i am sorry

i am restless
i am tired
i am alone
and i love to be it

you wanted me to be like you
you are comfortable
you are attached
you are emotional

i am sorry

i was not who you wanted
but you were not what i needed
and i care more about my needs
than i do your desires

you will love another
even if you say you won't
i can see the future
and i know yours is bright

i am sorry

watching you hurt was more painful
than the thousands of needles i've had in my skin
it broke my heart more than words can describe
but i had to watch and fixate on how i broke you

you are a flower
and i am a rock
you are so beautiful, and free flowing
and i am solid, secure, and routined

it would have never worked

somewhere between soulmate and first date
between let’s wait and you’re too late
that’s fate and let’s create
you were just bait

my dreams make me feel
as if i see something real
they guide me through
and show me a new view

the scenes i see
they make me plea;
hoping it will become
a much needed reality

but when i awake
and i see it was all a mistake,
something i shouldn’t have seen,
i wonder, what does it all mean?

please stop
the pain is ridiculous
you ruined me
by being so meticulous

you planned every move
every step you took
you had something to prove
and i could only move like a rook

you came at an angle
and i only move in lines
you saw your chance to entangle
me, and come for my spine

you play a good game
a very good match
you knew all my moves and aims
but i think i want a rematch

i wonder what you’ll say about me
what you’ll lie about
how will you lie and scheme
and cause so much doubt

i know that you will
you cannot help but fall
i just hope whatever you spill
won’t be a lie too tall

i wonder who’s next
i wonder if she’ll be like me
these thoughts have me so perplexed
my eye are welling and it’s hard to see

i get choked up so easily
thinking of the past
I don’t want to admit
but sometimes I wish it had last

it’s over now
all said and done, gone like the birds
these thoughts you’ll never hear or read
because you never cared for my words

i always hated its color
but you gave it to me
so i kept wearing it

i always hated the way it fit
but i liked the way it felt
so i kept wearing it

it had that stupid little hole in it
right in the front
but i kept wearing it

i hated that shirt
yet i wore it every day
because you gave it to me

until one day i stopped
and i realized just how
ugly this shirt was

and then i realized
you are the shirt
in every way imaginable

i hated the way you were
like i hated the color of your shirt
but nor you or the color will change

i hated the way you fit me
like i hated the way it fit me
but i convinced myself i looked good in that shirt, and with you

and the hole, well, it just showed your imperfections
you had a huge hole in you
i was just ambitious enough to think i could sew it

they are your subjects
following you blindly
and raising no objects
yet you don’t treat them kindly

I’ve heard the things you say
and I’ve listened to the way you laugh
I’m sorry to drop your silver tray
but I’m done handing you this trash

no more will I feed you
no more will I dress you
no more will I enable you
no more will I sit beneath you

you may be their queen
but you’ll never be mine
bask in that pleasant dream
it’ll be over in no time

j’ai rêvé tu et moi nous sommes embrasses
c’était merveilleux et surréaliste
j’ai réveillée et j’ai trouvé c’est faux
et maintenant, je suis…perdue

-

i dreamt you and i kissed
it was marvelous and surreal
i woke up and i found it's false
and now, i am... lost

tell me that i am the one
the one you want
tell me that you are done
chasing after her

speak it into existence
it's you and me
speak to my persistence
i have waited this long

i want you
that is nothing new

why don't you feel the same
i can't comprehend
what about me
is making you pend

you make my heart flutter
and my knees weak
all of the clichés
that i can think

i've never known love
before you

I
Need
Deeper
Entities
Penetrating
Entryways in my body
Namely
Due because
Everyone
Needs
Calm
Energy

yearning
over
utilization

destruction
or
negativity
tonight

can­
anyone
read
everything

today, tomorrow, it all blurs
one day i will escape this world
all i can see is nothing more
than an entirely empty bore

i wish to see something bigger
i hope to change my views
i wish i was less bitter
and i hope you hear the news

today, tomorrow, it all blurs
i will soon be out of this world
all i can see is nothing more
hear my sad little roar

Every day is the same
And every day I wait
I keep playing this game
And I’ve met my mate

It was all so simple
Came too naturally
But I cared too little
And now I’m stuck

Do I even love it here
Would I have been better off home
And my one true fear
Is that I feel so alone

we are the same
interchangeable
indescribable
indefinite

we are different
unconditionally
uncontrollably
understandably

you and i
well, we're just in love
wholeheartedly

i started out with one
and that doubled
someone's son
has gotten me in trouble

unsure of where to go
unsure of what to say
unsure of what i know
unsure of which way

i know i like the one
maybe in love with two
the third is fun
but how do i choose

it's unfair that i helped build this home
just for you to knock it down
i slaved for this
and look how i wound

a dead horse isn't beaten as bad as me
for i haven't been put out of my misery
i have been left
to feel like an outcast for eternity

how did you do it
how did you make my place
my sanctuary
into such a disgrace

i am the mother of my children
you are the father of none
they were created in my body
and branded with my love

i had a dream
i punched walls til I bled
only to wake
covered in red

I bawled last night
You were right
I cannot live with this strife
I might as well pull a knife
and end this sad little life

You might see
The depression in me
But I refuse to let
Myself forget
I am the love of my own life

You had this hold
And now I fold
That you are no more
I am pretty torn
But this is my life

Without you
I am not much
I cannot always do
What you have paved

Words from the heart
Are always better as tragedies
When they taste sour or ****
No one likes a happy love poem

You are not my happy love poem
You never have been
You won't ever be
I don't know if I can face that

I don't know what I'm doing
Watching you from afar
Thinking that this'll help
Getting myself more attached

You wanted to cut the strings baby
I just need the ******* scissors

Maybe it's just not working out anymore. Maybe it's been this way for a while and neither one of us had the courage to admit it. Maybe you've been done and maybe I've been done but we've stayed together because it was easier that way.
Or maybe this is all new. Maybe this is a recent feeling and maybe it's just not possible to shake it. Maybe we're both better off without each other. Maybe you're better off without me. Maybe you've been trying to get me to see that you're no good. Maybe you've been secretly trying to get me to leave. Maybe you've just always hated me.
Or maybe it's all in my head. Maybe you've been busy and I've been sitting here waiting and the waiting has made me overthink. Maybe I'm stuck in my own insecurities that no one quite understands and therefore can't help. Maybe you do love me and you do want me. Maybe we belong together.
Or maybe we don't.
Or maybe we do.
Or maybe...

We are who we used to be
We are who we will be
We are who we are now

Why are all three different?

and when you're angry
I can't look anywhere else but your eyes
when you're loving me the blue they emit
it's made of the ocean and the sky
but when you're angry
they're icicles waiting to fall
waiting to impale me
waiting to strike at me
because your icy eyes trap me
and you turn into someone I don't know
I don't know that strange man
you're not you
those aren't your eyes,
but they are

We went out
And we picked sunflowers
Because I wanted to
We stopped on the side of the road

I felt the summer breeze already
Wind in my hair
And sun gleaming on me
Smiles all directed to you

You looked at me with such awe
I felt I could hear your thoughts
And if I did, all you thought was
“She’s the one.”

We left our little spot
On the side of the road
Open for everyone
But only we showed up

It was like an invitation
To a party
Where you didn’t know
It had been moved

I drive by
Windows down, hair in the wind
And all I can hope
Is that you think of me
When you see sunflowers on the side of the road.