You saved me.
You didn't need a mask to do so.
Yet when I see your eyes after a long day of crime
I see the pain you bear inside.
I will always kiss your pain away, baby.
And even though I'll never know the New York City skyline quite like you do,
I'll always stay nearby.
You don't need a web to keep me stuck on you.
Instead I'll try to keep your chin up until you finally can rest.
It might not be much, just know I'm doing my best.
I'm no hero myself, but I know I'm handling this the best I can,
and when you lay down beside me at the end of the night,
I'll kiss you.
I'll show you the tenderness you so desperately need, whether you admit it or not.
The scars on your body are the scars on my heart,
and I'll share your pain.
You are not doing this alone.
It is hard, but I am trying.
And I always will.
I'm not quite sure someone else could do this,
it's hard, I admit it.
But I'll always be here.
Partners in crime until the end of time.
What can I say?
Face it, tiger...
you just hit the jackpot.

Four years ago today you walked into my life.
Four years ago today, I had never known love.
Four years ago today, I had never known the fear of losing someone.
Four years ago today, I had never known the fear of staying with someone.
Four years ago today, I had never known the fear of being touched.
Four years ago today, I had never known you'd never let me say no.
Four years ago today, I had never known the nightmare of love.
Four years ago today, I was innocent.
Four years later, you showed me how to doubt.
Four years later and I still panic when asked about you.
Four years later, you're still haunting me.
Four years later and you still call my name.
Four years later and I'm still so scared.
Four years of this.
Four years.

For the fourth time this week,
I drove down J imagining you were in the seat next to me,
Telling me how much of a nerd I was for mouthing the words to the song playing.
Bayside had always been our favorite band,
This ride did not change that.
I mouthed that you were my rock so long as I was yours and you just smiled.
I awake from my reverie.
Fourteen hours later and you’ve hardly spoken to me today.
It’s normal, though, as you’re a busy guy.
This is what I’ve been telling myself for three years.
I apologize to the voices in my head for your behaviour.
“We’ve talked about this,”
I say,
“We’re not going to try anything because of the distance.”
I sigh to myself and erase the message I’ve typed out for you.
It’s the fifth time I’ve done it this hour,
Seeing as you never responded to the last.
Last time you said you loved me was three days ago.
I told you I love you two hours ago and you called me a nerd.
“Nerd.”
I take a deep breath at the thought of the word.
I try to replace it with something different.
“Love.”
“Beautiful.”
Beautiful.
You’ve called me beautiful, right?
I scroll through our messages, looking for a time where you might have.
I only find you telling me my smile “kills” you.
Those words still make me melt, and I hate it.
I hate myself for loving you like this.
I hate myself for hating myself for loving you,
As I convince myself again,
For the hundredth time,
That you do.
I’ve been begging for a sign that you do.
One aside from your words.
“Actions speak louder than words,”
I remind myself,
And think back to an action.
What have you done?
I can’t help but wonder if the songs you wrote about me,
Loving me,
And us,
Were sent to another.
The lack of specification in said songs makes me swallow hard.
I think back to the night you told me you broke down with your friend.
You told him everything,
How you’ve loved me for years,
How you’ve never been able to do something about it.
How you tell me you date so many girls but always think of me.
How I believe you.
I’m scared, now.
Every day that we’re apart,
I can’t help but worry and doubt.
Am I just some... toy?
I can’t help wonder to myself if I am,
And I scroll through our messages.
I’m torturing myself, really.
As I scroll I reflect on the amount;
Thousands of messages collected over the past three years.
Three years--
Why would you spend that much time ‘toying’ with someone?
My heart swells,
As do tears.
I erase the message I’ve typed out to you.
That's the sixth time this hour.
The cycle will repeat until I fall asleep,
One last unsent message sitting in my palm.
I stare at the screen, waiting for my eyes to close.
They don't.
"active now"
it reads under your name.
I stare at your display picture.
For the fourth time this week, I pretend you’re staring back.
And for the... what was it?
I’ve lost count.
I pretend you’re listening and I turn off the screen.*
“Goodnight, I love you. Sweet dreams.”

I dreamt that you said you're sorry.
You felt bad for being so indecisive,
you decided to be serious.
You flew in from Babylon.
The second you saw me,
you held me tight.
They say you never experience emotions
you've never felt in reality
in a dream,
but I'm trying to figure out when in my life
I felt so much love.
I'm trying to remember someone in my life
that I never wanted to let go of that badly.
I feel as though your arms around me
protected me from everything that ever could have happened.
There was an overflow of emotions as you kissed me,
and I swear on it,
I've never been kissed like that to know
who would have done it in reality.
The rest was a montage of us being in love.
The rest was all I've ever wanted.
But just as every dream ends,
I woke up.
I woke up smiling,
but I woke up alone.
I woke up emptier
than I've been in weeks.
I woke up without you
lying next to me.

The time is 2:38a.m.
I am staring at your picture,
and you are
perfect.
I wonder how you stumbled into my life,
how your warm cocoa eyes
were just enough to quench my sweet tooth.
The gentle waves in your hair,
permanently disheveled,
******* away without the wind that got them that way.
And this picture does not match your voice,
smooth,
my favorite drink.
The more I take in,
the lighter I feel,
drunk on love.
Drunk on you.
Growing up,
my mother was an alcoholic.
I always told myself I would never
fall victim to the bottle's grasp,
and it turns out I myself have a longing to get wasted--
so long as it means I'm wasting my time with you.
Each second with you feels like
every party I skipped out on.
Every moment with you feels like
I'm front row for my favorite band.
I will never forget your voice.
I will never forget the way you make me feel.
I will never forget your love,
I will never forget
you.

​
you don’t even see me
you hardly respond
when i whisper
hello
could be my soul mate
two kindred spirits
maybe we’re not
i guess we’ll never
know
my own mother you carried me in you
now you see nothing but what i wear
people asks you how am i doing
you smile and nod
don’t let it end there
put me underneath God’s sky and
know me
don’t just see me with your eyes
take away
this mask of flesh and bone and
see me
for my soul
alone.

I use the term I miss you as loosely as the string I tie around my index finger so that l don't forget to never use that phrase again.
Because I miss the person who came with Decembers wind chill not the person who left in June's volcanic ash.
Sometimes I wonder if you can feel the ache when you press ******* to where your pulse should be but then I remember that you're most definitely cold blooded.
And you can't feel unless you fake it.
And I most likely never really mattered like an animal in a cage.
But I could've sworn that you felt it. The pain before the punch hits.
And the pleasure of me screaming through the lies and the regret.
I know I'd listen to your answering machine a million times if your voice could make my ears clean again.
But I am not your scapegoat
Do you even remember?
I think you don't because you would've cared more
And you would've been there when I needed you but instead you're stuck upside down.
In a car that should've killed you.

​
its all just a facade
just a cover
just a mask
to hide behind
while the real me
the true me
hides, cowers back
avoiding reality
the real world
the cruel world
trying not to get hurt
i hide behind words
and bury my feelings
-

For now all that I know,
That if you don't find me,
In her eyes, lost I will be,
conversing silently.