I never wanted to change the sheets,
    as I always smelt you even though

you weren't there.


I loved you from the distance,
             from a kiss from you to us.

But I knew that I needed you to know,
          that I was here even though
you weren't between the pillow
           and sheets keeping me warm.

Sleeping without you, clutching the
             the cusion that had
                        you head rested

next to mine..

Closing my eyes I'd imagine you looking
               lost into mine.
Breathing deeply I feel a moment
       when you loved me.
            

I felt lost till you were next to us,
       we weren't apart.
      But I lost you every time you
             closed the door.

But now you're next to me, no longer
               cuddling pillows of dreams
I  have the real thing, you next to me.

I wonder what he thought of me
When I was 9 years old.
My two sisters and I running around
Excited to meet someone Mom brought home

I wonder if he knew then
What he would take from my family,
From me.
I wonder if he knew then
The wedges he would place when he tried
To make we.

I wonder how long it took him
to choose.
My older sister never liked him.
My younger sister was 4.
I guess it could have been worse.
It could've been her he had coerced.

When he coached my volleyball team
And insisted it was indecent
For underage girls to wear
spandex uniforms I thought
"how nice it is for him to care."
I wonder, was he concerned for me
Or protecting my delicious modesty?

When he followed me up to my room
After my showers
Was he waiting outside the door
Like he said,
or was he waiting
for the day he would waltz right in?

When he stayed up
Talking to me at night
We weren't good friends,
Best friends.
We were predator and prey.
He was trying to make me see
That him and me would be okay.

That my mother didn't care.
That my sisters weren't worthy.
That my friends could never understand.
He wanted me to know
that I was alone,
And he understood.
We were the same.

In the same breath
He would call me his kid
Then tell me how grown I'd gotten.
How smart, beautiful, honest.
My mother apparently forgotten.

Then there were hands.
And cameras.
Then silence.

When I was young,

I found out I could become invisible.

I didn’t notice straight away,

but there were moments over time,

In the day to day where people,

Would see through me,

As though I was air.

It took time to figure out,

As all skills do.

But it seemed the more I desired it,

The more it illuded me.

At the moments I needed it most,

It was not there.

And at the moments I wanted to be seen, or helped, or loved…

It worked.

Is this what you wanted,
what you imagined
the day those wedding bells rang?

Where is the man I fell in love with?
I miss the magic.
I miss the days when my heart sang.


-

We said we'd keep our love alive.
Our flame would never die.
Forget the world. Just you and I.

We told the doubters they were wrong.
Every day we'd sing our song of love.
I haven't heard it for so long.

- -

Through tear filled eyes,
beneath the sound of slamming doors.
I still see and hear the echoes
of the day you made me yours.

So tonight I make myself look pretty,
put on that dress you bought me,
try to remember all the
lessons that you've taught me.

I sit and watch the clock
til I hear your key turn in the lock.
Outside I hear the rain.
You smell like her again.

This food is cold! You say.
The candle's burned away.
You've got that anger in your eyes.
I try to fight the urge to cry.

- -

This isn't what I wanted,
what I imagined
the day those wedding bells rang.

You're not the man I fell in love with!
I miss the magic.
I miss the days when my heart sang.

-

Then comes the thunder and the lights go out.
Over the ringing in my ears
I hear our daughter shout my name.

I try to stand but it's too much for me.
Through the pain and tears
I look up to see you leave again.

- -

Jessie doesn't understand.
I try to tell her it's ok.
I take her by the hand.
Let's get your toys so we can play.

Why's Daddy angry Mummy?
Is it something I did wrong?
No. No, it's not you honey.
Come now, let's sing your favourite song.

I should've seen the signs
I should've listened when they told me.
All the times
you used to put me down and scold me.

I tried to walk away
but every time we had the talk.
You always had something to say
or made it out to be my fault.

- -

We said we'd keep our love alive.
Our flame would never die.
**** the world! Just you and I.

We told the doubters they were wrong.
Every day we'd sing our song of love.
I haven't heard it for so long.

- -

Someday I'll find the power
to rebuild my tower.
I'll stand tall again.
Find someone to buy me flowers

and Jessie, you'll be all grown up.
You'll be learning about love.
I hope you find that magic
that I've been dreaming of.

Don't ask your Mummy for advice,
for now my heart is cold as ice.
But baby come back for me
if there's still life left in my eyes.

She doesn't understand.
I smile and say she will someday.
She takes me by the hand.
"Let's get my toys so we can play"

/ /

(read forward, then backward, line by line)

I ran.
Not knowing what else to do
There was so much blood on my hands
It was mine
The kitchen knife
Caught in my chest
Guilt
Consumed by
Fear
I was heightened by
Adrenaline
But running on
Wasn’t enough
While trying to stay calm,
Losing control
It was me that would end up
Dead. Because
He was
In front of me
The whole time
It was too late
Trapped
I found myself
Locked in chains
My fate was
Death.

lesson one

your body belongs to the world. men are aloud to stare, to call from cars as red as your cheeks. other women are allowed to judge you, whisper at you behind your back. because in our world, it's way too common for a woman to be forced against each other, instead of together. it would be better if we were a team, not a country in the midst of a civil war. but ******* happens.

lesson two

you cannot be fat. if your legs are trunks and your hair is leaves, then you must be cut down. starve yourself down to a neutral frame, a canvas so to speak. then paint on ******* like mountains. teeth as white as snow. hair as blonde as sand. then you'll be the perfect landscape. the perfect girl.
that's all that matters.

lesson three

shave! take the razor and trim your gardens, for god's sake girl! no one will want you if you look like an overgrown yard that someone abandoned years ago. it's disgusting for one. no one wants to see something natural on a woman. at least, not men.

lesson four

men have standards that they've been shown. be thick-lipped, like kylie. be bootylicious like beyoncè. be thin like gigi.
be perfect.

lesson five

everything i ever learned was a lie.