I wish I could understand
Why you do the things you do
I don’t understand why you have to be so mean
And get so angry over dumb things
I don’t understand why you never think you’re wrong
How do you not second-guess yourself
Are you just that confident
Or just that stupid
I don’t get how you can go from love to hate
In a matter of seconds
I wish I didn’t have to wish I understood you
Why can’t you be the adult for once
You don’t care about anyone but yourself
You only pretend to
But still,
I just wish I knew
Why you do the things you do
Because I’m hoping
Maybe that would make me feel better
About the things you do
And the words you say
But I’m afraid that if I find out
It will only hurt me more
But the fact is
that I will never figure you out
And I’m learning that
Maybe I don’t want to find out
Maybe I don’t want to validate or give a reason for
Someone to be
Such an *******
-{ksf}

I wish I could say the words
That always seemed to be stuck
In my head or in my throat
Now, you’re a thousand miles away
And I still haven’t told you
We made tents and I thought that
Should have been fun
But you ruined tents for me too
You’re a thousand miles away
And I still haven’t told you
Ranch dressing on everything you ate
A common occurrence of yours
That I do not miss
You’re a thousand miles away
And I still haven’t told you
You showed me the music you liked – “Hollywood Undead”
I still think they ****
You’re a thousand miles away
And I still haven’t told you
Your excessive piercings and stupid tattoos
Have changed mom and dad’s views on teenagers
Thanks for taking that stage in life from me
Just another thing you took
Remember when I told on you
And you were mad
I never told again
You’re a thousand miles away
And I still haven’t told you
Sometimes when I think about that tent
I can’t breathe
And my mind takes me back to that place again
You’re a thousand miles away
And I still haven’t told you
I’m not happy with the person I am today
I’m not happy at all
I’m not happy that I can’t seem to forget
That ******* tent
It’s your fault
I was only little
I didn’t know
You’re a thousand miles away
And I still haven’t told you
I didn’t realize what I wanted
I didn’t realize that what I wanted was missing
I didn’t realize that what I wanted was missing because you took it
You’re a thousand miles away
And I have to tell you
I want my innocence back
- {ksf}

Mommy, Mommy
I have a new friend
She likes the swings, like me
She’s so nice and pretty
She’s very shy, but she really liked my stickers
Mommy, Mommy
My new friend told me today
That she likes to paint
And that she wishes she was pretty
Mommy, why didn’t she believe me when I told her
I thought she was pretty and that I wanted to be just like her?
Mommy, Mommy
My friend said she’s sad
She told me that my stickers and the candy, I offered,
Wouldn’t make her sadness go away
I don’t understand, Mommy
I thought candy made everyone feel better
She said she didn’t need a doctor
She said it wasn’t like when your tummy hurts
Mommy, Mommy
While my friend was pushing me on the swings,
She told me that she wants to go away
To somewhere that she knows she’ll be happier
Mommy, can we take her to the zoo?
Would that make her sadness go away, Mommy?
Mommy, Mommy
I found out that my friend likes to paint on her arms
She told me that it’s not art
Mommy, she told me hurts herself on purpose
I asked her why she’d do such a mean thing to herself
And, Mommy, she told me that she does it to make the other pain away
Mommy, what else makes my friend hurt?
I don’t understand
She told me that she cries at night
She said that I had to keep it a secret,
But, Mommy, I know you won’t tell anyone her secret
Mommy, why do you look so sad?
Mommy, why is my friend sad?
Mommy, what can I do to make her better?
Mommy, why are you crying?
Mommy, do you want a hug?
Mommy, Mommy
My friend wasn’t at school today
I had no one to swing with or trade stickers with
I think my friend is sick
She was quiet yesterday,
But she told me that I was her best friend
Mommy, I have a best friend!
Mommy, Mommy
My best friend hasn’t been to school all week
I swing alone and it’s not as fun without her
Mommy, can we go see her?
Mommy, Mommy
You tell me my friend is gone
That she’s in the happy place that she always wanted to be
Mommy, why didn’t she tell me bye?
Why did she have to go?
Mommy, you say there’s a place I can go to see her
Mommy, I didn’t know
I would have to wear black
And bring flowers
Mommy, you said I would get to see her
Oh, Mommy, please don’t cry
Mommy, Mommy
I understand now
That my friend was sad
And that hugs and stickers and my candy wouldn’t make her better
Mommy, I don’t want her to be sad
Mommy, Mommy
Do you promise she’s happy now?
Do you think I’ll get to see her again?
Mommy, Mommy
I understand now
That zoos and candy won’t make me happy,
Not without my best friend
Mommy, Mommy
I miss my best friend
When will she come visit me?
Mommy, I’m sorry
I keep making you cry
Mommy, Mommy
My friend isn’t coming back, is she?
Mommy, I can’t stop crying
Why is she gone?
Was I a bad friend, Mommy?
Mommy, I understand why she wanted the pain go away, now
But, Mommy,
Why did she have to go too?
{-ksf}

I realize I’m young
I realize life is unfair
I realize I shouldn’t hurt myself
I realize my life will only have value
if I decide to be valuable
I realize some things are difficult
I realize I don’t have to be perfect
I realize not everyone is nice
I realize things will be forgotten
And that some things never will
I realize I don’t know everything
And I realize death is a promise and life is an option
But when will you realize
That in my dreams
I don’t wake up
You won't
You like it when I stay quiet
-{ksf}

I hope you fall in a storm drain
I hope you never find a favorite book
I hope you fall in love
I hope she doesn’t love you back
I hope that breaks your heart
I hope you never get it up
I hope you remember me,
But only when you can’t sleep at night
I hope my face haunts your every endeavor
I hope you trip over the sidewalk
And break your nose
I hope there’s permanent damage
And I hope you think of me
when you say,
“No, don’t tell. I’m sorry.”
over and over,
to someone else
as naive as I WAS
I hope when you think your luck is finally looking up,
you run into a brick wall
I hope you get a flat tire
at 3 in the morning,
without a phone,
and without a spare tire
I hope you remember these words that I’m writing
I hope you never learn to forgive yourself
And lastly,
I hope I see you, just once more,
so I know that my hopes,
and my nightmares,
and the bad karma, which I’m sure is to come,
was worth it
-{ksf}

A rainbow of all the shades of red
Flow out of her wrists
She’***** the right vein
Time to end her pain
Her face is pale
But that’s okay
She knows that this scared feeling
Will too prevail
She’s a coward and she’s sorry,
But she’s tired of the worry;
The constant reminder of what was done,
Snakes up her wrists and down her legs
It’s time to go
Her breathing now, is slow
She knows you’ll think this is wrong;
That she should have stayed;
She should have gotten help,
But this is right
She will not fight
When the darkness comes
And takes her life
She drops the knife
And closes her eyes
Please don’t cry
It’s time for her to die
She is not scared
Don’t think she’s lying
In this letter that she is writing,
There is no hiding
Know that she loves you
And that she’s sorry
This is her last letter
I know you’re sad now,
But you will eventually feel better
And when you look up at the sky,
Think of me and say
Goodbye
-{ksf}

You say you want to hear me say that I hate you,
Why can’t you be honest?
You want to hear me say that I forgive you
You’ll keep waiting
There are things I want to say,
But none of it will ever fix me
So what’s the point?
I’ll just be voicing things we both know
I just want you to look me in the eye
And immediately look away
Because that’s how pathetic,
we both know, that you are
that’s all I want from you
-{ksf}