once again I find myself with a few hours to pack and get dressed
(but not before my father hears me)
once again I find myself wondering
will I see the sun differently this time?
I know I'll feel like home when I see the ocean
but can I leave it all behind for 2 weeks or so?
will my body be there and my mind be here?
that only leaves me with a divided soul
see;
I consider the soul the perfect balance between body and mind
when those two meet and you meet yourself
it's not body and mind though; it's way beyond that
it's what makes you dive in yourself
and what makes you want to wonder

I don't know
I think this time the sun may smile to me
and the sky might show my favourite shade of blue



I just hope I won't be thinking about you.

when the waves touch my feet
when the sea kisses my skin
i know
no matter how long i'm away
it is like i never left.

*it's home.

"Saudade" the heart whispers in low tones
but I decide to ignore it
"Saudade" the heart cries
but I wipe its tears with numbness
"Saudade!" the heart screams in agony
and only then do I see
how deep the heart feels
that everlasting pain I decide to ignore
that unique portuguese word that describes perfectly
how everytime I ignore those threatening sad thoughts
they linger somewhere else

somehow I found myself back home
looking through this window again
why does it feel different?
suddenly I don't want the sun to shine tomorrow
I just want to hear the rain fall
and see the sky dark blue at 5 pm
suddenly I want to wear my big warm coat
and only feel good underneath the sheets

but at the same time
I want to go to the sea
and taste the waves as the sun kisses my skin
I want to see the perfect landscape with no clouds
I want to travel to those exotic warm places

I guess I just feel nostalgic.

sometimes, it's just the way you see the world
you can look at a deep bad situation
and still find something good in it

you can look at something considered ugly
and find the most beautiful thing in it

but i'm sorry if i can't find anything positive
whenever people are searching for their loved ones
between dead bodies and ashes

i'm sorry if i can't find anything good
whenever i see a grieving parent
talking about how they're never going to hold their kid again

hearts not only broken but destroyed
all over the world

and there's this question that lingers
"will this have an end?"

Loving you is acid.
And I can’t stop loving you
I’m a sadist, *******
But what I feel is true.

I only wish to shed no tear
On the way through
But you are thinking of her
While I sit here, thinking of you.

Está a ficar tarde, e tu atrasaste-te outra vez
Já respirei fundo e contei até três.
Mas de nada me serviu.

Nós caminhamos numa ténue linha
E ela está a começar a romper
Ainda nem tivemos tempo para nos conhecer.

Sei que é ingénuo da minha parte pensar em algo mais
Quando de mim só dou o que quero
Mas de ti tudo espero.

Estamos a chegar ao fim.
Tens mais alguma coisa a dizer?

Talvez deveríamos ter escrito um parágrafo
E acabámos a meio de uma frase.

you said you would be here
you said loneliness i shouldn't fear
you said greater than us, only the sea

you said we still had forever

i told you not to say forever in vain
because forever is greater than all you can think of

you said i was being foolish
and that i should let go

and so i did
i believed in what you said
i let go of it all
just to not let go of you

where are you now, sweetheart?
are you in the arms of another
are you waiting for me to call
or did you break your promises
and forgot it all?

darling, if you knew
how i shape the sea for you
and my mind is infected
with thoughts of depth so great
i'm diving and never coming back
you make me mad
oh, if you knew
how i'm addicted to you
and the thought of my tenderness
whenever you invade my head
you're this odd sickness
because you only make me feel ill
when you leave

So this is what it feels to learn something everyday
And the only reason I'm learning is because you're away
What am I saying...?
I didn't even ask you to stay.

I am learning how to bear with mixed up feelings
Somehow I miss you
And somehow I wish you missed me too
But you wouldn't miss me as fiercely
As I miss you.

I am learning how I can't force myself to feel
What I know isn't real.

And it's okay.
I mean...
She must have done something better.
You must love coming home to her smile.
And maybe you found something in her eyes
That you lost in mine.

you know those demons your religious grandmother warned you about?
they live inside everyone around you.

whenever someone loses hope
whenever someone loses themselves
that's how their demons work.

they haunt their every dream
they live inside their nightmares
and it's not a movie for them.

it's the darkness that takes over the light
whenever someone finds nothing else to fight for
when people become more fearful than human.

and you know those demons that you've been warned about?
they live inside you too.

i've whispered your name to the wind
i've swimmed in oceans of thoughts of you
you're haunting me, and you love it

you love how you make me weak
everytime you touch my skin
how my guitar's strings play for you
and how the song they play is so perfectly out of tune

i love the way your eyes stare into mine
and how they say "sweetheart, i'm yours"

because we're a lost wave darling
and we love how we're never going to find the shore

I know I think about you more than I should
And maybe more than you do
And sometimes I get lost and hope to never come back
Because I find in you everything I lack.
It might be selfish to want you
But I don't mind if I do.

Don't worry love
You'll find someone better.

The clock is ticking
And taking my time away.
There are no promises that can make it stop;
The words, useless.
Reminiscing won't make the future like the past
Nostalgia is just a mind mischief.

Nonetheless, memories keep us alive.
They never fade.

Living an unfulfilled life,
The only escape that keeps me breathing is the thought of repetition.
Nothing will bring that summer back.
The years will keep passing me through.  
And no matter what,
I'll still miss you.

I'm not going to talk about you again
No
I refuse.

I should be able to think about something else
But somehow everything reminds me of you
It's so ******* unbearable

Maybe it's because I've dreamt about you lately
More often than I should
Or maybe it's because everything else around me
Bores me so much I can't think broadly

I'll fight myself through these hopeless excuses
Daring not to face the unavoidable truth

And I'll tell you more;
Like the sun shines after the storm
Or the waves crash in the sea
I will adore you...
*Endlessly

I was born in a generation where I'm told self-hatred is no issue
I was born in a generation that says girls are pink and boys are blue
I was born in a generation where I'm told I can think by myself
But only if I think like everyone else
I was born in a generation that prefers a mirror over a book
I was born in a generation that only cares about how I look
They tell me body over soul
And popularity is your highest goal.

Well,
I was born in a world with seven oceans and five continents.
I was born part of a species that searches for answers.
I was born alongside people who fight for those who can't.
I was born with a voice and no fear to use it.
I was born with a mind of my own
And I refuse to submit myself to dull standards.

you once told me things happen for a reason
somehow, that time it didn't sound like a chick flick cliche
no
that one time, i felt like you meant it

but, sometime later
you came around talking like things had no purpose
as if all we lived was pointless

but, darling, i remember it all
i remember how true and raw it was
and i remember you telling me things happen for a reason

we happened for a reason

and that reason is salvation from ourselves.
because deep down we know that if we fell for each other
we would be the rope that would save us from the dark pit
our souls created for us.

if you want to drown, let yourself drown
but only if you feel so down
that nothing seems more appealing
than that bittersweet feeling
of letting go and letting in
all your drunk sins
of yesterday's night.

let yourself go
so you can get so low
that no man can ever reach
nor hear any screech
that may of your soul come out;
not even if you shout
can you bring yourself back to light.

but, once in a lifetime
you get to survive
this endless pit we throw ourselves in to;
you get to come back from the blue.
only to enter a whole different world
in which you find something worthwhile
that keeps you above the waterline.

is this anger
is this anxiety
or is this madness?
days turn into nights
in the blink of an eye
and here am i
the whole day was wasted
in thoughts and suppositions
predictions maybe?
why do i pretend to care at all
when all this is just a walk
yes, i guess that's what it is
life is a walk
and i don't feel like sprinting
because if i sprint
i won't be able to see nature
and all its greenness
and the waves crashing

i guess you can say i'm mad
rather than say i'm sad

i want to feel something
i want to feel like the shore feels when it is kissed by the ocean
i want to feel like trees feel when spring begins
i want to feel like my favourite song
i want to feel like an artist feels after finishing their masterpiece
i want to feel like i should feel

i just
*want to feel

I've come to the conclusion
that this was nothing but an illusion.
I was stuck on an idea of you
an idea that looked so purely true.

Reality decided to silence my dream
reality turned this fire into smoke
and now there's nothing left
where we once were.

Life goes by without you even noticing it
One day you have it all
The next one you lose it all.
It's less than a minute
But more than a second
And there's no stop button.
There's no life watch
No way to say when it ends
Nor when it began.
Sometimes it feels as good as 4 o'clock
On a sunny Saturday afternoon
Sometimes it feels as bad as 2 o'clock
On a dark Friday night.
Everyone is rushing and running
Everyone wants to stop the clock
But they often forget
That there is no clock to stop.

I guess I'm a lone wolf
Not by choice, but by consequence
I hold on to things too tightly
When they are letting go
I devote myself too easily
And let everyone know
How this lone wolf
Loathes the feeling of loneliness
To which she is bonded to
For all eternity.

You're not you anymore.
Or at least the you I knew.
And I knew you pretty well
For someone you say didn't care.

And don't give me that *******
That people don't change
Because if you hadn't changed
I wouldn't have been alone on a friday night.

maybe it is true
maybe I'm too young to feel so blue
it's this foolish need of feeling something so real
it won't make me doubt my existence
this need to feel the skin upon my bones
to know that I'm here

but it's so futile at the same time
this need to feel present being only satisfied by another one
why can't I feel it by myself?

one day I'll wake up and say "I'm here"
and I'll mean it

one day

Sometimes
I feel really small
Like I'm an ant walking among bears
As if I don't have a voice or matter at all
Sometimes
I feel ugly
Because there's always someone better next to me
There's always something else in somebody else

Ugh...

And sometimes
Sometimes I want to disappear
Never look back
Never come back
Like I'm a boat with no anchor
Ready to sail the world
But somehow I forgot where the ocean begins
And ended up walking alone
Through this empty road leading to nowhere

And I am lost again...

Why can't I have a decent night without the thought of you lingering in my head like a ******* mosquito buzzing in my ear and somehow I can't shake off the feeling you're never going to leave because somehow you always find your way back no matter how far I go or how mad I get you always get to have me back chained like a ******* slave and it's not fair because I deserve a decent night sleep without you enslaving my head and making me toss and turn until dawn.
And then the light comes in and all the demonic thoughts of you disappear for a while and I just think of how useless that is because I know somehow you'll get in my head again like a headache that only leaves for a few hours and then comes back and haunts you in your darkest moments.

i keep thinking the same way
i just have this whole lot to say
but somehow words are not enough
just know; whenever times are rough
you're the one on my mind
you're the one i keep trying to find.

and sometimes i wonder

what if i told you?
what if i were to say what you mean to me?
would i just sound mad?
would you push me away, or would i do it by myself?

all these questions consume me
as if they were wildfires burning inside
and i stand here
alone, once again
wondering how could i tell you
without saying anything at all.

you **** every bit of me
when you say we've got eternity
or when you invade my thoughts
without any warning
i'm defenceless
and what i see is you

so tell me
why did you leave?

Every step I take towards you
Is another step to damnation
You're such a sweet temptation
But it's gonna be your hell too.

the song keeps saying "I wanna be with you"
and the singer says it in a lower voice
like he's whispering to someone
and suddenly his voice turns into yours
somehow
you're whispering in my ear
"i wanna be with you"
"i wanna be with you"

oh sweetheart i wanna be with you too
but until you get out of my head and into my arms
there's nothing i can really do

Kiss me like the sun kisses the burned skin
Hold me like the moon holds the night
I feel numb to the sound of your voice
You leave me speechless, with no power or choice.
Leave me weak with such strength as a wave
Take my soul like it's a bargain
I don't mind the trouble
I don't mind the pain.
I am a slave to your love
You got me stuck with nothing but you
You left me lusting for more than I can get
And now I find myself trapped in this unbreakable net.

Take me back to the blue infinity
I want to forget the world and sail away.
There's nowhere in the world I can hide
Because what I'm hiding from
Is myself.

i always start writing thinking the same thing
'this time i won't write about you'
but then i start writing
and suddenly
i'm writing about
how much i miss you
and how much i miss your comfort

i will never recover.

The problem is that I belong to nowhere
And nowhere sounds ******* scary right now

Restless nights have become habits. Lying on the bed listening to the same song over and over again thinking somehow the song will change into the same childish sleep lullaby you fell asleep to when you were little. You excuse yourself saying the heat has got you or you have been feeling a little under the weather and you can't sleep, but you know exactly what's going on. Everything around you seems to have a meaning doesn't it? It looks like everything as a reason to be, but you don't. You don't have a thing to say it's yours. You don't have a thing to immortalize your name when your body dies. And thinking about it gets you. You think about it late at night, while everyone sleeps. You start figuring out solutions and idealizing plans to restart your life tomorrow. Tomorrow will be different. And when you notice it the sun is coming back up. You fall asleep with a smile on your face thinking you have made some progress this night, it was worth it. You sleep for 2 hours and wake up. Everyone is still asleep. It's 8am and you wonder why the hell you woke up so early and tired. It must have been last night. Last night...? It's a blur.

Oh baby...
I know I'm no good.
You don't need to tell me.
You don't need to show me.
I know there's a part of me that will always want you
and another one that will always repel you.
That's why we can't figure this out;
you'll storm out and I'll drown in tears and alcohol.

Maybe tomorrow morning the sun will shine for you
but you can always find me in the darkness.

There is always someone else.
Someone who can make your eyes sparkle more than I do.

So don't even think about starting something we won't finish
Because she'll make you regret it.

I don't know who she is
But I'm sure she'll know you.