Sometimes we’re softened by the love they try to give
Even if we can’t fully accept it and live
Even if we can’t learn our lesson and forgive
Even if we stay trapped by the pain and continue to relive
Like a movie
Who would choose me? If there were other options
Don’t love me out of duty
Find the beauty in my mess and hang on to that
Love the good parts and help me change the rest
Help me to express these thoughts
I’m always so depressed
I feel so possessed
& I just need some rest

You were so tough because you had to be
It was so rough but it didn’t have to be
But guilt won’t get me anywhere
You built me into who I am and who I wanted to be
Thank you for the strength that carried me through
Thank you for the ways you buried the pain to grow something new
You knew there’d be a better day
Knew there was a better way
To live without being alone
There’s so much you could’ve shown me but I’m grateful
That you knew my limitations
Knew what I could take and what would overtake me
You knew that some of the truth later revealed might break me
So I thank me
You’re a part but you’ll always be part of me
I’ll always be thankful that you carried me through
When all I knew was miles and miles and a worn pair of running shoes
You knew I was worth more
That there was something good in store but in the moment all I felt was sore

I feel weak
remembering days I would weep
for hours
sour moments, feeling hopeless, out of focus
Please give me a break
I can't take it anymore
Can't fake it anymore
Mistakes cloud my mind
I don't remember what it felt like before this
Now I'm lying on the floor
hurting to my core
Learning to ignore
all the pain
I'm trying to ignore
all the ways my brain
tries to hijack my joy
I can't buy back the years
lost to fear
regret won't take me anywhere
but backwards
I can't forget the ache and affliction
misery and sickness
of feeling out of control
of my mind
What role do the chemicals play?
What reason do I have to stay?
When the sun goes down and I can't find my way, can't bear another day
Where are you, God?
Despair drowns me
Heart pounds
Face frowns
The alarm sounds
and I reset
forget it all
and move on to a new day

This is my recovery
I’m not where I want to be
I can’t shake these memories
Of the person I used to be
The scars fade but
They’re the scars that made me
The scars that saved me
Now I’m a little closer to whole
Filling in the holes that I wore through this soul of mine
I’ve been run ragged carrying around all this baggage
It gets too heavy after a while and it’s time to stop and steady myself
Why don’t you just lay it down?
This road keeps going up ahead
There are more ways to move on and one day you will be found
No sense in stopping now
There’s life up ahead
Living one day at a time
I keep filing through the pain in my head
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace
One day this life will stop and the you you knew will cease to exist
There’ll be nothing left but what you did with all the pain
Take a breath
Take a step
Let someone know
Life will ebb and flow
But we’re better off with you
We’re better off because you kept going
This is my recovery
But it’s not just mine

I'm trapped
Food mapped out
No way out
Am I losing my mind?
How will I find a way out of this bind?
Out of this mess of a mind
No hope for the chains to be released
This is my way to cope with the pains, they never cease
I need a solution
Too much pollution clogging the pathways in this brain
I need a new way forward
A way to feel sane
But for now I'm trapped
no need to complain -- I did this to myself
no need to compalin -- it's time to get help and start helping myself

what kind of person fantasizes about being sicker than they already are?
man, it's time I realize life is worth it and I've made it this far
when I can't forget, can't forgive, and get stuck
tires spinning, thoughts running, strength thinning
out of control
what role does my faith play in feeling whole?
I wish I could erase this hole eating away inside
but then I might just feel more empty
I try to cut through the feelings by cutting through the skin that covers this lifeless body
the razor shreds my flesh instead of fleshing out all of the chaos inside this mess of a mind

She used to be alive
Not hanging on by a thread
Not worrying if she’d survive
She was living life instead
Then the lights went out
And the fears began to shout
And she sat in the dark with no desire to face another day
Out of place, out of grace
She retraced all the ways she had failed
Then she thought why waste another day?
There’s nothing left to say
Nothing left but today
Plans already underway
But there must be a reason to stay