when i hear love songs
i only think of you
memories of us are imprinted in every song i hear
i love you.
i miss you.
i need you.
please come back.
talk to me.
kiss me again.
im so sorry.
not in any specific order
i am sick of writing about you all the time.
my thoughts of you and the words that i write are intertwined,
and trying to unravel your ghost from my memories feels nearly impossible.
you are tattooed on my heart,
and with each thump a new line is generated-
the heartbreak you have left me in feels like a maze i cannot find my way out of
do you still find me as beautiful as you once did?
i know that in my eyes you have never lost your charm
but i am sick of writing about you all the time.
because i am sick of feeling like this.
feeling like the entirety of my existence is so fragile,
depending on you to make me feel as if it is actually worth something,
depending on you to continue to reciprocate the feelings i have shared with you
even though deep inside i know that you are tired too.
tired of the see-saw like motions of our relationship...
even though, in our ups we felt like the king & queen of the world,
in our downs you no longer saw the point;
no longer see the point in trying to mend something you claim to be eternally broken.
am i sick for still trying?
why do i still allow myself to break my own heart over you?
is it because i still see potential where you see debris?
our love went up in flames,
and i think that we both tried to save as much of ourselves as we could from the fire...
save so much of ourselves
that we forgot about each other.
i think i might add on to this later
burnt cigarettes and tear soaked lashes-
the only way i know how to feel close to you anymore
come here baby
the smile on your face
is enough to make my day,
but i get sad realizing that i am no longer the reason behind it
will you ever allow me to make you happy again?
i slept beside you once,
and every night since then
i have felt the absence of your body next to mine.
i can still feel what it was like falling asleep to the sound of your breathing,
my head rested just above your heart...
the beat swaying me to sleep.
waking up to your kiss on my forehead felt like a dream.
do you see why it was so hard for me to differentiate what was real and what was not?
the dreamlike trance of our relationship held me captive for months,
when i was awake, i would see you;
when i was asleep, i would see you.
do you see why it shattered me when everything turned into a nightmare?
now i am afraid to fall asleep,
but i don’t want to be awake either,
so what else is there for me to do?
the long hours of sleep i have skipped come back to haunt me during the day, and those are the worst
because during the day is when i run into you.
i see you, and i see my old dreams;
i see you, and i see reality
that you are not mine anymore.
that i will never get to sleep next to you anymore.
your heartbeat will be the lullaby another girl needs now,
and i will just be in an empty bed,
trying hard not to stay awake;
trying hard not to fall asleep.
i am angry because it feels like,
i am the only one who is still grieving over my losses.
i lost my first love,
and my best friend.
i was left with no one.
and while i was wallowing in the depth of my sadness,
you had turned glue out of your tears and started putting the pieces of yourself back together.
i am not angry because you are doing better now,
just angry because
i am not.
im angry because you have started to find yourself, but i am still stuck in between us and *me
will you teach me how to be okay?