I tried to stay gold, I tried.
Now I'm left with brass where the gold used to be.
I've stayed up drinking, and swallowing swarms of bees
to **** all of the butterflies he's still sending me.

Hair trailing like jet streams
As tiny shoes skim the grass.
Don't know where she gets
The breath in her lungs to
Keep her going.
She'll need it for all the cushion
It'll give when she crashes into
Her daddy's arms to have it
Squeezed all out of her.

                                                It's always the moments few
                                             and far between

Keep low, her momma said,
When the sirens wail and they're
Shining that light through the blinds.
She keeps real still when red flashes
Blue even now.
Holds her breath and waits for
The light to blind her again.
Just a habit.

The drawings looked so funny
When they were done.
A sort of dark humor with the
Look of shock scribbled on her face
In cerulean blue.
Never liked blue but the shade
Always caught the girl's eye.
Her momma deserved that color.
Her daddy's car was colored orange.

They thank heavens it wasn't red.

"You can't Change it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Convince him.
But you can Cope."

Told her to repeat it like a mantra;
Post it on a wall
Let it spill like a holy verse
Until you believe it.
She wasn't one for God anyway.

                                                But what if I wanted to try?

Air around him isn't so stale now.
Frowned upon to have a beer
At an alcoholic's wake.
She wondered if this is how it would
Have smelled.

She barely knows the people in this
Room.
They're chatting about church and
How he was so great.
But she'll bet her last dollar
That they hadn't seen him sober
In years.

Hell, neither had she.
                                                *All I can do now is cope.

It was then I realized I was drinking to fill the gaps between now and death, and I was smoking to make those gaps shorter, and I ****** for distraction, because living without you wasnt even living, it was just waiting.

My head rushed, as I turned over to sleep
I should be doing something, I'm hopeless
those are the first two things I think this morning

My breakfast, if you can call it that, won't stay down for long
I crawl to the sink, my skin looks yellow in the mirror

Why, why, why? Those are the third fourth and fifth thoughts
why do I get up, why do I have to do this, why

I'm a balloon on a string that needs to be cut

the dreaded end. you can't even stand to be my friend.
remember our first "date"? you in bed early, yet I stayed late.
your friends adored me. you were too drunk to remember me.
have you a clue why you were naked in my sight
on our so romantic first night?
it wasn't because I am just that ******* hot.....
it's because your bladder could hold not.
and our last date? and every one inside our state...........
your friends compared my coolness to being greater than yours
and now all of my madness and passion just gets ignored.

You must not like someone being better than you.
Loving more than you.

She was an alcoholic who wanted to go for a swim.
Her kids didn't stop her for they knew she was already dead from within.
She stayed out there from 4 p.m to 10.
And when they found her the water had frozen over her head.
She was a good person, good mother, good friend.
She just had a lot of issues she needed to tend.
She never asked for help because she didn't want it.
For she knew she was better off not on this planet.
And when they broke the ice in the summer to get her body.
Her death had finally become reality.
They held the funeral and everyone cried.
For they lost the woman that once stood by their side.
The woman that they never saw a reason to worry about.
Because they never saw the signs because they weren't loud.
She kept her problems to herself.
Why worry everyone else?
They don't care and it's none of their concern.
She just wishes she could get another turn.
Another turn to change things and make them better.
Maybe take her swim in better weather.

"Hah. I wish I was an alcoholic. So every now and then I could remind you all of the things that I've done for you.
All the pain & hardships that I had to go through. All the sacrifices that I had to make.
Just to have all of my expectations torn apart by you.
I wish I could twirl my whiskey the same way you twirl me with your fingers. I wish you would realised just how lucky you are.
But out of everything I wish you'd realise all of those things by yourself.
If you'd take some of your dear time out of your own problems and maybe, just maybe ask me how my day was. Cause right now I'm on the brink of going back to that 'dark' place. A point where one would consider me twisted and deranged,
The worst kind of person you could find.
Oh, how I wish you would realise every little thing that I've done and consider me more than just an option.
Don't try to deny that.
All of this time I've been nothing but committed to you.
If only you'd have realised it much sooner, I wouldn't have to leave.
All those nights when you were alone and you'd call me up and I'd try my best to be there on the line with you. All those times when you needed someone and I'd text you back in just a few minutes no matter where I was or what I was doing. All those nights I'd make sure you didn't go to bed upset. All those times I fought with people I loved & cared for, for you. All those times I did things for you without you knowing.
All those times I tried not to love you.
I want to let you onto so many things but all you give me is disappointment and heartbreaks and I can not tell you these either because I want you to figure these out yourself, how much it is that you're hurting me, and how far it is that I am willing to go for you.
I don't want to tell you these things and force you to do things for me.
I am tired of being a shadow.
I am tired.
I am tired of you.
I wish I had another toxic to help me gulp you down other than yourself."
**- Aks, Alcoholic //Naked Emotions.