I laid there wide awake
Listening to you breath
Such a stunningly familiar sound, every breath you take.
And the many months we've missed gave me cause to grieve.
My mind drifts out the window to mingle with the sounds of the city
Remembering the times we walked those streets and laughed,
because you were always so witty.
And the city sounds are tonight my life raft.
Keeping me afloat as the memories rush by.
And even though you are so close to me, wrapped around me like a shell.
There is such a gulf between us, caused by one small lie.
And my heart begins to swell.
It aches because you are not mine and yet here I am
Pretending to belong here
Your gentle snores hit me like a battering ram.
So I walk to the window to peer.
Perhaps the breathing of the city will give me more peace than you
Because its been two months since that night
But the city always gives me the attention due.
The love that is mine by every right.
But it cannot fill the hole you left.
Twice now.
Just by your sleeping breath.

For ten long years, we have clung to each other
rooted in each other's insecurities
two trees withstanding the storm of time.
But like most things that grow from the youthful soil it is time now to sail upon the wind.
To germinate my mind and grow strong in foreign earth.
My love for you remains but my new found branches must stretch toward brighter light.
Our rings will be much different from now on
But our time together forever marked within us when the love was plentiful.
You are now tall and strong
A giant in a tiny forest.
And all I hope for you is a lush and green canopy to rest under.
Mild winters for your heart
And a swift coming spring.
As for me I chose to be a seed.
I chose to absorb the nutrients of the world
And grow from within before I burst forth somewhere new and fertile.
The strength we've gained from each other is no doubt what keeps me going.
But now it is time to grow away, stretching my face towards the sun drinking in the light of a new day.

She comes in many different forms
Sometimes slowly and obviously
Sometimes quickly and shockingly
But we have been for thousand of years in awe of the way she preforms

She has filled the minds and mouths of poets for generations
She has brought great people to their knees
Made them beg, and bend
And from their twisted suffering did come mankind's most treasured creations

Poems and songs
Books, and stories
Paintings, and sculptures
A few rights and a thousand wrongs

Misery has left a mark
A scar that crosses ages
Connecting us in tragedy
Our little muse, and spark

This is my soul
It is timeless and never ending in any direction
This is my soul
It is beautiful and feminine
This is my soul
It is masculine and dangerous
This is my soul
It does not exist within definitions and prejudices
This is my soul
It is as expansive as the universe

To My Daughter,
I want you to know that I have loved you my whole life
I have felt you here inside of me for years
I have known I would be your mother before I knew I would be a wife
Knowing I would one day get to meet you has helped me conquer all my fears.

I want you to know I love your father
And I chose him for a very special cause
Because I knew he would love you, or else I wouldn't even bother
And I chose him because he knew he wanted you, he didn't even have to pause

I want to say I am sorry, for the planet that we have left you
For the damage we have done
For the ***** skies that were once bright blue
For the years of repairs that we have not even begun

I want to say I will be here
For the first heartbreak, and the many that come after
For the hopes that will disappear
For the tears that will hopefully be followed by laughter

I want to know you someday
But for now I have to make my life good enough for you
Because right now mommy is just a kid herself, not a mother in any way
But I am dancing right on through...
because I can't wait to meet you

I swallow hard
I can see it move down my throat
The slender curve of my neck scarred
The memory fights to stay afloat
It claws it's way back up and in.
It's scent tearing at my skin.
For a moment I hate her.
The girl standing before me,
I hate her for giving up,
I hate her for giving in
I hate her for not being stronger
For letting her weakness win.
But I can't keep breaking mirrors,
and hating reflections.  
No good can come from hating what others have done.
She fought, she screamed, and cried.
I f**king tried.
I can't be a slave to yesterday and my thickening pride.
I followed a dream over the horizon.
Swam in the dark side of the moon.
Felt pleasure, love, and freedom on the other side of that dune.
But I only hold the reins to myself
I cannot control them, or him.
It's just me, overflowing, and full to the brim.
Then she stands tall, her slender neck strong, a deep breath drawn.
And strength brings color back to her cheeks.
The hatred, and memories gone, placed firmly in the past.
And I recognize myself again at last.

Utterly petrified,
toes dangling precipitously over the bluff.
Transfixed on the swirling pain below mighty in its ancient tide.
Entranced by the dazzling facets twinkling from my diamond in the rough.
But I can still feel the salt trails from the last time I cried.
I can feel them linger tender on my breast.
And I look at you with with such cosmic wonder, truly starry eyed.
I want to be your home not the ever present guest.

How I wish I could trust you.
Give myself to you with strength and poise.
I wish I could find a loving pattern in the things you do.
Desperately I try and find my level voice clandestine in the noise.
Hiding the fear in spaces you have yet to see through.

I yearn for you with something deeper even than lust.
I wish you could see the beautiful despair you instill.
Every inch of me begs to keep you here  between every ******.
Then your departure wakes me from my transcendent stupor, sharp and shrill.
Maybe one day you will walk my inner sanctum, with enough time and a little more trust.

You used to be a safe haven
A place to nestle against your warmth and love.
Before you turned craven,
And rejected everything I offered with a brusque shove.

You are now my unsafe haven
Every word you speak you twist and tangle
Your meaning like the feathers of a raven
And the sweet memories are now seen from a different angle

Look what you have lost my darling!
My love, my trust, my admiration.
Every time we speak my inner animal is snarling.
Gnashing at the veneer draped thinly over your oration.

The instinct to fight, and the instinct to surrender to your lies collide
One animal baring teeth and readying for our witty battle
The other slinking toward you, her will to hurt you died.
But behind every sweet word I hear the deceit rattle.

You play the game like no one I have ever known
A true master, an ace at pleasures of the now
But I no longer wish to play, all the cards I have I've shown
So keep your prize, I no longer want your broken vow.

You are full of danger and desire
Of pain and hate and lies
I truly don't think you want to be a liar
But in the end it is always me who tries.

Missing most the tender moments The moments your hand slides to my knee and squeezes just enough to let me know that even when your eyes are focused on the future on the road we are traveling down together you are glad I am by your side.
My mind is locked in the moments where our souls spark and bounce between our eyes. Just the slow moments where time moves like molasses and we can swim in the static created by the meeting of lips.
The golden light between our bodies splashes across home walls as we move apart before slamming home together.  
Safe in the cave of sheets, the sound muffled by the secret moments we create.
Laughter ripples from the top of my body to the bottom stopping to vibrate as if you pour happiness straight into me. Cleaning our hands by rubbing them together under the never-ending spout of love we have built here in the ancient remains of all the others who have done the same.

Never before have I felt this way
Never before have I been afraid of what I have to say
Unstable and easy to sway
I was always the huntress now I'm the prey
Falling asleep to tears at the end of the day

I have never felt unwanted
Used to flying now I'm stunted
Always accepted and now shunted
Only temporarily hunted
Then tossed aside and bunted

Swallowed by the fear
Feeling alone without you near
It's a sour wine the final tear
Standing at the end of the line holding up the rear
Watching her win with her evil leer

Struggling to get to the top
So full of goodness and ready to pop
You have no idea what you let drop

My hand grazed the cool stone.
The past singing its ancient tone.
And I didn't hear the lesson that is was trying to teach.
I skipped the message that was trying hard to reach.
But I hear it now strong and true,
Walls are strength, and security for you.
Now I realize the ruins are my own.
The last remnants of my former goddess, the one that was made of stone.
I was safe behind that wall of power grace and wiles.
But I tore it down until my hands bled because I adore your smiles.
So I stand shaking from the last canon blow
The one that tore right through and brought me low.
I hold my tattered half beating heart to you,
And even though it's beaten it's still true.
It's yours if you still want it you've worked hard to get it.
Made it to the center of my fortress, attacking from within, now I'm trying to regain some of my old grit.
i used to be tough, sturdy as these ancient stones fueled by the empowered fire I had lit.
But I became comfortable in the open, happy even while exposed.
I learned to be safe in the vulnerability because I knew you stood close to catch me.
Now I cling to the bricks that may be used to build once more,
a wall of tattered bones, I build even while my soul remains torn.
In one hand everything you've asked of me my heart me soul my time, in the other the rememnants of the strength that used to be.
I can't give up on us, I cherish it too much.
If not guarded I am loyal and true and still remain such.
But what is a queen without her walls?
Without her Castle where does she land when the floor falls?
I suppose she waits in the rubble for her king, her destroyer, her dearest ally, her fatal enemy.

“We need to talk”, has there ever been a more stereotypical sentence spoken? Has any combination ever provoked more fear, more tears and self-loathing than those four words? The sadness comes like the inevitable period, ending the thought irrevocably and with such crushing finality it takes your lungs off guard. And yet when he spoke them, holding me close against him, with his heartbeat in one ear and the death of dreams in another, I felt myself drift, no, fly into a place of serenity. Acceptance came instantly, as we had tred this floor before. I knew every word that followed before they left the lips I had come to know so well, crave for, thirst for. I smiled, and let out a small sad laugh, there was nothing else to say. He told me he didn’t love me, or that maybe he did…but not in the way that he should. And as he spoke I realized I felt the same. In the silence was the question, “Is it possible for us to love one another, in the way we need to, could we do it if we stuck it out, if we tried?” And while the answer still remains a mystery I could not allow myself to beg again, I didn’t want to fight or plead or cry. I just wanted to sleep. All of the energy drained from me, like someone had cut the line. I touched his sweet face and felt the same electricity as always. I sadly acknowledged there was something there, of course there was something, but why would I want someone who doesn’t want me? I asked a few questions, things I felt needed answers at the time, but mostly I assured him I really was okay, and perhaps most importantly I thanked him for the beautiful four months together. It sounded silly as it came out of my mouth, was that all it was, Four measly months? But I know it was more, maybe not in the physical sense of time, but on the clock that the heavens built for lovers. Where time goes so fast as to take your breath away, and sometimes so slow we think our hearts have stopped. I felt his lips bless my forehead one last time, felt him transfer his adoration to me one last time, and I took a deep breath and turned away. What else was there to say? We had both decided we weren’t fighting. It wasn’t that we weren’t worth fighting for, it’s just our feelings were indescribable. Somewhere the paint in our picture had stopped blending, not that the colors weren’t pleasant, but would they keep the viewer standing there? Entranced by the beauty and symmetry of it? And yet again a black hole stood before us. I don’t know what will become of us, I don’t know if we will maintain a friendship that we built between the lines of lovers, and I don’t know if I will ever feel safe in his arms again, in fact i don't know if I will ever find myself wrapped and warm there again. What I do know is I am okay on my own, even when the silence hurts. I stand once again in a showdown with my heart. Wanting to console and comfort her, but hating her for once again leading us astray. Because all I want is to love, and be loved. I find that need to be evolutionary and prudent. And I will fight for the preservation of that instinct.