I really dont know
How i feel at all, but i
Want to feel loved please.

.

“You’re the one that I lean on”

Emotions
Emotions
Emotions.

How do I expose my ulterior when I had shut down my interior.
My motives remain different but still plastered with the same smile I put out on my exterior.

But this.
Slightly different.
Wholly honest.
Well I would hope so.
After all this is a piece with the heat of the moment.

Black and white.
White paper, black ink.
Nothing more, hopefully nothing less of the truth.

Within, without your pain or mine.
I want you to have your specific happy ending.

If you do believe that happiness is non existent and your toxic fully carries you and makes you feel.
Nothing to do with being alive. It just makes you feel.

Then let your toxic consume till the day your soul tells you otherwise and pleads for you to settle.

Let what you want and dream of happen now.
I wish you nothing but all that you desire.

There’s never ever any negativity that I would wish for you.

But admittedly my pain will always be written and if you take it as a jab to your chest.
Truly do not.

I only express my truth to poetry.
Don’t let it make you think negative of yourself.
Allow it to show that I’m human, I hurt, I feel, I love and laugh.

Just find your own Happy ending.
I’m radiating positivity to you.

Imagine to my surprise when I say.
"You're my soul mate"
"You're my sole date"
"Yet we can't be because of fate"

Imagine to my dismay when he told me.
"She doesn't love right"
"She does't believe in it and so she fights all these emotions with all her might"

Imagine to my chest when,
It heaves
When each breath comes with a tug of pain.
And each beat with a realisation that we cannot be.

I cry.
I scream to the top of my lungs because I know what I want.
"Why doesn't she want me back?"
My soul keeps asking and my spirits keep shaking.
Nodding it's head no!
It doesn't make sense.
Why is the universe so over the fence about us?

Imagine to my soul the pain.
The emotional heart strain.
Truly can I not find and accept love in you?

You're my soul mate.
My one true fate.
So why can I not get closer?
Why must you be so far and so cold to me.

In this epiphany I see no us but I feel all of us.
It shouldn't be like this! If I don't get you at the end of the day.
If our souls cannot merge and become one.
Why must my soul convulse  and be torn from limb to limb.

Imagine my sheer disappointment
When knowing my one true cannot be my only true.

Panda this goes out to you.

I am accepting that the universe has linked us to be two of the same but not enough to be one.
It just affects me mentally knowing that what should be my other half is half of someone that I once was and cannot wholly be forever.

It affects me to notice how we synchronise yet we end up breaking apart.
The complexity behind what we had mistaken for simplicity.
Isn't there just a way for us to restart?

To meet in an alternation whereby our souls remain the same yet allow for the two of us to become one?
A universe that allows this to not end in such a dull dark way?

Can't I get a proper ending with you?
You're the soul mate that could be a star crossed lover.
Yet why haven't and why can I not fully experience us?

I believe in destiny.
Sure I may come off as anti love and non committal but give me the chance to back my statements up.

I’m anti loving someone when you as a human with a beautiful soul cannot see the lighter aspects of yourself.
I’m anti loving another person when you can’t find love in yourself.
It’s somewhat painful and distasteful to want to receive a perfectly beating heart and give back uncertainty because you can’t love yourself.

I’m non committal because I see it in you.
Doubt, fear on what you could find to be true.
You shadow these thoughts and let them take over you.
You let the past of other people define what you see of me and treat me lesser than them.
I’m non committal because your heart is in lust and your soul is charred and blown to dust.

I believe in destiny.
I believe that in a world exists two or more of our soulmates.
I believe each soulmate is for each specific moment and that a specific two are for a more permanent mark.

Your first soulmate shows and teaches you exactly what your soul has been crying and screaming for.
Your second fulfills that underlying pressure the world has put on you about love.
But your second may never come,
Your first may never leave.

But stay believing in love that is yours and you will be okay.

Im anti love and non committal because if you search for these qualities But can never find them in yourself than that toxicity.
That is inhaling the green and spreading it to the lungs of another.

Have you not seen the love that they are portray?
All in it’s broken and incomplete manner.
How can I be so trustful when love doesn’t reside within ourselves first?

You make me realize how empty I am.

At long last, I have felt purely and wholly indifferent to everyone.

My toxic has overwhelmed and left me.

I don't write love song or poems anymore.
I don't write how infatuated I am anymore.
I don't spew my heart anymore.

I am anti love, but in the sanest way possible.
I  have lost myself to love and I have found myself toxic for love.

I don't write about how you broke my heart.
I don't write about the gnawing pain.
The constant sting.
I don't.
I don't.

I write about how lost I feel.
How awake I seem but so congested I am.
Subliminally I have never felt so disappeared.
I have never felt so without soul.
There's a hole that has sunk the whole of me.

Who am I?
Where am I?

The girl, no the woman in the mirror, staring right back at who should be me. WHO IS THAT?

Out of sight,
Out of mind,
I am running out of time.

Normally all they expect from me is strength. They expect the bravest face with the brightest smile.
But 2019 has been throwing more than just hurdles my way.
2019 has been creating more than a disruption to me.

2019 started out with the biggest amount of hope, finally I was going to face most of my dreams and definitely at long last make sure that I complete them.

But when it came, I got a stab to the heart, losing the one person who I thought would get to see my empire rise.
And I understand that relationships end, I get that we need to let go of toxic behaviors but when she walked away. Everyone that held a special significant place in my heart walked out.

I became overwhelmed with pain to the extent that I became toxic.
I tried to run to someone who I thought would stay there but they just couldn't bear to watch me so fragile and bare, they walked out. Making sure that the remaining components of my heart turned to dust.

My environment grew dark, People started fighting for some form of job security and I took it in me to carry their pain while worrying for myself. I survived, they didn't so while relieve was evident in my face their pain was eating at my soul.

I had other hopes, It'll work out somehow.
But the deeper into the months we get the more drained I get.

I am not okay
2019 is taking a huge toll on me.