The great paradox:
Why do the people who we love the most hurt us the most ?

Consciously/Unconsciously she hurts me. Sometimes I think she hurts me in deliberation just to make me let go of her.
I will. Stop loving her. Maybe I won’t. But I will let go. I Eventually. I wish she didn’t deal with things the way she does? It’s just reminds of past scars and makes me more broken than I already am.
Why does she have to be so pretentious with me ? Why does she treat me like I’m so **** special today and treat me like a complete stranger the next couple of days ?
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to fall in love with you but I just did. Because that’s just me. I fall in love with people who I’m familiar with and who show me affection. You don’t have to crucify me for it. I’m sorry. I’ll get through this also just like every other calamity. Alone.

She hurts me.

I hope one day you/I find someone
who makes wildflowers and tulips grow
in the saddest parts of you/me.

He/she puts together temporarily,
the broken/disntegrated parts of my plasticine self
with band aids and masking tape.

By the time I’ve consumated
poetry about you,
all that is left on paper is
dappled/blotted
nonsensical words
with the afterglow
of my tears
fervently
held back.

Even though I’m used to
the self support and the solitariness and just being there
for my fond ones,
Every once in awhile I just wish there was
someone
who would hold tight my hand during the
frequently screaming tempest.
When I’ve reached my
breaking point/conjuncture
and convulse into tears.
Someone who would
encompass me momentarily,
whisper sweet serenades saying,
“Everything is going to be alright, I’ll sing you a lullaby.”

I told you from the beginning that you will leave me. I told you it would reach the point where you won’t be able to handle my brokeness and eventually you’ll let go.
But you said this time, it’ll be different, that you’ll stay no matter what and I would be the one who leaves you.
In the end, just like I predicted from the very beginning, you let go/you left.
A part of me thought you’d just be there/you’d stay.

Everybody leaves.

Welcome back old voiceless/sheepish friend.
I never thought I would have to summon you again.
But the time has come to make a new scar to remember this moment by, which should serve as a perrenial reminder
to my future self that the past is always real and this time around,
to learn from it.

Part I - She and Her and The Shadow of She/Her.

Her soul, blanketed with strings of bittersweet memories of love,
picks daisies and puts it into the pouch on her left sleeve.
The daisies wilt.
At the scent of her self pity.
She is in touch with the moon and connects every constellation with the tip of her index finger and feels she doesn’t belong to the place where she is right now.
She feels unenlightened yet aesthetic.

She has an inconspicuous connection with anything and everything that isn’t
loved/understood by everyone.
Or maybe she feels they all have
one thing in common.
They’re all,
Unlovable.

Part II - (Illusion of/False) Hope

The feeling is curable.
Maybe someone needs to reveal from the horizon during the
green flash before the
be dazzling sunset
someone who ‘just’ needs to make her feel special, not even ubiquitously. Someone who would reach out their hand when she’s drowning in negativity.
Maybe she’s better off alone.

All she’s ever done is live vicariously/bottled up her feelings and self loath her precious self.
People stomping on her broken heart held together with double stitches and incisions, walking all over her, using her, breaking her trust, treated like she has no feelings whatsoever.
People replacing her.
Her dreams thrown out the window, shattering the glass and her dreams. The shards stained with the blood of her unfulfilled dreams is a constant reminder that no one is going to support her.

People leaving her, with deep seated scars and etching memories in the depths of her heart. These people are not mere strangers crossing paths on the boardwalk, they are the people who mean/meant the whole universe to her.
There is no shoulder for her to cry/lean on and rest her weary head.
No arms to encompass her feeble frame.
No hand which will fill the gap in between, her fingers.
Desperate calls rattling back as desperate echoes.
She has everything and nothing.
She has everyone and no one.
She’s alone. She’s used to it.

But every once in a while,
she wishes
she had someone who would
make her feel loved and
she’s worth it.
special.

I feel nothing but empty,
On bended knees I plead" Flood me,
Everything you drained from being.“

Sometimes the person you fall for isn’t ready to catch you.

She/He notices you,
because you no longer obsess about her/him.

Maybe when you stop writing about her/him,
When every dead letter is no longer addressed to her/him.
When you stop hoping that she/he is the recipient of your bottled up feelings as a message in a bottle.

Or maybe,
You will not.
A part of them will always linger, she/he will be braided with your emphatic soul.
She/he will be the ember that slowly fades with the darkness, but still remains as remnant ashes.
Maybe you just learn to unlove her/him.
But deep down you know,
you will always love her/him.
She/he is,
Sempiternal.

Our imprints washed by sea,
You’re no longer my reason to breathe,
We were nothing/ but extraordinary.

Phosphorescent banners placed at sea,
Maybe it is for you to see,
Dredging efforts for your sentimentality.

Be kind.
Be grateful for what you have.
Be soft.
Be helpful because maybe you might be the only one who’d help that one person who deserves it but is afraid to ask.
Be down to earth. Stretch out your hand to everyone who needs to get out of the pit of their problems,
even if it leaves you weary and with scars and bruises.
Love unconditionally.
Do everything expecting nothing in return. Do it cause you love to do it. Stop wasting time with technology, spend it with people who matter and who love and care about you so much.
Even if you’re going through a lot, hold on, things will get better. Somebody will to be your shoulder. Maybe not at the moment. But somebody’s bound to come for you. Always hope.
Never lose hope.
Make your family proud.
Do what you have to do now.
Don’t let go of the people who mean the most to you. But know when to let go, if ever it gets to that point when you just know if you hold on, it’s only going to get toxic.
Do not be egoistic. People are more important than your ego.
Apologise.
Express gratitude.
Relationships are based on small things beside the other things.
Live in the now.
While envisioning your future.
Be passionate. Literally and figuratively.
Never give up on your dreams, no matter what others say.
If it matters to you, it matters.
Forgive.
They’re all human beings flawed, vulnerable, majastic capable of making mistakes just like you do.
Understand.
Don’t let the world change you, don’t be what the world expects you to be. Be want you want to be.
Don’t forget to love yourself.
Love.
Be selfless.
Be grateful everyday.

Today.
Today is one of those days i self introspect a lot more than usual.
Today is one of those days when every nook and corner of every unpleasant memory is revisitied.
Today is one of those days when my anxiety is on magic mushrooms, it causes me to question my life and if anyone ever likes me at all.
Today is one of those days if there was a hypothetical situation where I had to fight for my life to survive, I’d rather just give up.
Today is one of those days in the depths of my day dreams, I feel like stabbing myself in the heart over and over again, until I drown in a pool of blood.
Not literally though.

Let us waltz in reticence,

on this ardor lava bed

hand in hand

with our fingers interlaced;

Into the depths of your fervent heart,

I whisper

“This is not the end.”

What do you see* ?
When you shut your weary/gleamy eyes,
Do you see what I see ?
Do you see me ?
Do you see the person you used to be ?
Do you see the ghosts of all the people
who were a part of your insignificant life ?

What do you see ?
The light at the other end or
**Oblivion.

The moon inexorably needs the sun;
just like i perilously need you.
the remarkable, the not so magnificent,
the parts not everyone can see,
illiberally all of you.

Solis dies every night ,
just to let Luna live.

But my dear,
Our love is not like the ones written
in the depths of the fathomless universe.
The harrowing, unblemished and blackened truth
that silences and ***** the moonlight
out of my insignificant galaxy...
you don't love me the same.
I know I'm not extraordinary enough
to belong in the same canvas blue/black skies as you,
and be your moon.
It is not the end. For neither you or me.

I will move on to new cosmic horizons,
in search of a new sun.
A sun that will reflect the darkest parts of the moon,
and love it all the same.
And you, Solis
will find your momentous and exquisitely portentous  Luna.

But my friend,
You are ever my collosally beautiful and singular Sun.

You're irreplacable.

I just want you to unconditionally care,
To treat me as your profound priority and not as one of your undying options,
I don’t believe in hollow words and promises,
I believe in simple grand gestures.

I’m so used to being disappointed that I can’t help but believe
my slivered hopes are bound to never happen,
and I know them to be majestically futile.

There might be an infinte number of disparate stars and galaxies in this interminably cosmic universe,
but my sorrowful eyes will be transfixed on the most majestic star that outshines the twilight lit sky,
the pulchritudinous star that divines the derailed train of thoughts into constellations within my claustrophobic & restless mind.

the star....
that is you.

I still check intermittently
if there are any message from you,
but the unstably excruciating reality is that there's none and there won't be any in the distorted future; without you.

I perpetually hold on to an illusion of false hope.

You were conjuringly special to me,
i convinced my vehemently skeptical gut that,
you felt the same way about me.
quite unnaturally/naturally, i was dolorously mistaken.


Turned out, i was just another…
To You.

The crescent moon and jupiter
in tonight’s hauntingly beautiful, omniscient sky
gives me this fleeting feeling
of a temporary recluse of eternal bliss
from this scattered world that caterwauls from the inside out.

You touched my soul and imprinted on my tainted heart,
but I still wonder why you left, without even saying goodbye.

And it often makes me irrevocably disconsolate.

I felt less lonely/alone,
when I was with you.