i slept beside you once,
and every night since then
i have felt the absence of your body next to mine.
i can still feel what it was like falling asleep to the sound of your breathing,
my head rested just above your heart...
the beat swaying me to sleep.
waking up to your kiss on my forehead felt like a dream.
do you see why it was so hard for me to differentiate what was real and what was not?
the dreamlike trance of our relationship held me captive for months,
when i was awake, i would see you;
when i was asleep, i would see you.
do you see why it shattered me when everything turned into a nightmare?
now i am afraid to fall asleep,
but i don’t want to be awake either,
so what else is there for me to do?
the long hours of sleep i have skipped come back to haunt me during the day, and those are the worst
because during the day is when i run into you.
i see you, and i see my old dreams;
i see you, and i see reality
that you are not mine anymore.
that i will never get to sleep next to you anymore.
your heartbeat will be the lullaby another girl needs now,
and i will just be in an empty bed,
trying hard not to stay awake;
trying hard not to fall asleep.
(12.16.17)