't want wishes
today's my birthday,
but i don't want to be older
today's my birthday,
but i don't want a party
today's my birthday,
but i already have everything i want

they told me that my mom loved birthdays
they told me she'd stay up all night
baking cakes and cookies and pies
they told me she planned parties months in advance
they told me she loved to sing happy birthday
and that she had perfect pitch too

they told me she made me her
famous almond dream cake
for my first birthday
smothered in coconut frosting
with one little palm tree
precariously placed on top

they told me that she
learned to knit
just for me
to make me a soft blanket
adorned with the words,
my little angel, cara

today's my birthday,
but i don't want it to be

today's my birthday,
but i don't want to remember my mother

A baby was brought into this world
but not without
preperation

Not without
Questions

Will she be an athlete
Will she like the color pink
She will be a blonde I think

The parents read the books
bought the diapers
had the showers

All leading up to 6:56 a.m.
On September 28th 2001

That was the day I met my beautiful little sister
She is 14 today and here are the thigs Ive learned
She loves the feeling of the wind as she runs
and hates anything green
She loves the movies we see
the books we read
and the laughs we share

But I hope she knows that the thing I love the most
is
HER