Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Feb 2023 · 125
Survive
PenNameBree-Z Feb 2023
It was different, but not better.
It wasn't that I thought I never deserved happiness anymore
It wasn't that I thought I no longer deserved happiness now
It was more like I wondered if I was just too broken presently
To even comprehend what real happiness could look like...
Like going so long without food, The body rejects it.
Or like when an animal is wounded and feral
And more at risk of hurting someone who reaches out:
Even if that someone only want to save it.
Like no matter how gentle or slow.
I could only see the risk in being present in the situation.
I didn't fully trust anyone's intentions.
I sometimes wasn't even sure I trusted myself.
Some days I would be fine.
Brave even.
Almost alive, even...
Some days my world felt loud and dangerous.
Like every step risked the floor collapsing.
And other days l would slink back down...
I would give up trying to understand which feeling was correct
Because it's exhausting to constantly ask.
So I revert to recoiling.
Or let myself go numb...
No, I wasn't so brave.
And I wasn't healed.
Or better.
I'm just more aware of the existing damage.
And there is so little room to imagine happiness
When your mind is constantly reminding you how to survive.
Oct 2022 · 560
The war between realities
PenNameBree-Z Oct 2022
The war between realities
Rages within my mind;
There's the one where I share my intent
Or silently suffer and accept defeat
The one where I never know your side
Or I'm disappointed by your truth
There's the one where we join forces
Or we stay on outskirts and call a truce

On the brink of change,
At the risk of losing everything we gained
A choice to choose a renewed reality...
In an infinite tangle of possibilities
With no information or strategy...
And yet I find every reason
To stumble through a moment of chance,
Take your hand,
And pray it leads us to victory
This is a piece about friendship on the brink of becoming more. The turmoil of deciding the best plan, and weighing the possibilities and outcomes of telling the person you have feelings for what you feel and risking the friendship. RD
Sep 2022 · 3.3k
Post Posting
PenNameBree-Z Sep 2022
It was a moment of painful despair
Typing between tears and gasping for air
Convinced there was no one left who cared

This was my final, desperate plea
The call for help, so hard to see
My broken heart rejecting life in me

Deleted moments after my posting
I felt the world - "worth ghosting"
And very little expected opposing

What was the point anyway?

But then, your words reached out to mine
Chased away the screaming in my mind
Cradled my shattered soul in kind

And over the course of weeks, befriend
Refound purpose; continued me to mend
A feeling of trust that cannot bend.

Saved from a monster from deep within
My will to live, once so paper thin
Gratitude for you, where could I ever begin?
RD on reaching out when my life felt like it meant very little anymore.
PenNameBree-Z Jun 2022
Being told by friends you havent seen in a while that you "look good"  or "look better" right as you are coming out of a long bout of depression just hits your heart different.

Because you as time passes think you're feeling okay, you think you are making progress, you think time is passing normally for you again... but it's hard to remember what is or was normal when you grew so used to feeling the way you did. Like coming out of an endless fog...

So to have someone accknowledge they can visibly see your progress... to have someone verbally commend you for... basically choosing to exist as yourself again... those comments just hit different.

There's a sad realization that you really weren't okay and it was noticeable... but there's also this weird sense of pride as you wait for the weight of it all to drag you down again - But it's different now.

There is not a consuming heavy darkness, but a manageable awareness of a shadowy part of yourself that you no longer feel tied to. A part of you that aches less with painful thoughts and bitter disappointment, and more for the light of understanding and rebirth.

And you realize; I did that. I taught myself how to stay aware... to heal... and not allow that dark to take hold again-  

And it is
actually
slowly
paying off.

Yes...
I think I am feeling better.
I am weary, sure-
but I'm okay.
I'm getting there.
Ramblings about the moment when your friends verbally accknowledge your improvements after months of being depressed.
May 2022 · 2.3k
Goodbye
PenNameBree-Z May 2022
"Goodbye, my love" She whispered. But she knew from experience - from the countless goodbyes she had murmured before today - that forming words of farewell was never harder than the anguish of learning to let go.
The breakup with ZLB
Dec 2021 · 139
Hope
PenNameBree-Z Dec 2021
It is the first little step forward
When you wanted to lie down.
The oasis in the dense desert-
A vivid, uncertain reality.
The hunger that asks for more
When you have nothing left to give.
Its the white lie you tell yourself
When you can't accept the dark.
Hope is the dream that wakes you.
#hope #goals #movingforward #life #struggles #hopelessness #worthless #depression
Sep 2021 · 1.4k
4 Walls
PenNameBree-Z Sep 2021
You know, I never actually got away?
I left those 4 walls long ago
But the friends I made while I was alone..?
Still keep me company inside my head

They remind me every day
That Im not capable of  making good choices.
That it's safer to be alone, behind walls.
That crying is not just weak, but dangerous.

Because when people come inside,
They will hate you.
They will hurt you.
And worst of all,
They will never. Even try. To understand you.

You probably aren't worth the time.
Or even the space you inhabit.
You are possibly a vile and useless creature
Born to be wrong, and always sorry.

So don't be late
Don't defend yourself.
Don't cry - and if you do:
Don't ever let them hear you.
Don't say one ******* word,
Of one ******* thought,
Out loud. Ever.

Those are the rules.
And if you ever find yourself struggling
To follow those rules:
Stop breathing until it gets easier.

Its been years now, but...
I never actually left that room....
Those 4 walls came with me,
And I carry them inside every day.

On good days they keep me safe.
And on bad days they close in so tightly,
That it gets dark, and hard to breathe.
But on any given day?
I just feel... So **** heavy...

©pennamebreez
I wasn't allowed out of my room often as a child. Most of the time leaving my room was scary. Sometimes being in my room was scary.
Sep 2021 · 949
Gum
PenNameBree-Z Sep 2021
Gum
You made me feel stuck
You made me feel gross
You made me feel unwanted
You made me feel like an inconvenience
You made me feel ugly
You made me feel like a waste
You made me feel discarded
You made me feel like a mistake
You made feel powerless
You made me feel worthless
You made me feel inhuman
You made me feel like a ruined day

A ruined day that lasts forever...
And there is no running from it
There is no hiding from it
There's just me, unmoving
Unable to be whatever you wanted
When I never really had a chance

You made me feel like gum
On the bottom of your shoe

I did not deserve to feel that way

©pennamebreez
The feelings caused by my stepmother, who was rarely kind, often cold, and never loved me.
Feb 2019 · 322
You're being stupid.
PenNameBree-Z Feb 2019
You aren't the first to tell me that...
So I'm trying to forgive and forget.
But it's hard.
It's hard when someone you love
Tells you that your feelings aren't reasonable.
Like I don't already know that...
Feelings aren't always about logic and fact.
Sometimes people just feel things.
Sometimes for stupid reasons.
You don't have to understand why.
I just thought you cared enough
To want to make me feel better.
Instead you let me return to my head
And torture myself for hours.
You left me there when I just needed
To be held for a moment.
I just needed to hear
That everything was okay.
I just needed to know
That you still loved me,
And that you didn't want me to be uncomfortable.
I know all that should be a given.
Sometimes a gentle reminder just helps...
And keeps me out of the dark.
I'm trying my best to not be
The anxious, self conscious mess
That I always am.
I want to turn it off...
But I don't always win that fight,
And I'm really sorry...
And I already hate myself enough
Every time I do fail.
I'm trying.
Please don't give up on me too...
Feb 2019 · 284
The Darkest Place
PenNameBree-Z Feb 2019
I feel things so deeply
Sometimes it's like I'm screaming
But in some strange language
That no one else knows.

I have nothing more to offer
But who I am.
And daily I am reminded
That it will never be enough.

I get more lonely every day.
Everyone around me gets quieter
And the voices in my head
are only growing louder

Reminding me that I will lose everyone.
That I have never been enough
And will always be too much.
That I am... ultimately, unlovable.

No one can hear me anymore.
As I sink beneath the sea of tears
And the darkness feels so
welcoming...

The more time that passes...
The more life I seem to waste...
The more it hurts...
The less I want to live.

I wish I was braver.
I wish my path had shapped me
And made me stronger.
Instead it's left me lost, alone, and broken.

And I just don't want to feel things anymore
Aug 2017 · 224
I see you
PenNameBree-Z Aug 2017
“I'm sorry you feel like people don't see you"
I whispered, while fading fast.
You were so close tonight,
And I fought to string together
The words I thought you needed.

I wanted to say that I see you.
I see your struggles, and the efforts you make.
I see your desire to belong, to be seen.
To be challenged, and needed and appreciated
For everything you do and still have to offer.
And I also see what you do to yourself
When your ideas don’t always fit
into the world you’re living in right now.
I know those frustrations.  

I personally believe you were destined for greater things.
Bigger things than you have imagined.
I believe you are capable of conquering
Anything your heart hungers for.
I believe you can make it better, and stronger.
You are not some cold hearted monster.
You don’t lack emotions, or passion.
You are not a failure or a disappointment.
You are not a waste of time or energy or space.
You are so much the opposite, my love.

Yes, you are often misunderstood, unheard…
Or shut out, and vastly underappreciated.
But you should know that from my perspective…
You are a truly rare and interesting being.
Your smile is magic, and your words are truth.
And I crave more of your mind every day.
You are probably the most fascinating creature
To ever have stormed into my world.

And I'm so incredibly sorry.
Because I truly see how wrong everyone else is
And my heart hurts with yours...

You held me closer and answered:
"It's okay"
And I did not accept that answer.
My heart reached for yours as I finally slept
Thoughts echoing again and again

“I see you…
      I see you…
           I see you…”

I see everything you are
And as long as you allow me by your side
I will use all of who I am
Proving that you are worth everything to me.
To ZLB
Aug 2017 · 342
Unaware
PenNameBree-Z Aug 2017
He does not hear the way my heart
Stalls and stops at the sound of his voice.
Nor capture the moment it implodes
Within the confines of his perfect words .

He cannot grasp that my thoughts scatter
When he looks to read them from my mind.
Nor comprehend that I enjoy the very taste of his name
As my tongue moves to shape it.

He does not see the world around me still
At the sight of his smile.
Nor feel the calm in the air
As I gaze into the depths of eyes.

He cannot fathom the ache inside my heart
As I dream of his presence.
Nor understand the complexity
Of my certain devotion.

He does not know my blood boils
At the thought of his skin on mine.
Nor that I dearly desire his lips
Upon my burning flesh.

He is unaware that he has quickly become...
My dream, my delight, and my desire.
Nor is he even aware
             that he is unaware
                         and may always be.
ZLB
Aug 2017 · 507
Clinky
PenNameBree-Z Aug 2017
The first time
You strapped that blue leather
Around my neck
And held me against your chest

My mind was torn open-
The world I knew disappeared-
And there was only you
To surrender to.

As you guided me
And I followed
Walking without hesitation
And feeling without fear...

I knew even days after
I would still be able to hear
The high metalic sound
Of that cold, clinking steal.

And any perception of being
I once thought that I had
Was shattered forever
In those moments.

The world without that clinky strap
Of beautiful blue leather
would never look the same-
Would never again be enough.
To ZLB
PenNameBree-Z Aug 2017
Your gaze seemingly cut through my conscious
Pierced my soul.
rummaging around in my thoughts- searching.
For what, I  really didn’t care to know.

I often recoiled, denying the intrusion.
Dropping my eyes.
But I was never completely able to ignore the rush.
I could never stop replaying those moments in my head.
The conversation itself probably lost, yes.

But that look….
That immense intensity….
It ignited something inside me that was…
Inextinguishable.

You could actually see me.
Inside of me.
Vulnerable. Exposed.
Naked.

You strode in at your own will,
Unannounced, and uninvited.
You were confident and forward with your thoughts.
And exactly the opposite of me.
Projecting, Intimidating.
Too much.

And I stood there, Somewhere between:
Wonder and terror.
Curiosity and denial.
Excitement and dismissal.
What on earth could you want with me?

Anyway...

Time would pass,
And I would convince myself that
I just lost my mind in the clouds again.
It was physical attraction.
Or, that you were that way to everyone-
This intense, beautiful person,
Leaving marks in the mind.

Someone that
That could look intently into your head-
Pull out your soul-
Because he can-
And he wants to-
Just to examine the contents for a moment.

And even once he’s put it back,
Possibly better than before,
You still can’t breathe.
Or think.
Or remember why you were once so afraid.
To ZLB
Jul 2016 · 483
I've Gone Mad Again
PenNameBree-Z Jul 2016
I can be patient.
But of the rest, I'm not certain.
Yeah yeah, go on ahead.
I'm so stilled as I watch you.
I am freed, and I am brighter-
No...I never stopped burning.

You are there...
but not here-
As usual- and...
that may never change.

But.

This is better than dying.
I can live with this. For now- say it twice-
And again. Breathe. And again.
It lives... it Breathes... it Feeds...

It lives.
This is better than dying.
This HAS to be better... than dying...


Stuck yes.
But im not lost anymore.
I'm just afraid of taking a direction
That leads further down
The deep and darkest rabbit hole.
To SGB
Jul 2014 · 3.8k
Heartache
PenNameBree-Z Jul 2014
My heart ached

For a voice I couldn't unhear.
For a touch as familiar as the suns light.
For eyes that could only see my soul.
For promises I could never hold him to.
For answers to questions I couldn't ask.
And for comfort I didn't deserve.

But most of all my heart ached to just not ache
For one day
For one hour
For one minute
Without him.

And the problem was that
While I was always without him
My heart ached

And ached

And ached

And ached

And has never ceased it's aching.
SGB
May 2014 · 2.7k
Eternal Desire
PenNameBree-Z May 2014
Frustrated; my mind unreeling
How my soul craves the feeling

My very blood rushes, coursing.
Flesh burning, crawling, scorching.

To be desired, felt, and held
Fingers whispering all words withheld  

All before believed fictitious
Reality found between these kisses

The sweet peace of after thought
My breath gone; all of it you sought

My eyes only into yours, do stare
Even in my dreams, eternally, I swear
SGB

Long distance relationship
Sep 2013 · 406
Steady
PenNameBree-Z Sep 2013
Like knives chilled
And dragged
Along my cheek..
The first tears fell.

And silently I wondered
If they would stop
At anytime before
My aching heart.
Jul 2013 · 333
Remember the first...
PenNameBree-Z Jul 2013
Always remember the firsts.
Because no matter how wrong things turn out,
Those "firsts" help remind you that;
You aren’t crazy.
You aren’t weak.
You aren’t stupid.
You are a human being capable of feeling.
And everything about that is completely right.
To CM
Jul 2013 · 666
Chocolate Martinis
PenNameBree-Z Jul 2013
Maybe the deterioration of my mind
Is worth the temporary freedom
From the walls I've built
Around my thoughts.
A loosened tongue
And no fear of tomorrow.
I wish I could live every day
Like I've been drinking all night.
May 2013 · 314
Perfect Moment
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
A moment.
And then;
You said you loved me,
And smiled.

There was so much
I should have said
Right then
But couldn't.

My only thoughts
Were you,
And the word
"Perfect"
May 2013 · 341
The 12th
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
And then you gave me an answer
To my unspoken question.
I would remember
April 12, 2013
As the day
Of our
End.
May 2013 · 483
Number 52
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
It's hard for me to say
But there's not really
Another way to pen it...
I nearly died today

I nearly became number 52
And counting.
And I wasn't afraid for me,
I was afraid for you.

I feared ceasing to exist
For the first time in my life.
Because I was not to be forgotten
But irrevocably missed.
May 2013 · 567
"Art"
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
Do you condemn me for my thoughts?
Hate me for my honesty?
Cast me out,
Tear me down,
For your idea of sanity?

Do my words frighten you?
Curse you to contemplate?
Bring your blood,
To a burning,
Bubbling broil?

Do my riddles evade you?
Ceasingly seamless?
The madness
Full of alliteration,
And complex metaphors?


Keep lying to yourself, with your heavy heart,
As I bleed words to this page and entitle it “Art”.
This is not about pain felt for what I went through.
It’s about who I am;
I am certainly not you.

So continue to read,
As I reveal how far you have fallen.
Don’t believe me?
Then how’d you end up on the bottom?
Edited final draft.
May 2013 · 487
Dark Gaze
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
My hands dare to bleed
What my heart will not seal.
Doomed to think
What I should not reveal.

Those eyes of darkness
That I didn't fall, but leapt into
Yet still forbidden
To profess to you.

Tis hopeless nevertheless
What I may think
You are whole, I am broken
And I shall never see your eyes blink.
May 2013 · 475
Dogs
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
My eyes stare at nothing

As the dogs bark outside

And now I’m up

Not because of the noise,

But because of recent memories

I have of you. 

You have said the dogs outside your place,

Wake you every morning.

And now I’m smiling

In a funny sort of way

Remembering that little conversation.

And I start to think;

How odd that the same noise

Should cause us both to wake.

Even though we’re so far apart…

And how lovely that something 
so strange as a distant noise

Could make me smile like I am now…

And how funny that,

Now I’m up-
-
And I cannot blame the dogs…

because…

I thought of you.
May 2013 · 462
Drift
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
She was taking a walk along the shore as she invited him to join her in the sea. 
She played in the calm wake splashing and running and giggling like a child, happy as could be.
Teasing and toying; Fingers twisting, and tangling; Their faces far, than near,
But it was when she ventured in deeper waters, that he began to fear.
Her smile shone, brighter than ever before as she swam out into the water,
And even though he feared for her, he couldn’t seem to warn her.
She swam deeper, with the idea he was close behind,
And as she turned around, she was hurt by the distant find.
She called his name, and started back, tears forming in her eyes,
And just as she reached for him, the tide began to rise.
Her toes were swept out of the sand, and the ocean dragged her back.
She was dragged under, over and sideways, until she lost track
Of up and down, life and death, dreams, and what was real.
And as she surfaced, she wasn’t sure what she meant to feel.
A look back at his eyes, which she realized would never blink,
And then she cried his name once more, and allowed her heart to sink.
With the rest of her strength, she left something of herself to be found.
Then with her heavy heart, she fell, and drowned.
Years later a man would walk alone, along the shore.
Looking for the women, he once did ignore.
He would come to this place, and find a photo of himself, and more.
A message in a bottle; a message from her.
Though he wanted to understand, he was never for sure:





“I wanted to share the secrets of the sea,
But you didn’t move, and let go of me.
.  .  .
We began to drift, and your eyes didn’t blink,
Your gaze froze my heart, and caused it to sink.
.  .  .
I’m better down here, deep away from the shore,
Where I can’t hope for your presence anymore.”
May 2013 · 523
Garden of Lost Souls
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
She takes his hand and leads him
Beyond the breaking walls
He smiles and follows eagerly
A pair of wandering souls
Behind the dark and falling walls
Through the vines, tangled and thorned
Past the great seas of emptiness
And the demons evil and horned
They sigh and tell their stories 
Each one doth further bind
Laughing together like children
And leaving their masks behind
May 2013 · 2.8k
Haircut
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
I remember when I cut my hair
Because you preferred it short
Now you're gone
And I'm sitting here
Wishing it was long again.
May 2013 · 467
I Remember Exactly
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
I remember exactly
How your face felt beneath my palm;
Cool, and smooth.

I remember exactly
The texture of your hair;
bristly, and tangled.

I remember exactly
The feel of your  hands in mine;
Rough and worn, a gentle touch.

I remember exactly
How your lips moved as you kissed me;
Soft, but always too eager.

I remember exactly
When thinking of you;
Still so fresh against my skin-
And In my head-
And it hurts-

Because I know one day
You will fade.
And I...
Won't remember exactly.
May 2013 · 427
Looking into Mirrors
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
A series of events
Once broke me

Deep inside. 

And I began to look into mirrors

Because I saw myself whole

Because I wanted answers

As if I could look into my own eyes

And see my soul.

My heart.

My mind.

But mirrors are cold.

And see only the surface.



And then again after him, 

I looked into mirrors. 

I wanted to know 

What was so wrong with me 

(Besides the obvious)

That he could lose interest 

So very quickly.

I suppose I thought 

If I looked hard enough

I’d find the answers 

And then at least I’d know 

And I could move on.

But mirrors are cold

And see only the surface.



And now there is you. 

And once again

I find myself looking into mirrors.

And I try to see what you do

Somewhere in the mess
That I always see.

I try to find what it is
That makes someone
As perfect as you

Want to be close
To a mess like me.

And I can’t.

Because mirrors are cold

And only see the surface.
May 2013 · 450
To The Perfect Reader
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
If I could write my way to your side, I would.
I would pen my lips in soft whispers across your skin.
My fingertips would persuade you with every unspoken sentence.
The stammering of my heart on your mind-
Imprinting each and every black and white intention in your thoughts forever.
Each syllable of my trembling voice whispering in your ear, pleading with you.
I would caress you with my words.
They would flow like water;
swiftly, easily, further and further into unknown.
Faster and faster into this vast ocean;
Page after page of sweet nothing's...
I've captured your soul.
I own your mind.
Now watch me.
Watch as I tease at the plot.
Context clue, after clue:
Never enough to guess at the weight of the climactic end.
I will leave you in constant debate.
A metal war within yourself.
Do you skip ahead to satisfy your impatience?
Or savor every detail until the heart throbbing conclusion?
Can you wait for it?
Can you handle it?
As the earth falls away beneath us,
Can you hold on to me, my love?
Don't let go.
Not yet, my dear.
Clutch the covers and tug the spine,
Let the final words wash over us fully,
Together, finally.
Satisfied, relieved... Perfect.
Such a sweet ending.
Now collapse in bed with me, and recall our story.
Touch the paper gently,
And reflect on everything I've shared with you.
Sleep, and dream of me.
Wake and think of me.
And when you find you miss me,
Read this again
                and again
                          and again.
May 2013 · 335
Too Quiet
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
I never thought I'd miss
The things that made me stir.
The only noise now,
Is the distant electronic whir.
It whispers quietly;
Noticeably;
Somewhere from behind.
Just loud enough to drown
Your echoes from my mind.
May 2013 · 420
Your Happiness
PenNameBree-Z May 2013
That's all I want you know.
I wish I could always be the reason
That heart-stopping smile appears on your face;
Like sunlight breaking through the clouds.
I know that I can't always be...
And that's okay.
As long as you're happy.
And-
As long as you promise
To occasionally send a smile my way.
To warm my heart.
And brighten up my day.

— The End —