Solace

Solace 2d

why do you have so many scars & bruises on your arms?

god it would be nice to be so ignorant
it'd be really nice to ask that
it would be and so
i'm a little envious.

and, yeah, it's my fault.
i should have foreseen this.
but, by god, use some common sense.
everyone's staring now.

at the spot where my wrists meet the table nightly,
where the bruises line up almost methodically
like the kids in the courtyard.

at the white traces on my forearms,
like maybe i scratched too hard and one nail got caught
like maybe i pick the sharpest nail and rake my skin

at the scabs where my cuticles should be
because i couldn't focus today
i couldn't breathe and that tiny pull and that trickle of blood
made my lungs restart

and i feel like i should thank you
and i'm truly glad you don't know what you're talking about
but until then, please keep your mouth shut,
before you cause any further damage.

it's worse when it comes from your former best friend
like i know we don't talk anymore
but i saw you cry over your parent's divorce
and maybe there's nothing there but
it'd be nice if we could pretend like we still care
even though i know you don't

#sh #cuts #bruises #friend #anxiety #jealousy #maturing #teenager #hurt

Solace Oct 29

the fall

and i am scared

do i hold weights in my hand
that bound me to Hell?
or am i sinking my nails into a rope
that saves me from the plummet of death?

will i let go,
and will i find you?
holding my hand,
kissing my neck,
stroking my cheek?

or will i fall into the arms of a drunk stranger who shares your face?
who dances and sings and paints like you?
but doesn't remember me?

i can't tell.
some people can,
but i can't.
and so i'm terrified
to even breathe differently,
because i don't know if
my lungs will stop entirely,
or if
my fingernails will lose their blue tint.

maybe,
i'd rather not know at all.

there's a buzzing in my heart,
because i gave away my old toys yesterday,
and a part of me still wonders,
if it was really all that necessary.

#loss #gain #love #childhood #pain #choice

Solace Oct 12

photo day

i got my picture back today

and even though i just sat quietly
in a corner of my room
with the blinds shut
and the door locked,
even though i stared at the ceiling,
breathing in and out, in and out,
and came to terms with it,
even though i convinced myself i'd be okay,

somehow my skin looks ready to be checked out,
my eyes are two overfilling ponds,
somehow my voice chokes and croaks,
somehow my fingers have stained the carpet

and there's this girl in my head
and she's screaming
and i would give anything to make her stop
stop digging at her cells
stop burrowing into her DNA
stop exhuming her genes

i will always stay this way,
i wish i could tell her.
i will always stay this way,
and it's pointless to think otherwise.

smile, you're on camera

#selfhate #face #picture #insecure #harm #hurt

Solace Oct 4

icarus

it disgusts me how often i think of you
i would jump off bridges
off trains
off skyscrapers
to see you in the stinging water
in the cold whip of the wind
in the clouds in the sky
your name would be the last sound that leaves my lips
because i never got to say it again
because i said it enough times and life decided that was enough
it wasn't.
no, i don't think of you often at all,
because often implies there is an end and a beginning,
but there is no pause when it comes to you
for
you are the beginning,
and you were the end.

i'm flying too close to the sun
and although my skin is warm
i will combust

#miss #hate #death #love #always #mine

— The End —