Empty stares and glazed eyes,
dragging my feet walking to the tub.
Stripping down to my bare self,
helplessness washes over me.
I don't want to see what I've done to me,
the scars, fresh marks,
the guilt, shame, pain,
these wash over as I dip into
my memories.

Christmas isn’t about being happy.
Christmas is being grateful for the people who’ve stuck around for the ride…




Even if they get off at the next stop.

Outside I’m a bright,
golden ray of happiness,
living a life sweeter than a sʻmore.
Cheerful family of four,
laughter roaring through the house,
life filled with dreams coming true.

Yet I can hardly bear to face another day.
My only desire is nothing,
complete silence.

I wouldn’t have to pretend to feel loved,
I wouldn’t have to pretend to be happy,
I wouldn’t have to pretend to have hope,
I wouldn’t have to pretend anymore.

I wouldn’t have to feel cold, wet
tears dripping down my face
in the middle of the night,
As I gasp for air,
In my sinking pit of despair.

Complete silence is what I ask.
Void of sound,
Drifting through the starlit skies,
Finally being able to go home
To Father.

Why do I stay?
Why do I live?
Why don’t I give up?
Why don’t I die?

Reasons to stay outweigh
Reasons to go,
But one day that’s not going
To be enough.

The stench of lies,
Of smoke,
Rushes to my head.
Silver becomes red.

Attempts to feel,
Something, anything.
Futile in the end.

Only way for happiness is
A bottle of complete silence
Which comes with
the price of one’s life.

I hate what I see,
looking at my reflection,
staring back at me

I hate what I saw,
the numbers on the scale,
it destroys my
mental state of being

Why do I hate me?

Hollow feeling creeping into my chest,
wanting to cut out all the parts of me
I hate to see,
coming off of an amazing high
only to be ripped apart by my mind.
It's getting bad again but this time,
no more getting help.

Getting shoved into lockers
“We were just messing around”

Pushed off the playground
“I was just playing”

Crumpled paper waiting
In my backpack,
Everyone would be better with
You gone.
“It was just a joke”

Freak, Stupid,
Loser.
“It’s just a name”

It’s just some kids being kids.

Just until someone cuts,
“You’re not going to be pretty anymore”

Just until someone ties
a rope around their neck,
“Why would you do that?”

Just until you're at their funeral,
No one knowing why they died.

It’s one big just when
Nobody cares until it’s too late.

She was his stars
                                                                                            He was her moon
                                      Both lighting up the night.
He wished but never had hope
                                                             She had faith but lacked conviction
                              Neither one had been fully sincere.
He withdrew from the light
                                                                                    She was lost in the fog
                        The moon and stars gradually evanesced
                                 Until only darkness remained.

Breathe in
Breathe out
You're gonna be okay,
or not.

1800, 1200, 500,
nothing.

When will I look myself in the mirror
and say, "you are beautiful"

When will I see me
and not cringe in disgust.

When will I feel good
in my own skin?

When will this end?

Being content and happy is the rule
Break it once, become a fool
Break it twice, now you're on your way to school
With a bottle of dreams and a sonnet full of goodbyes,
I wish you well my friend,
Your goodbye was with a silent choice
and the beautiful lies you sang with your voice.
Goodbye my friend
It was my victory in the end,
I followed the rule, but became a fool,
So I took some dreams to school
With my sonnet of rainbows and smiles,
I finally got my wings.
Goodbye my friend,
This is the end.

The canvas comes with roses,
beautiful, bright,
crimson roses,
shining in
moonlight.
An artist with a sharp brush,
a canvas pale as snow.
They drew
and drew
and drew.
Stroke after stroke
roses grew.
A once empty canvas
now full of
roses with white stems.
Tens turn into hundreds
as roses quickly grew.
Painting done,
the artist looks at their work,
Roses wilting
as fast as they came.
The artist cleaned up their canvas
to be ready for another day.

Graces everyone with her presence,
lights up the world with her smile,

Where does the light come from?
Where does the darkness hide?

Look into her eyes
you'll find where the truth lies.

A shattered heart,
a numb soul.

Darkness lies within,
breaking her apart

Like a candle,
light is what the world will get

While she slowly melts
into her shadow.

Some days the sun doesn’t shine as bright.
Some days the clouds cover the sky.
Some days I want to give up.
Some days I want to sink into the ground and watch life pass by.

But…
the sun still shines no matter how dark the night was,
the clouds part and the heavens will be seen.

Yes, I want to stop but there is a purpose to be found in the suffering.
So I will rise to face another day because a better tomorrow awaits.